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“HE. IS. MARRIED. STILL. AND IT’S NOT TO YOU.” VALENTINE’S If you haven’t, let’s just put it this way: a coyote and a badger join forces, disappear into a tunnel, and when they come out of the other side they are followed by seven skunks, a gerbil the size of a sedan, and a hyena with a saddle strapped to its back. And I I WISH YOU COULD HAVE HELD ON FOR ANOTHER DAY, PART ONE OF I Wish You Could Have Held on for Another Day, Part One of Two. Heather B. Armstrong. | 01 . 13 . 2020. On January 10, 2018 I walked back into a concert venue from the lobby where I was waiting for a ride. The concert was not over, but my friend wanted to leave. I walked back in because I needed to give him something, I just didn’tknow what.
ANNA BETH CHAO
I took this portrait of Anna Beth while she was conducting Design Camp in my living room, a space that has a total of zero lamps and according to her that breaks a cardinal rule of interior design. I will fix that after I repair a few other things in my life right now. “Acquire lamps” is now behind “remain sane” on my list ofthings to do.
DOOCE® | PENISARY CONTACT WITH THE VOLVO Penisary Contact With the Volvo. By Heather B. Armstrong November 4, 2002. Today’s post has nothing to do with that title, it’s just I can’t get that phrase out of my head. Sometimes it’s the word “avuncular” or “gesticulatory” or “bukkake Asian facial.”. Last week I couldn’t stop singing The Osmond’s “Pine Cones And A STORY ABOUT MY ASS A Story About My Ass. I am the youngest of three children and the only one my mother breastfed. I was born at a time when it was vogue for women to formula feed their children, but by the time I came along my mother wanted to experience breastfeeding, and did she! 22 months of nothing but breastfeeding — no bottles, no solid food, no pacifier.MAROON3 | DOOCE®
fart stain on a freight train. Search for: MAROON3BR23 | DOOCE®
fart stain on a freight train. Search for: br2336WEEKS | DOOCE®
fart stain on a freight train. Search for: 36WEEKS DOOCE® | FART STAIN ON A FREIGHT TRAINBLOGBOOKSHOPABOUTPART-MENTALIZEBEYOND PAID LEAVE 1. Going forward, I am using footnotes as a way to bridle my perverted tendencies (let’s be honest, this is not possible). I don’t want anyone offended by four-letter words or ALL CAPS TANGENTIAL RANTING to leave if they are someone who needs to hear what I have to say. A WINGED VICTORY FOR THE SULLEN A Winged Victory for the Sullen. Heather B. Armstrong. | 02 . 20 . 2020. I have to remind everyone before I say anything about THIS THING THAT IS HAPPENING TO ME ALL CAPS that I left the LDS Church and all religion period because a linguistics professor at BYU made me deconstruct an essay about Ebonics. If you don’t know what that wordrefers
“HE. IS. MARRIED. STILL. AND IT’S NOT TO YOU.” VALENTINE’S If you haven’t, let’s just put it this way: a coyote and a badger join forces, disappear into a tunnel, and when they come out of the other side they are followed by seven skunks, a gerbil the size of a sedan, and a hyena with a saddle strapped to its back. And I I WISH YOU COULD HAVE HELD ON FOR ANOTHER DAY, PART ONE OF I Wish You Could Have Held on for Another Day, Part One of Two. Heather B. Armstrong. | 01 . 13 . 2020. On January 10, 2018 I walked back into a concert venue from the lobby where I was waiting for a ride. The concert was not over, but my friend wanted to leave. I walked back in because I needed to give him something, I just didn’tknow what.
ANNA BETH CHAO
I took this portrait of Anna Beth while she was conducting Design Camp in my living room, a space that has a total of zero lamps and according to her that breaks a cardinal rule of interior design. I will fix that after I repair a few other things in my life right now. “Acquire lamps” is now behind “remain sane” on my list ofthings to do.
DOOCE® | PENISARY CONTACT WITH THE VOLVO Penisary Contact With the Volvo. By Heather B. Armstrong November 4, 2002. Today’s post has nothing to do with that title, it’s just I can’t get that phrase out of my head. Sometimes it’s the word “avuncular” or “gesticulatory” or “bukkake Asian facial.”. Last week I couldn’t stop singing The Osmond’s “Pine Cones And A STORY ABOUT MY ASS A Story About My Ass. I am the youngest of three children and the only one my mother breastfed. I was born at a time when it was vogue for women to formula feed their children, but by the time I came along my mother wanted to experience breastfeeding, and did she! 22 months of nothing but breastfeeding — no bottles, no solid food, no pacifier.MAROON3 | DOOCE®
fart stain on a freight train. Search for: MAROON3BR23 | DOOCE®
fart stain on a freight train. Search for: br2336WEEKS | DOOCE®
fart stain on a freight train. Search for: 36WEEKS THE VALEDICTORIAN OF BEING DEAD BY HEATHER ARMSTRONG It is a must read for mental health professionals and those touched by depression—their own or that of a loved one.” –Barbara Arrowsmith-Young, internationally bestselling author of The Woman Who Changed Her Brain. “I read The Valedictorian of Being Dead cover to cover in four hours. I cried and cried; it was so beautiful and honestand
“THIS GOES BEYOND ME, BEYOND YOU” This is the first time in my life I have ever lost someone or something so dear and crucial to my heart. The grief has attempted to dismantle my life. People seemed to have missed that part. I’m not sure how they missed it. Except, I think they wanted to skip “AM I NOT A MAN AND A BROTHER?” The Warmth of Other Suns, Isabel Wilkerson Between the World and Me, Ta Nehisi-Coates The Half Has Never Been Told, Edward Baptist The Color of Law, Richard Rothstein Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria, Beverly Daniel Tatum March, John Lewis The New Jim Crow, Michelle Alexander Me and White Supremacy, Layla F. Saad How to be an Anti-Racist, Ibram X. Kendi I WISH YOU COULD HAVE HELD ON FOR ANOTHER DAY, PART ONE OF I Wish You Could Have Held on for Another Day, Part One of Two. Heather B. Armstrong. | 01 . 13 . 2020. On January 10, 2018 I walked back into a concert venue from the lobby where I was waiting for a ride. The concert was not over, but my friend wanted to leave. I walked back in because I needed to give him something, I just didn’tknow what.
“I GUARANTEE YOU, YOU WILL NEVER SEE NOTHING LIKE THIS Don’t you know baby I’m a leading man. I dig down deep when I say I love you. And I can hold my own with the best of them. I guarantee you, you will never see nothing like this again. First four lines of the song “California” by Mason Jennings. YouTube. Mason Jennings - DOOCE® | YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH IMAGERY OF THE WACKOS You can never have enough imagery of the wackos you live with. By Heather B. Armstrong April 25, 2017. I have to apologize for not remembering exactly when Jennifer Maher sent me this portrait of Coco along with one she painted of Marlo buried underneath a mountain of stuffed animals, only that it happened right as the Downward BrainSpiral of
NO SHEEP WILL EVER GO MISSING ON THIS STREET No sheep will ever go missing on this street. Heather B. Armstrong. | 08 . 03 . 2017. My neighbor adopted an Australian Shepherd puppy just a few days before I left for Paris despite the fact that she has frequently witnessed Coco’s attempts to take home the prize for America’s Next Top Asshole. His name is Bandit, and he may not turnout
DOOCE® | THE VIEW FROM INSIDE THE BUBBLE The view from inside the bubble. By Heather B. Armstrong August 15, 2017. Last week I had to drive to Leta’s middle school with physical proof that I had paid all her fees online so that I could pick up her class schedule. This kind of shit annoys me to no end about the idiotic and asinine red tape that goes on with education—there’s a DOOCE® | PENISARY CONTACT WITH THE VOLVO Penisary Contact With the Volvo. By Heather B. Armstrong November 4, 2002. Today’s post has nothing to do with that title, it’s just I can’t get that phrase out of my head. Sometimes it’s the word “avuncular” or “gesticulatory” or “bukkake Asian facial.”. Last week I couldn’t stop singing The Osmond’s “Pine Cones And A MOTHER’S DAY IDEA THAT RAMBLES INTO A PRETTY DANGEROUS That outfit is my outlook on life right now in a visual bucket. I’m putting together a Mother’s Day idea guide, and here in the rush to finish it I have been informed that one of the really important items I’d like to feature is about to sell out. It’s called the Melody Bracelet, and from now through the end of April, Stella & Dot will DOOCE® | FART STAIN ON A FREIGHT TRAINBLOGBOOKSHOPABOUTPART-MENTALIZEBEYOND PAID LEAVE 1. Going forward, I am using footnotes as a way to bridle my perverted tendencies (let’s be honest, this is not possible). I don’t want anyone offended by four-letter words or ALL CAPS TANGENTIAL RANTING to leave if they are someone who needs to hear what I have to say. A WINGED VICTORY FOR THE SULLEN A Winged Victory for the Sullen. Heather B. Armstrong. | 02 . 20 . 2020. I have to remind everyone before I say anything about THIS THING THAT IS HAPPENING TO ME ALL CAPS that I left the LDS Church and all religion period because a linguistics professor at BYU made me deconstruct an essay about Ebonics. If you don’t know what that wordrefers
“HE. IS. MARRIED. STILL. AND IT’S NOT TO YOU.” VALENTINE’S If you haven’t, let’s just put it this way: a coyote and a badger join forces, disappear into a tunnel, and when they come out of the other side they are followed by seven skunks, a gerbil the size of a sedan, and a hyena with a saddle strapped to its back. And IMARLO ARMSTRONG
FIRST AND FOREMOST HEAR YE, HEAR YE: I’m debuting my new book at the The King’s English Bookshop in Salt Lake City on April 27th and hosting a Q&A with the lead anesthesiologist of my treatment, Dr. Scott Tadler. Also! My mom will be there to dazzle you. I’ll ask her if she has any extra Skin So Soft she can bring. I WISH YOU COULD HAVE HELD ON FOR ANOTHER DAY, PART ONE OF I Wish You Could Have Held on for Another Day, Part One of Two. Heather B. Armstrong. | 01 . 13 . 2020. On January 10, 2018 I walked back into a concert venue from the lobby where I was waiting for a ride. The concert was not over, but my friend wanted to leave. I walked back in because I needed to give him something, I just didn’tknow what.
DOOCE® | PENISARY CONTACT WITH THE VOLVO Penisary Contact With the Volvo. By Heather B. Armstrong November 4, 2002. Today’s post has nothing to do with that title, it’s just I can’t get that phrase out of my head. Sometimes it’s the word “avuncular” or “gesticulatory” or “bukkake Asian facial.”. Last week I couldn’t stop singing The Osmond’s “Pine Cones And A STORY ABOUT MY ASS A Story About My Ass. I am the youngest of three children and the only one my mother breastfed. I was born at a time when it was vogue for women to formula feed their children, but by the time I came along my mother wanted to experience breastfeeding, and did she! 22 months of nothing but breastfeeding — no bottles, no solid food, no pacifier.BR23 | DOOCE®
fart stain on a freight train. Search for: br23MAROON3 | DOOCE®
fart stain on a freight train. Search for: MAROON336WEEKS | DOOCE®
fart stain on a freight train. Search for: 36WEEKS DOOCE® | FART STAIN ON A FREIGHT TRAINBLOGBOOKSHOPABOUTPART-MENTALIZEBEYOND PAID LEAVE 1. Going forward, I am using footnotes as a way to bridle my perverted tendencies (let’s be honest, this is not possible). I don’t want anyone offended by four-letter words or ALL CAPS TANGENTIAL RANTING to leave if they are someone who needs to hear what I have to say. A WINGED VICTORY FOR THE SULLEN A Winged Victory for the Sullen. Heather B. Armstrong. | 02 . 20 . 2020. I have to remind everyone before I say anything about THIS THING THAT IS HAPPENING TO ME ALL CAPS that I left the LDS Church and all religion period because a linguistics professor at BYU made me deconstruct an essay about Ebonics. If you don’t know what that wordrefers
“HE. IS. MARRIED. STILL. AND IT’S NOT TO YOU.” VALENTINE’S If you haven’t, let’s just put it this way: a coyote and a badger join forces, disappear into a tunnel, and when they come out of the other side they are followed by seven skunks, a gerbil the size of a sedan, and a hyena with a saddle strapped to its back. And IMARLO ARMSTRONG
FIRST AND FOREMOST HEAR YE, HEAR YE: I’m debuting my new book at the The King’s English Bookshop in Salt Lake City on April 27th and hosting a Q&A with the lead anesthesiologist of my treatment, Dr. Scott Tadler. Also! My mom will be there to dazzle you. I’ll ask her if she has any extra Skin So Soft she can bring. I WISH YOU COULD HAVE HELD ON FOR ANOTHER DAY, PART ONE OF I Wish You Could Have Held on for Another Day, Part One of Two. Heather B. Armstrong. | 01 . 13 . 2020. On January 10, 2018 I walked back into a concert venue from the lobby where I was waiting for a ride. The concert was not over, but my friend wanted to leave. I walked back in because I needed to give him something, I just didn’tknow what.
DOOCE® | PENISARY CONTACT WITH THE VOLVO Penisary Contact With the Volvo. By Heather B. Armstrong November 4, 2002. Today’s post has nothing to do with that title, it’s just I can’t get that phrase out of my head. Sometimes it’s the word “avuncular” or “gesticulatory” or “bukkake Asian facial.”. Last week I couldn’t stop singing The Osmond’s “Pine Cones And A STORY ABOUT MY ASS A Story About My Ass. I am the youngest of three children and the only one my mother breastfed. I was born at a time when it was vogue for women to formula feed their children, but by the time I came along my mother wanted to experience breastfeeding, and did she! 22 months of nothing but breastfeeding — no bottles, no solid food, no pacifier.BR23 | DOOCE®
fart stain on a freight train. Search for: br23MAROON3 | DOOCE®
fart stain on a freight train. Search for: MAROON336WEEKS | DOOCE®
fart stain on a freight train. Search for: 36WEEKS THE VALEDICTORIAN OF BEING DEAD BY HEATHER ARMSTRONG It is a must read for mental health professionals and those touched by depression—their own or that of a loved one.” –Barbara Arrowsmith-Young, internationally bestselling author of The Woman Who Changed Her Brain. “I read The Valedictorian of Being Dead cover to cover in four hours. I cried and cried; it was so beautiful and honestand
“THIS GOES BEYOND ME, BEYOND YOU” This is the first time in my life I have ever lost someone or something so dear and crucial to my heart. The grief has attempted to dismantle my life. People seemed to have missed that part. I’m not sure how they missed it. Except, I think they wanted to skip “AM I NOT A MAN AND A BROTHER?” The Warmth of Other Suns, Isabel Wilkerson Between the World and Me, Ta Nehisi-Coates The Half Has Never Been Told, Edward Baptist The Color of Law, Richard Rothstein Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria, Beverly Daniel Tatum March, John Lewis The New Jim Crow, Michelle Alexander Me and White Supremacy, Layla F. Saad How to be an Anti-Racist, Ibram X. Kendi I WISH YOU COULD HAVE HELD ON FOR ANOTHER DAY, PART ONE OF I Wish You Could Have Held on for Another Day, Part One of Two. Heather B. Armstrong. | 01 . 13 . 2020. On January 10, 2018 I walked back into a concert venue from the lobby where I was waiting for a ride. The concert was not over, but my friend wanted to leave. I walked back in because I needed to give him something, I just didn’tknow what.
“I GUARANTEE YOU, YOU WILL NEVER SEE NOTHING LIKE THIS Don’t you know baby I’m a leading man. I dig down deep when I say I love you. And I can hold my own with the best of them. I guarantee you, you will never see nothing like this again. First four lines of the song “California” by Mason Jennings. YouTube. Mason Jennings - DOOCE® | YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH IMAGERY OF THE WACKOS You can never have enough imagery of the wackos you live with. By Heather B. Armstrong April 25, 2017. I have to apologize for not remembering exactly when Jennifer Maher sent me this portrait of Coco along with one she painted of Marlo buried underneath a mountain of stuffed animals, only that it happened right as the Downward BrainSpiral of
NO SHEEP WILL EVER GO MISSING ON THIS STREET No sheep will ever go missing on this street. Heather B. Armstrong. | 08 . 03 . 2017. My neighbor adopted an Australian Shepherd puppy just a few days before I left for Paris despite the fact that she has frequently witnessed Coco’s attempts to take home the prize for America’s Next Top Asshole. His name is Bandit, and he may not turnout
DOOCE® | THE VIEW FROM INSIDE THE BUBBLE The view from inside the bubble. By Heather B. Armstrong August 15, 2017. Last week I had to drive to Leta’s middle school with physical proof that I had paid all her fees online so that I could pick up her class schedule. This kind of shit annoys me to no end about the idiotic and asinine red tape that goes on with education—there’s a DOOCE® | PENISARY CONTACT WITH THE VOLVO Penisary Contact With the Volvo. By Heather B. Armstrong November 4, 2002. Today’s post has nothing to do with that title, it’s just I can’t get that phrase out of my head. Sometimes it’s the word “avuncular” or “gesticulatory” or “bukkake Asian facial.”. Last week I couldn’t stop singing The Osmond’s “Pine Cones And A MOTHER’S DAY IDEA THAT RAMBLES INTO A PRETTY DANGEROUS That outfit is my outlook on life right now in a visual bucket. I’m putting together a Mother’s Day idea guide, and here in the rush to finish it I have been informed that one of the really important items I’d like to feature is about to sell out. It’s called the Melody Bracelet, and from now through the end of April, Stella & Dot will DOOCE® | FART STAIN ON A FREIGHT TRAINBLOGBOOKSHOPABOUTRESENTING RESENTMENTPART-MENTALIZE 1. Going forward, I am using footnotes as a way to bridle my perverted tendencies (let’s be honest, this is not possible). I don’t want anyone offended by four-letter words or ALL CAPS TANGENTIAL RANTING to leave if they are someone who needs to hear what I have to say. THE VALEDICTORIAN OF BEING DEAD BY HEATHER ARMSTRONG It is a must read for mental health professionals and those touched by depression—their own or that of a loved one.” –Barbara Arrowsmith-Young, internationally bestselling author of The Woman Who Changed Her Brain. “I read The Valedictorian of Being Dead cover to cover in four hours. I cried and cried; it was so beautiful and honestand
A WINGED VICTORY FOR THE SULLEN A Winged Victory for the Sullen. Heather B. Armstrong. | 02 . 20 . 2020. I have to remind everyone before I say anything about THIS THING THAT IS HAPPENING TO ME ALL CAPS that I left the LDS Church and all religion period because a linguistics professor at BYU made me deconstruct an essay about Ebonics. If you don’t know what that wordrefers
“HE. IS. MARRIED. STILL. AND IT’S NOT TO YOU.” VALENTINE’S If you haven’t, let’s just put it this way: a coyote and a badger join forces, disappear into a tunnel, and when they come out of the other side they are followed by seven skunks, a gerbil the size of a sedan, and a hyena with a saddle strapped to its back. And I THE CUNNING, INSIDIOUS AND CONSTANTLY HUNGRY KIERKECOYOTE The cunning, insidious and constantly hungry Kierkecoyote. Heather B. Armstrong. | 05 . 05 . 2020. Beaver anal glands. That’s where this starts. You’re welcome. I have not figured out how to work and salvage what is left of my children — they were half-eaten by wolves, all related to the wolf who resides now in our home, we’llget to
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE HELD ON FOR ANOTHER DAY, PART ONE OFHEATHER ARMSTRONG FACEBOOKHEATHER ARMSTRONG BABYHEATHER ARMSTRONG WIHEATHERARMSTRONG BLOG
I Wish You Could Have Held on for Another Day, Part One of Two. Heather B. Armstrong. | 01 . 13 . 2020. On January 10, 2018 I walked back into a concert venue from the lobby where I was waiting for a ride. The concert was not over, but my friend wanted to leave. I walked back in because I needed to give him something, I just didn’tknow what.
ANNA BETH CHAO
I took this portrait of Anna Beth while she was conducting Design Camp in my living room, a space that has a total of zero lamps and according to her that breaks a cardinal rule of interior design. I will fix that after I repair a few other things in my life right now. “Acquire lamps” is now behind “remain sane” on my list ofthings to do.
A STORY ABOUT MY ASS A Story About My Ass. I am the youngest of three children and the only one my mother breastfed. I was born at a time when it was vogue for women to formula feed their children, but by the time I came along my mother wanted to experience breastfeeding, and did she! 22 months of nothing but breastfeeding — no bottles, no solid food, no pacifier. NO SHEEP WILL EVER GO MISSING ON THIS STREET No sheep will ever go missing on this street. Heather B. Armstrong. | 08 . 03 . 2017. My neighbor adopted an Australian Shepherd puppy just a few days before I left for Paris despite the fact that she has frequently witnessed Coco’s attempts to take home the prize for America’s Next Top Asshole. His name is Bandit, and he may not turnout
DOOCE® | PENISARY CONTACT WITH THE VOLVO Penisary Contact With the Volvo. By Heather B. Armstrong November 4, 2002. Today’s post has nothing to do with that title, it’s just I can’t get that phrase out of my head. Sometimes it’s the word “avuncular” or “gesticulatory” or “bukkake Asian facial.”. Last week I couldn’t stop singing The Osmond’s “Pine Cones And DOOCE® | FART STAIN ON A FREIGHT TRAINBLOGBOOKSHOPABOUTRESENTING RESENTMENTPART-MENTALIZE 1. Going forward, I am using footnotes as a way to bridle my perverted tendencies (let’s be honest, this is not possible). I don’t want anyone offended by four-letter words or ALL CAPS TANGENTIAL RANTING to leave if they are someone who needs to hear what I have to say. A WINGED VICTORY FOR THE SULLEN A Winged Victory for the Sullen. Heather B. Armstrong. | 02 . 20 . 2020. I have to remind everyone before I say anything about THIS THING THAT IS HAPPENING TO ME ALL CAPS that I left the LDS Church and all religion period because a linguistics professor at BYU made me deconstruct an essay about Ebonics. If you don’t know what that wordrefers
A STORY ABOUT MY ASS A Story About My Ass. I am the youngest of three children and the only one my mother breastfed. I was born at a time when it was vogue for women to formula feed their children, but by the time I came along my mother wanted to experience breastfeeding, and did she! 22 months of nothing but breastfeeding — no bottles, no solid food, no pacifier. THE VALEDICTORIAN OF BEING DEAD BY HEATHER ARMSTRONG It is a must read for mental health professionals and those touched by depression—their own or that of a loved one.” –Barbara Arrowsmith-Young, internationally bestselling author of The Woman Who Changed Her Brain. “I read The Valedictorian of Being Dead cover to cover in four hours. I cried and cried; it was so beautiful and honestand
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE HELD ON FOR ANOTHER DAY, PART ONE OFHEATHER ARMSTRONG FACEBOOKHEATHER ARMSTRONG BABYHEATHER ARMSTRONG WIHEATHERARMSTRONG BLOG
I Wish You Could Have Held on for Another Day, Part One of Two. Heather B. Armstrong. | 01 . 13 . 2020. On January 10, 2018 I walked back into a concert venue from the lobby where I was waiting for a ride. The concert was not over, but my friend wanted to leave. I walked back in because I needed to give him something, I just didn’tknow what.
DOOCE® | PENISARY CONTACT WITH THE VOLVO Penisary Contact With the Volvo. By Heather B. Armstrong November 4, 2002. Today’s post has nothing to do with that title, it’s just I can’t get that phrase out of my head. Sometimes it’s the word “avuncular” or “gesticulatory” or “bukkake Asian facial.”. Last week I couldn’t stop singing The Osmond’s “Pine Cones And “HE. IS. MARRIED. STILL. AND IT’S NOT TO YOU.” VALENTINE’S If you haven’t, let’s just put it this way: a coyote and a badger join forces, disappear into a tunnel, and when they come out of the other side they are followed by seven skunks, a gerbil the size of a sedan, and a hyena with a saddle strapped to its back. And IANNA BETH CHAO
I took this portrait of Anna Beth while she was conducting Design Camp in my living room, a space that has a total of zero lamps and according to her that breaks a cardinal rule of interior design. I will fix that after I repair a few other things in my life right now. “Acquire lamps” is now behind “remain sane” on my list ofthings to do.
THE CUNNING, INSIDIOUS AND CONSTANTLY HUNGRY KIERKECOYOTE The cunning, insidious and constantly hungry Kierkecoyote. Heather B. Armstrong. | 05 . 05 . 2020. Beaver anal glands. That’s where this starts. You’re welcome. I have not figured out how to work and salvage what is left of my children — they were half-eaten by wolves, all related to the wolf who resides now in our home, we’llget to
NO SHEEP WILL EVER GO MISSING ON THIS STREET No sheep will ever go missing on this street. Heather B. Armstrong. | 08 . 03 . 2017. My neighbor adopted an Australian Shepherd puppy just a few days before I left for Paris despite the fact that she has frequently witnessed Coco’s attempts to take home the prize for America’s Next Top Asshole. His name is Bandit, and he may not turnout
THE VALEDICTORIAN OF BEING DEAD BY HEATHER ARMSTRONG It is a must read for mental health professionals and those touched by depression—their own or that of a loved one.” –Barbara Arrowsmith-Young, internationally bestselling author of The Woman Who Changed Her Brain. “I read The Valedictorian of Being Dead cover to cover in four hours. I cried and cried; it was so beautiful and honestand
MY COVID-19 EXPERIENCE (WITH VIDEO) My COVID-19 Experience (with video) Heather B. Armstrong. | 03 . 19 . 2020. The first thing I’m going to say is that what I am going to describe to you today has nothing to do with any of the news I talked about or teased yesterday while talking to those of you who joined me for Quarantine Book Club (I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED, Y’ALL).DAILY PHOTO
His name is Bandit, and he may not turn out as disturbed as Coco seeing that he’s being properly socialized with kids and loud noises and, you know, Coco. She has more than once said, “You come near my frisbee again and I will shove you into a milk carton and bury you down by the lake.”. And then added under her breath, “ And no one DOOCE® | MRS TURNS 4 MRS Turns 4. By Ryan Kummer March 11, 2020. Our first episode landed on St. Patrick’s day 2016 and, four years later, we’re still kicking. Admittedly, we’ve been kicking a lot less lately, but we’re back to explain why, talk about Heather’s weight (have you noticed?), provide an update compared to where we were four years ago,and
NO SHEEP WILL EVER GO MISSING ON THIS STREET No sheep will ever go missing on this street. Heather B. Armstrong. | 08 . 03 . 2017. My neighbor adopted an Australian Shepherd puppy just a few days before I left for Paris despite the fact that she has frequently witnessed Coco’s attempts to take home the prize for America’s Next Top Asshole. His name is Bandit, and he may not turnout
MASTHEADS | DOOCE®
fart stain on a freight train. Search for: Mastheads LOOKING UPWARD AND AHEAD Looking upward and ahead. Heather B. Armstrong. | 04 . 23 . 2015. Yesterday morning I pulled a bag out of the refrigerator containing mounds of chopped kale and spinach and began adding it on top of other ingredients in my blender. Marlo scrunched up her nose and with a mouth full of cereal yelled from across the kitchen, “Ugh. DOOCE FOURTEEN HUNDRED AND NINETY POINT TWO dooce Fourteen Hundred and Ninety Point Two. By Heather B. Armstrong April 6, 2017. Don’t be alarmed. Actually, scratch that. Be very alarmed. You see, I did something the right way for the first time in my life and I guess that means I’m now an adult. Or, I’m the adult I always wanted to be when I was that insufferable 17-yr-old MormonMAROON3 | DOOCE®
fart stain on a freight train. Search for: MAROON3 HURRICANE HARVEY RELIEF WITH A BONUS PHOTO OF MY FATHER Hurricane Harvey relief with a bonus photo of my father. School and piano lessons and third grade vocabulary tests are in full swing over here, and when you couple all that with several personal, gut-wrenching circumstances that I won’t go into on this website blog thing you get that awful woman on the Internet playing a massivegame of catch up.
DOOCE® | FART STAIN ON A FREIGHT TRAINBLOGBOOKSHOPABOUTRESENTING RESENTMENTPART-MENTALIZE 1. Going forward, I am using footnotes as a way to bridle my perverted tendencies (let’s be honest, this is not possible). I don’t want anyone offended by four-letter words or ALL CAPS TANGENTIAL RANTING to leave if they are someone who needs to hear what I have to say. THE VALEDICTORIAN OF BEING DEAD BY HEATHER ARMSTRONG It is a must read for mental health professionals and those touched by depression—their own or that of a loved one.” –Barbara Arrowsmith-Young, internationally bestselling author of The Woman Who Changed Her Brain. “I read The Valedictorian of Being Dead cover to cover in four hours. I cried and cried; it was so beautiful and honestand
A WINGED VICTORY FOR THE SULLEN A Winged Victory for the Sullen. Heather B. Armstrong. | 02 . 20 . 2020. I have to remind everyone before I say anything about THIS THING THAT IS HAPPENING TO ME ALL CAPS that I left the LDS Church and all religion period because a linguistics professor at BYU made me deconstruct an essay about Ebonics. If you don’t know what that wordrefers
“HE. IS. MARRIED. STILL. AND IT’S NOT TO YOU.” VALENTINE’S If you haven’t, let’s just put it this way: a coyote and a badger join forces, disappear into a tunnel, and when they come out of the other side they are followed by seven skunks, a gerbil the size of a sedan, and a hyena with a saddle strapped to its back. And I THE CUNNING, INSIDIOUS AND CONSTANTLY HUNGRY KIERKECOYOTE The cunning, insidious and constantly hungry Kierkecoyote. Heather B. Armstrong. | 05 . 05 . 2020. Beaver anal glands. That’s where this starts. You’re welcome. I have not figured out how to work and salvage what is left of my children — they were half-eaten by wolves, all related to the wolf who resides now in our home, we’llget to
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE HELD ON FOR ANOTHER DAY, PART ONE OFHEATHER ARMSTRONG FACEBOOKHEATHER ARMSTRONG BABYHEATHER ARMSTRONG WIHEATHERARMSTRONG BLOG
I Wish You Could Have Held on for Another Day, Part One of Two. Heather B. Armstrong. | 01 . 13 . 2020. On January 10, 2018 I walked back into a concert venue from the lobby where I was waiting for a ride. The concert was not over, but my friend wanted to leave. I walked back in because I needed to give him something, I just didn’tknow what.
ANNA BETH CHAO
I took this portrait of Anna Beth while she was conducting Design Camp in my living room, a space that has a total of zero lamps and according to her that breaks a cardinal rule of interior design. I will fix that after I repair a few other things in my life right now. “Acquire lamps” is now behind “remain sane” on my list ofthings to do.
A STORY ABOUT MY ASS A Story About My Ass. I am the youngest of three children and the only one my mother breastfed. I was born at a time when it was vogue for women to formula feed their children, but by the time I came along my mother wanted to experience breastfeeding, and did she! 22 months of nothing but breastfeeding — no bottles, no solid food, no pacifier. NO SHEEP WILL EVER GO MISSING ON THIS STREET No sheep will ever go missing on this street. Heather B. Armstrong. | 08 . 03 . 2017. My neighbor adopted an Australian Shepherd puppy just a few days before I left for Paris despite the fact that she has frequently witnessed Coco’s attempts to take home the prize for America’s Next Top Asshole. His name is Bandit, and he may not turnout
DOOCE® | PENISARY CONTACT WITH THE VOLVO Penisary Contact With the Volvo. By Heather B. Armstrong November 4, 2002. Today’s post has nothing to do with that title, it’s just I can’t get that phrase out of my head. Sometimes it’s the word “avuncular” or “gesticulatory” or “bukkake Asian facial.”. Last week I couldn’t stop singing The Osmond’s “Pine Cones And DOOCE® | FART STAIN ON A FREIGHT TRAINBLOGBOOKSHOPABOUTRESENTING RESENTMENTPART-MENTALIZE 1. Going forward, I am using footnotes as a way to bridle my perverted tendencies (let’s be honest, this is not possible). I don’t want anyone offended by four-letter words or ALL CAPS TANGENTIAL RANTING to leave if they are someone who needs to hear what I have to say. THE VALEDICTORIAN OF BEING DEAD BY HEATHER ARMSTRONG It is a must read for mental health professionals and those touched by depression—their own or that of a loved one.” –Barbara Arrowsmith-Young, internationally bestselling author of The Woman Who Changed Her Brain. “I read The Valedictorian of Being Dead cover to cover in four hours. I cried and cried; it was so beautiful and honestand
A WINGED VICTORY FOR THE SULLEN A Winged Victory for the Sullen. Heather B. Armstrong. | 02 . 20 . 2020. I have to remind everyone before I say anything about THIS THING THAT IS HAPPENING TO ME ALL CAPS that I left the LDS Church and all religion period because a linguistics professor at BYU made me deconstruct an essay about Ebonics. If you don’t know what that wordrefers
“HE. IS. MARRIED. STILL. AND IT’S NOT TO YOU.” VALENTINE’S If you haven’t, let’s just put it this way: a coyote and a badger join forces, disappear into a tunnel, and when they come out of the other side they are followed by seven skunks, a gerbil the size of a sedan, and a hyena with a saddle strapped to its back. And I THE CUNNING, INSIDIOUS AND CONSTANTLY HUNGRY KIERKECOYOTE The cunning, insidious and constantly hungry Kierkecoyote. Heather B. Armstrong. | 05 . 05 . 2020. Beaver anal glands. That’s where this starts. You’re welcome. I have not figured out how to work and salvage what is left of my children — they were half-eaten by wolves, all related to the wolf who resides now in our home, we’llget to
I WISH YOU COULD HAVE HELD ON FOR ANOTHER DAY, PART ONE OFHEATHER ARMSTRONG FACEBOOKHEATHER ARMSTRONG BABYHEATHER ARMSTRONG WIHEATHERARMSTRONG BLOG
I Wish You Could Have Held on for Another Day, Part One of Two. Heather B. Armstrong. | 01 . 13 . 2020. On January 10, 2018 I walked back into a concert venue from the lobby where I was waiting for a ride. The concert was not over, but my friend wanted to leave. I walked back in because I needed to give him something, I just didn’tknow what.
ANNA BETH CHAO
I took this portrait of Anna Beth while she was conducting Design Camp in my living room, a space that has a total of zero lamps and according to her that breaks a cardinal rule of interior design. I will fix that after I repair a few other things in my life right now. “Acquire lamps” is now behind “remain sane” on my list ofthings to do.
A STORY ABOUT MY ASS A Story About My Ass. I am the youngest of three children and the only one my mother breastfed. I was born at a time when it was vogue for women to formula feed their children, but by the time I came along my mother wanted to experience breastfeeding, and did she! 22 months of nothing but breastfeeding — no bottles, no solid food, no pacifier. NO SHEEP WILL EVER GO MISSING ON THIS STREET No sheep will ever go missing on this street. Heather B. Armstrong. | 08 . 03 . 2017. My neighbor adopted an Australian Shepherd puppy just a few days before I left for Paris despite the fact that she has frequently witnessed Coco’s attempts to take home the prize for America’s Next Top Asshole. His name is Bandit, and he may not turnout
DOOCE® | PENISARY CONTACT WITH THE VOLVO Penisary Contact With the Volvo. By Heather B. Armstrong November 4, 2002. Today’s post has nothing to do with that title, it’s just I can’t get that phrase out of my head. Sometimes it’s the word “avuncular” or “gesticulatory” or “bukkake Asian facial.”. Last week I couldn’t stop singing The Osmond’s “Pine Cones And THE VALEDICTORIAN OF BEING DEAD BY HEATHER ARMSTRONG It is a must read for mental health professionals and those touched by depression—their own or that of a loved one.” –Barbara Arrowsmith-Young, internationally bestselling author of The Woman Who Changed Her Brain. “I read The Valedictorian of Being Dead cover to cover in four hours. I cried and cried; it was so beautiful and honestand
MY COVID-19 EXPERIENCE (WITH VIDEO) My COVID-19 Experience (with video) Heather B. Armstrong. | 03 . 19 . 2020. The first thing I’m going to say is that what I am going to describe to you today has nothing to do with any of the news I talked about or teased yesterday while talking to those of you who joined me for Quarantine Book Club (I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED, Y’ALL).DAILY PHOTO
His name is Bandit, and he may not turn out as disturbed as Coco seeing that he’s being properly socialized with kids and loud noises and, you know, Coco. She has more than once said, “You come near my frisbee again and I will shove you into a milk carton and bury you down by the lake.”. And then added under her breath, “ And no one DOOCE® | MRS TURNS 4 MRS Turns 4. By Ryan Kummer March 11, 2020. Our first episode landed on St. Patrick’s day 2016 and, four years later, we’re still kicking. Admittedly, we’ve been kicking a lot less lately, but we’re back to explain why, talk about Heather’s weight (have you noticed?), provide an update compared to where we were four years ago,and
NO SHEEP WILL EVER GO MISSING ON THIS STREET No sheep will ever go missing on this street. Heather B. Armstrong. | 08 . 03 . 2017. My neighbor adopted an Australian Shepherd puppy just a few days before I left for Paris despite the fact that she has frequently witnessed Coco’s attempts to take home the prize for America’s Next Top Asshole. His name is Bandit, and he may not turnout
MASTHEADS | DOOCE®
fart stain on a freight train. Search for: Mastheads LOOKING UPWARD AND AHEAD Looking upward and ahead. Heather B. Armstrong. | 04 . 23 . 2015. Yesterday morning I pulled a bag out of the refrigerator containing mounds of chopped kale and spinach and began adding it on top of other ingredients in my blender. Marlo scrunched up her nose and with a mouth full of cereal yelled from across the kitchen, “Ugh. DOOCE FOURTEEN HUNDRED AND NINETY POINT TWO dooce Fourteen Hundred and Ninety Point Two. By Heather B. Armstrong April 6, 2017. Don’t be alarmed. Actually, scratch that. Be very alarmed. You see, I did something the right way for the first time in my life and I guess that means I’m now an adult. Or, I’m the adult I always wanted to be when I was that insufferable 17-yr-old MormonMAROON3 | DOOCE®
fart stain on a freight train. Search for: MAROON3 HURRICANE HARVEY RELIEF WITH A BONUS PHOTO OF MY FATHER Hurricane Harvey relief with a bonus photo of my father. School and piano lessons and third grade vocabulary tests are in full swing over here, and when you couple all that with several personal, gut-wrenching circumstances that I won’t go into on this website blog thing you get that awful woman on the Internet playing a massivegame of catch up.
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FAMILY PORTRAITS 2019 A couple of weekends ago we all got dressed up, relatively speaking, to have Cat Palmer take our family portraits. First, I say “relatively” speaking because Marlo refuses to wear dresses anymore unless it’s for a sacred occasion. Like Halloween: View this post on Instagram… by Heather B. Armstrong November 4, 2019 FOR THE SAKE OF HER HEALTH AND MINE While LightStream has compensated me for this post, it reflects my personal thoughts and opinions. …… The cohost of my podcast and I just finished recording an episode, and the only mention I made about my ongoing mysterious illnesses was at the end when I… by Heather B. Armstrong October 24, 2019 “FEELING SEEN”, WITH THANKS TO LINDA FOR SEEING ME I am sitting down to write this as fast as I can given that I need to go pick up Marlo in 20 minutes, and having not written anything longer than a couple of paragraphs here and there in the last few weeks mightbe…
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Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong. When I first wrote a bio for this site I called myself a SAHM—a Stay At Home Mom, or, Shit Ass Ho Motherfucker. More than a decade later I am now what’s referred to as a FTSWM—a Full-Time Single Working Mom, or, Fuck That Shit Where’s Marijuana. This used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride. dooce is back. And she’s talking about herself in the third person, so you know you better have a barf bag at the ready. // JOIN THE MAILING LIST* Email*
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