THE BEAVERTONABOUT THE SHOWNATIONALWORLDSPORTSBUSINESSCULTURE Millennial woman horrified to learn she just wakes up early now. Dartmouth, NS – A millennial woman has been horrified to discover that she just wakes up early now, all on her own. Brittany Austin, 31, made the frightening discovery last weekend, when she atte. Culture. DOUG FORD TO RE-OPEN ALL OF ONTARIO AS LONG AS EVERYONE QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has relented to public pressure and permitted the re-opening of most major municipal centres so long as the population commits to a pinky-swear en masse to abstain from spreading COVID-19. “I know there is a lot of pressure against re-opening parts of the Province from scientists, the medical establishment, politicians, educators, residents, and LEAFS FORFEIT GAME 7 TO SAVE EVERYONE THE TROUBLE TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs have announced they will not play Game 7 against the Montreal Canadiens to save everyone the trouble. “I think we all know how this will end,” said Leafs Coach Sheldon Keefe at a press conference. “We owe it to our fans not to torture them with the false hopes that we’ll win tonight. HIP GEN X-ER BRAGS ABOUT HIS RARE DISCONTINUED VACCINE Hamilton, ON - Following the announcement that Ontario will no longer be giving out first doses of the AstraZeneca vaccine, local 46 year old machinist Dwayne McEwen could be seen leaning up against the side of his 1988 Pontiac Fiero GT telling passers by that he actually already had the vaccine that no new Ontarians are able to get. MANITOBA MOVES SCHOOLS TO NORTH DAKOTA WINNIPEG – Manitoba Premier Brian Pallister announced all of Manitoba’s schools will be relocated to North Dakota for the remainder of the school year until the province’s pandemic subsides.. Pallister says that passing the responsibility of education to another jurisdiction is the best way to fight the spread of

COVID-19.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WE SAT DOWN WITH DON CHERRY AND In November 2019, beloved hockey commentator Don Cherry was fired from Hockey Night In Canada, after he made comments claiming immigrants were disrespecting fallen Canadian veterans by not purchasing a poppy for Remembrance Day. Nine months after that landmark decision, we caught up with Don and holy shit folks why did we ever think this was

a good idea.

NASA WARNS ALIEN LIFE MAY NOT BE FUCKABLE NASA later clarified that this announcement is the first step to preparing humanity for intergalactic relations: “There’s a pervasive idea that our repulsive meat-based species, full of blood pus and other fluids, can somehow put on a star fleet uniform and charm one that has gotten its shit together and explored the stars DRUG DEALER SHOCKINGLY BAD AT GETTING PEOPLE DRUGS TORONTO – With Ontario in the midst of a third wave of the COVID Pandemic, Ontario Premier and former hash dealer Doug Ford has proven to be absolutely terrible at getting residents the pharmaceutical drugs known as vaccines that they desperately need. “Electing a guy whose only work experience was ‘drug dealing’, ‘running the family business into ground’ and ‘doing a weight loss DOUG FORD KNOCKS ON CELLAR DOOR TO SEE IF IT'S OKAY TO KENORA, ON – Rapping on a rickety plywood door from his subterranean hiding, Ontario Premier Doug Ford sheepishly asked his Conservative Party handlers if it was okay to come out now that the federal election was over.. Ford has called the 8’ by 16’ storm shelter home for the past two months after he was locked inside by fellow Conservatives believing he was playing a hide-and-seek game MCDONALD’S UNVEILS ALL-DAY BREAKFAST IN CANADA TO STRESS TORONTO – McDonald’s Canada announced today that it will begin serving all-day breakfast in order to stress-test the country’s socialized healthcare system. The menu will feature a selection of McDonald’s signature breakfast items, including the McMuffin sandwiches, hash browns, hotcakes, and sausages, the health effects of which had previously been managed and minimized THE BEAVERTONABOUT THE SHOWNATIONALWORLDSPORTSBUSINESSCULTURE Millennial woman horrified to learn she just wakes up early now. Dartmouth, NS – A millennial woman has been horrified to discover that she just wakes up early now, all on her own. Brittany Austin, 31, made the frightening discovery last weekend, when she atte. Culture. DOUG FORD TO RE-OPEN ALL OF ONTARIO AS LONG AS EVERYONE QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has relented to public pressure and permitted the re-opening of most major municipal centres so long as the population commits to a pinky-swear en masse to abstain from spreading COVID-19. “I know there is a lot of pressure against re-opening parts of the Province from scientists, the medical establishment, politicians, educators, residents, and LEAFS FORFEIT GAME 7 TO SAVE EVERYONE THE TROUBLE TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs have announced they will not play Game 7 against the Montreal Canadiens to save everyone the trouble. “I think we all know how this will end,” said Leafs Coach Sheldon Keefe at a press conference. “We owe it to our fans not to torture them with the false hopes that we’ll win tonight. HIP GEN X-ER BRAGS ABOUT HIS RARE DISCONTINUED VACCINE Hamilton, ON - Following the announcement that Ontario will no longer be giving out first doses of the AstraZeneca vaccine, local 46 year old machinist Dwayne McEwen could be seen leaning up against the side of his 1988 Pontiac Fiero GT telling passers by that he actually already had the vaccine that no new Ontarians are able to get. MANITOBA MOVES SCHOOLS TO NORTH DAKOTA WINNIPEG – Manitoba Premier Brian Pallister announced all of Manitoba’s schools will be relocated to North Dakota for the remainder of the school year until the province’s pandemic subsides.. Pallister says that passing the responsibility of education to another jurisdiction is the best way to fight the spread of

COVID-19.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WE SAT DOWN WITH DON CHERRY AND In November 2019, beloved hockey commentator Don Cherry was fired from Hockey Night In Canada, after he made comments claiming immigrants were disrespecting fallen Canadian veterans by not purchasing a poppy for Remembrance Day. Nine months after that landmark decision, we caught up with Don and holy shit folks why did we ever think this was

a good idea.

NASA WARNS ALIEN LIFE MAY NOT BE FUCKABLE NASA later clarified that this announcement is the first step to preparing humanity for intergalactic relations: “There’s a pervasive idea that our repulsive meat-based species, full of blood pus and other fluids, can somehow put on a star fleet uniform and charm one that has gotten its shit together and explored the stars DRUG DEALER SHOCKINGLY BAD AT GETTING PEOPLE DRUGS TORONTO – With Ontario in the midst of a third wave of the COVID Pandemic, Ontario Premier and former hash dealer Doug Ford has proven to be absolutely terrible at getting residents the pharmaceutical drugs known as vaccines that they desperately need. “Electing a guy whose only work experience was ‘drug dealing’, ‘running the family business into ground’ and ‘doing a weight loss DOUG FORD KNOCKS ON CELLAR DOOR TO SEE IF IT'S OKAY TO KENORA, ON – Rapping on a rickety plywood door from his subterranean hiding, Ontario Premier Doug Ford sheepishly asked his Conservative Party handlers if it was okay to come out now that the federal election was over.. Ford has called the 8’ by 16’ storm shelter home for the past two months after he was locked inside by fellow Conservatives believing he was playing a hide-and-seek game MCDONALD’S UNVEILS ALL-DAY BREAKFAST IN CANADA TO STRESS TORONTO – McDonald’s Canada announced today that it will begin serving all-day breakfast in order to stress-test the country’s socialized healthcare system. The menu will feature a selection of McDonald’s signature breakfast items, including the McMuffin sandwiches, hash browns, hotcakes, and sausages, the health effects of which had previously been managed and minimized

OBITUARIES ARCHIVES

Quaker Oats announces that Cap’n Crunch has died as the result of auto-erotic asphyxiation. CHICAGO – Quaker Oats informed the public today that Cap’n Crunch, the cheerful cereal mascot who has been delighting children since 1963, is dead as a "THIS ISN'T CANADA" SAYS MAN WHO HAS SAID "THIS ISN'T 20 hours ago · LONDON, ON - After a horrific and premeditated hate-crime took the lives of 4 Muslim people this weekend, local man Dave Travers took to social media to re-assure people that this kind of thing doesn’t happen in Canada, just like he did all the other JASON KENNEY CONCERNED CANADIANS LEARNING THEIR HISTORY EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney has expressed concern that more and more Canadians are learning about what their country did including past crimes committed by historical figures.. The factual study of Canadian history which details events such as genocide and forced removals is becoming a real threat to statues, schools, and parks dedicated to the perpetrators, said CANADIANS SWEEP JUNOS CANADA – In a stunning show of national dominance, all the Junos awarded at the 50th annual Juno awards were awarded to Canadians. “I think this really shows how far Canadian music has come,” said Mark Cohon, the chairman of the Canadian Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences, which administers the Junos. BILL C-10 REQUIRES YOUTUBE TO RECOMMEND CANADIAN 1 day ago · OTTAWA – Bill C-10, which seeks to modernize Canadian content standards, will reportedly include provisions forcing YouTube’s algorithm to recommend Canadian conspiracy theorists and alt right racists when radicalizing viewers. “For too long Canada’s crackpots and extremists have been forced to compete with better-funded American lunatics,” explained Canadian Heritage

Minister Steven

NATIONAL POST SUGGESTS REPLACING ALL PARKS WITH GIANT TORONTO - After successfully mining hate clicks with editorials suggesting we privatize all parks and that ending our glorification of John A. Macdonald amounts to cancelling all history, the National Post is going a step further by suggesting we replace all our parks with "big ass" statues of our first Prime Minister. POPE: "CONFESSING AND ASKING FORGIVENESS AREN'T REALLY OUR 1 day ago · VATICAN CITY - As Canadians and Indigenous Peoples demand accountability and remorse from the Catholic Church for their role in the genocidal Residential Schools institutions that Canada operated for decades, Pope Francis released a statement announcing that this would not take place as making a humble plea for forgiveness isn't really what the Catholic Church does. OPINION: I STEAL MAIL FROM HOT SPOTS SO I SHOULD GET MY Vaccines are hard to come by in Ontario. However, some neighbourhoods have the privilege of getting vaccinations before others purely based on factors I refuse to take time to read about. Lucky for me, my area code is every area code in Toronto. POLICE ON HORSE READY TO STOP TRAIN ROBBERY “Besides, 5.5 mil is a drop in the bucket when you compare it to the over one billion dollar budget we get a year,” Sgt. Cassidy added. In an interview with Const. Lori Wayne, Cassidy’s sidekick, at the O.K Corral on Spadina, the training to become part of the mounted unit

is extensive.

HERO CAT BRAVELY SAVES OWNER FROM BEING IN BATHROOM ALONE 15 hours ago · WINNIPEG – Felines nationwide are praising humble hero cat Mr. Pringles after he bravely saved his owner, local university student Christine Pedany, from being in the bathroom alone for more than 30 seconds. “I first noticed she was in the bathroom alone after breakfast, and THE BEAVERTONABOUT THE SHOWNATIONALWORLDSPORTSBUSINESSCULTURE Millennial woman horrified to learn she just wakes up early now. Dartmouth, NS – A millennial woman has been horrified to discover that she just wakes up early now, all on her own. Brittany Austin, 31, made the frightening discovery last weekend, when she atte. Culture. LEAFS FORFEIT GAME 7 TO SAVE EVERYONE THE TROUBLE TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs have announced they will not play Game 7 against the Montreal Canadiens to save everyone the trouble. “I think we all know how this will end,” said Leafs Coach Sheldon Keefe at a press conference. “We owe it to our fans not to torture them with the false hopes that we’ll win tonight. MANITOBA MOVES SCHOOLS TO NORTH DAKOTA WINNIPEG – Manitoba Premier Brian Pallister announced all of Manitoba’s schools will be relocated to North Dakota for the remainder of the school year until the province’s pandemic subsides.. Pallister says that passing the responsibility of education to another jurisdiction is the best way to fight the spread of

COVID-19.

HIP GEN X-ER BRAGS ABOUT HIS RARE DISCONTINUED VACCINE Hamilton, ON - Following the announcement that Ontario will no longer be giving out first doses of the AstraZeneca vaccine, local 46 year old machinist Dwayne McEwen could be seen leaning up against the side of his 1988 Pontiac Fiero GT telling passers by that he actually already had the vaccine that no new Ontarians are able to get. WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WE SAT DOWN WITH DON CHERRY AND In November 2019, beloved hockey commentator Don Cherry was fired from Hockey Night In Canada, after he made comments claiming immigrants were disrespecting fallen Canadian veterans by not purchasing a poppy for Remembrance Day. Nine months after that landmark decision, we caught up with Don and holy shit folks why did we ever think this was

a good idea.

TRUMP PARDONS SERIAL KILLER SON OF SAM AFTER LEARNING WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump has issued a presidential pardon to the notorious serial killer Son of Sam after Trump discovered the murderer served for three years in the United States Army. “The New York City Police Department treated hero David Berkowitz VERY POORLY!!!,” tweeted Trump. BEARDED JUSTIN TRUDEAU REVEALED TO BE EVIL DOPPELGANGER OTTAWA — After a post-holiday Instagram post featuring a bearded Prime Minister Justin Trudeau caused a media stir, the subject of the photo was actually revealed to be Trudeau’s evil twin, Trustin Judeau. “Hahaha, you can tell from my sinister facial hair that of course it is I, Trustin Judeau, from the evil Mirror Universe,” cackled Judeau, referencing the classic 1967 episode of MCDONALD’S UNVEILS ALL-DAY BREAKFAST IN CANADA TO STRESS TORONTO – McDonald’s Canada announced today that it will begin serving all-day breakfast in order to stress-test the country’s socialized healthcare system. The menu will feature a selection of McDonald’s signature breakfast items, including the McMuffin sandwiches, hash browns, hotcakes, and sausages, the health effects of which had previously been managed and minimized DOUG FORD KNOCKS ON CELLAR DOOR TO SEE IF IT'S OKAY TO KENORA, ON – Rapping on a rickety plywood door from his subterranean hiding, Ontario Premier Doug Ford sheepishly asked his Conservative Party handlers if it was okay to come out now that the federal election was over.. Ford has called the 8’ by 16’ storm shelter home for the past two months after he was locked inside by fellow Conservatives believing he was playing a hide-and-seek game RACHEL NOTLEY CAUGHT IN YET ANOTHER SCANDAL Beleaguered Alberta premier Rachel Notley has been accused of even more misconduct. The Beaverton's Laura Cilevitz travelled to Calgary to speak with a number of outraged Albertans. THE BEAVERTONABOUT THE SHOWNATIONALWORLDSPORTSBUSINESSCULTURE Millennial woman horrified to learn she just wakes up early now. Dartmouth, NS – A millennial woman has been horrified to discover that she just wakes up early now, all on her own. Brittany Austin, 31, made the frightening discovery last weekend, when she atte. Culture. LEAFS FORFEIT GAME 7 TO SAVE EVERYONE THE TROUBLE TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs have announced they will not play Game 7 against the Montreal Canadiens to save everyone the trouble. “I think we all know how this will end,” said Leafs Coach Sheldon Keefe at a press conference. “We owe it to our fans not to torture them with the false hopes that we’ll win tonight. MANITOBA MOVES SCHOOLS TO NORTH DAKOTA WINNIPEG – Manitoba Premier Brian Pallister announced all of Manitoba’s schools will be relocated to North Dakota for the remainder of the school year until the province’s pandemic subsides.. Pallister says that passing the responsibility of education to another jurisdiction is the best way to fight the spread of

COVID-19.

HIP GEN X-ER BRAGS ABOUT HIS RARE DISCONTINUED VACCINE Hamilton, ON - Following the announcement that Ontario will no longer be giving out first doses of the AstraZeneca vaccine, local 46 year old machinist Dwayne McEwen could be seen leaning up against the side of his 1988 Pontiac Fiero GT telling passers by that he actually already had the vaccine that no new Ontarians are able to get. WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WE SAT DOWN WITH DON CHERRY AND In November 2019, beloved hockey commentator Don Cherry was fired from Hockey Night In Canada, after he made comments claiming immigrants were disrespecting fallen Canadian veterans by not purchasing a poppy for Remembrance Day. Nine months after that landmark decision, we caught up with Don and holy shit folks why did we ever think this was

a good idea.

TRUMP PARDONS SERIAL KILLER SON OF SAM AFTER LEARNING WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump has issued a presidential pardon to the notorious serial killer Son of Sam after Trump discovered the murderer served for three years in the United States Army. “The New York City Police Department treated hero David Berkowitz VERY POORLY!!!,” tweeted Trump. BEARDED JUSTIN TRUDEAU REVEALED TO BE EVIL DOPPELGANGER OTTAWA — After a post-holiday Instagram post featuring a bearded Prime Minister Justin Trudeau caused a media stir, the subject of the photo was actually revealed to be Trudeau’s evil twin, Trustin Judeau. “Hahaha, you can tell from my sinister facial hair that of course it is I, Trustin Judeau, from the evil Mirror Universe,” cackled Judeau, referencing the classic 1967 episode of MCDONALD’S UNVEILS ALL-DAY BREAKFAST IN CANADA TO STRESS TORONTO – McDonald’s Canada announced today that it will begin serving all-day breakfast in order to stress-test the country’s socialized healthcare system. The menu will feature a selection of McDonald’s signature breakfast items, including the McMuffin sandwiches, hash browns, hotcakes, and sausages, the health effects of which had previously been managed and minimized DOUG FORD KNOCKS ON CELLAR DOOR TO SEE IF IT'S OKAY TO KENORA, ON – Rapping on a rickety plywood door from his subterranean hiding, Ontario Premier Doug Ford sheepishly asked his Conservative Party handlers if it was okay to come out now that the federal election was over.. Ford has called the 8’ by 16’ storm shelter home for the past two months after he was locked inside by fellow Conservatives believing he was playing a hide-and-seek game RACHEL NOTLEY CAUGHT IN YET ANOTHER SCANDAL Beleaguered Alberta premier Rachel Notley has been accused of even more misconduct. The Beaverton's Laura Cilevitz travelled to Calgary to speak with a number of outraged Albertans. TOTALLY NORMAL DOCTOR RECOMMENDS GETTING VACCINATED IN ARM 15 hours ago · EDMONTON – Because the COVID vaccine generally causes soreness in the arm it’s injected into, Dr. Alex Hall has been advising Canadians to get it in their non-masturbation arm.“Many Canadians are still in lockdown and isolated from their loved ones,” Hall said in an informational video where they absolutely don’t look flushed or sweaty. HIP GEN X-ER BRAGS ABOUT HIS RARE DISCONTINUED VACCINE Hamilton, ON – Following the announcement that Ontario will no longer be giving out first doses of the AstraZeneca vaccine, local 46 year old machinist Dwayne McEwen could be seen leaning up against the side of his 1988 Pontiac Fiero GT telling passers by that he actually already had the vaccine that no new Ontarians are able to get. “It’s a rare first-pressing vintage viral vector RCMP ARREST THE LORAX LAKE COWICHAN, B.C. – The RCMP, out in force again today arresting protesters trying to protect old growth trees on Vancouver Island, have detained one of the world’s most recognizable environmentalists: a small mustachioed figure known only as “The Lorax.” “I am the Lorax, I speak for the-” the creature began to say before he was violently thrown to the ground by an RCMP officer MAN TOO EMBARRASSED TO FINALLY ASK WHAT COVID IS SASKATOON – 33-year-old Jackson Shepherd still doesn’t know what COVID is and is now way too embarrassed to ask about it. “When I got back from a camping trip last year everyone was talking about it, and I had no idea what the hell was going on,” Shepherd said. JASON KENNEY CONCERNED CANADIANS LEARNING THEIR HISTORY EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Jason Kenney has expressed concern that more and more Canadians are learning about what their country did including past crimes committed by historical figures.. The factual study of Canadian history which details events such as genocide and forced removals is becoming a real threat to statues, schools, and parks dedicated to the perpetrators, said HUNDREDS OF SUPERHEROES’ IDENTITIES REVEALED AS CDC GIVES ATLANTA, GA- With the CDC approving Americans to remove their masks many masked superheroes have complied, resulted in the accidental reveal of hundreds of superheroes’ secret identities.. Many masked heroes have reported struggling to hide their identities among the Covid restrictions. “I was chasing The Penguin and he ran into a shopping mall,” said Gotham caper, Batman. BILL C-10 REQUIRES YOUTUBE TO RECOMMEND CANADIAN 22 hours ago · OTTAWA – Bill C-10, which seeks to modernize Canadian content standards, will reportedly include provisions forcing YouTube’s algorithm to recommend Canadian conspiracy theorists and alt right racists when radicalizing viewers. “For too long Canada’s crackpots and extremists have been forced to compete with better-funded American lunatics,” explained Canadian Heritage

Minister

ONE-WAY MIRROR ERECTED AT SKY PALACE SO KENNEY, CABINET 1 day ago · The Beaverton - North America's Most Trusted Source. Most Popular. Leafs forfeit Game 7 to save everyone the trouble; Dominatrix offers her Subs new NATIONAL POST SUGGESTS REPLACING ALL PARKS WITH GIANT TORONTO - After successfully mining hate clicks with editorials suggesting we privatize all parks and that ending our glorification of John A. Macdonald amounts to cancelling all history, the National Post is going a step further by suggesting we replace all our parks with "big ass" statues of our first Prime Minister. POPE: "CONFESSING AND ASKING FORGIVENESS AREN'T REALLY OUR 21 hours ago · VATICAN CITY - As Canadians and Indigenous Peoples demand accountability and remorse from the Catholic Church for their role in the genocidal Residential Schools institutions that Canada operated for decades, Pope Francis released a statement announcing that this would not take place as making a humble plea for forgiveness isn't really what the Catholic Church does.

CMF

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NETFLIX’S “ARE YOU STILL WATCHING” ONLY SOCIAL CONTACT IN DAYS VIRUS ENTERS MAN WITHOUT CONSENT CELEBRITIES SELFLESSLY CONTRIBUTE TO PUBLIC MORALE BY RELEASING INSIPID VIDEO FOR EVERYONE TO MOCK MAN SPENDS ENTIRE MOVIE THINKING ABOUT HOW BADLY HE NEEDS TO PEE SOCIAL BUTTERFLIES SOOTHED BY NONSTOP ROBOCALL SCAMS LOCAL HAMSTER CELEBRATES EIGHT MONTHS IN SOCIAL ISOLATION CRUISE LINES NOW OFFER DELUXE CORONAVIRUS UPGRADE OVER BASIC NOROVIRUS

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YOU JUST LIT OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS BEFORE REALIZING YOU WERE IN THE ART GALLERY OF ONTARIO. CAN YOU SAVE THE PRICELESS PIECES OF ART? YOU MAGICALLY TURNED INTO A BUG! CAN YOU LIVE A HAPPY AND FULFILLING

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10 THINGS DOUG FORD HAS ALREADY USED THE NOTWITHSTANDING CLAUSE ON 6 RUGS THAT ARE ACTUALLY JUST CLOTHES YOU LEFT ON THE FLOOR 5 EFFORTLESS POTTERY OVERALLS WORN BY CALMER WOMEN THAN YOU THESE 5 PEOPLE NOW LIVE IN P.E.I. BECAUSE THEY COULDN’T PAY THE $47 CONFEDERATION BRIDGE TOLL HOW TO GO VEGAN…NEXT WEEK

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IOC ASKS ALL ATHLETES TO PARTICIPATE IN TOKYO OLYMPICS FROM THEIR

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TTC ADEQUATE FOR FIRST TIME IN 40 YEARS

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CANADIAN GOVERNMENT SCOLDS CITIZENS FOR NOT FULLY EMBRACING ITS

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VIRUS ENTERS MAN WITHOUT CONSENT

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NCAA SEARCHING FOR NEW WAYS TO EXPLOIT STUDENT ATHLETES AFTER CANCELLATION OF MARCH MADNESS

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STAPLES RELEASES LIMITED EDITION HOMOSEXUAL AGENDAS CALGARY – Sales have skyrocketed for Staples Business Depot after the release of a limited-edition homosexual agenda. “I finally feel so organized,” said Brian Rolands, 34, while running hi…

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Alberta - 20 hours ago ALBERTA’S HEALTH MINISTER MODELS EXCELLENT PHYSICAL DISTANCING BY YELLING AT PEOPLE FROM AT LEAST 2 METERS AWAY EDMONTON – Alberta Health Minister Tyler Shandro is practicing what he preaches by committing to only respond to people who’ve accused him of unethically benefiting from his role as public …

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NETFLIX’S “ARE YOU STILL WATCHING” ONLY SOCIAL CONTACT IN DAYS CANADA – As coronavirus social distancing approaches its second full week, single-person households across the country report Netflix’s autoprompt reminding them that they are alone – so, s…

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Health - 1 day ago

LOCAL BADASS ONLY WASHES HANDS FOR 15 SECONDS VANCOUVER – Resident troublemaker James Bryant rocked the health-and-hygiene world yesterday when he announced he had been washing his hands for only 15 seconds at a time, a full 5 seconds …

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Local - 1 day ago

LOCAL WOMAN SCRAMBLING TO FIND SINGLE PRESENTABLE CORNER IN DECREPIT APARTMENT FOR WORK SKYPE MEETING Gimli, MB – As workplaces across the globe are switching to a work from home model amid the Covid-19 pandemic, 26 year old administrative coordinator, Madeline Wilson was spotted scrambling…

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Gaming - 2 days ago MONOPOLY BANNED DURING QUARANTINE TO PREVENT HOMICIDE INCREASE OTTAWA – In the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, the government of Canada has introduced legislation to ban the nation-wide use of Hasbro’s Monopoly in order to prevent any further uptick in…

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SELF-QUARANTINED WORKFORCE DISCOVERS 95% OF ALL JOBS COULD HAVE JUST

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CANADA — As the COVID-19 situation finds many Canadians working from home for the first time, the overwhelming majority report discovering that their entire job description could normally b…

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JAPAN, IOC POSTPONE ALL 2020 OLYMPIC EVENTS EXCEPT FENCING TOKYO – Amid the rising COVID-19 pandemic, the International Olympic Committee along with the Japanese government has released a statement confirming that while the majority of the summer g…

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U.S. - 3 days ago

BIDEN ANNOUNCES HE’LL MAKE MORE PUBLIC APPEARANCES WHEN ANIMAL CROSSING: NEW HORIZONS STOPS BEING SO SICK WILMINGTON, DE- Following mounting public concern regarding Democratic candidate Joe Biden’s limited presence in the public eye, a his campaign announced Biden will begin addressing his constitue…

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U.S. - 4 days ago

KREMLIN STILL CAN’T REMEMBER TRIGGER WORD TO ACTIVATE BERNIE SANDERS MOSCOW – A source inside the Kremlin has confirmed that the handlers of deep cover operative Bernie Sanders have lost the password needed to activate the commands placed in his subconscious…

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