HOME - THE ROCHDALE HERALDHOMELOCAL NEWSNATIONAL NEWSINTERNATIONAL NEWSOTHER NEWSFEATURES Chris Witty signs lucrative sponsorship deal with Andrex toilet paper. Earthquake rescue workers assured Leighton Buzzard is fine, it’s supposed to look like that. Government appoints Franz Kafka as new Head of Test and Trace service. Grant Shapps hires ferry fleet to transport people back to offices. Criminals allowed to break law in MAN THAT FAILED GCSE SCIENCE NOW AN EXPERT IN PEDIATRICS A Rochdale man who failed GCSE Science has revealed he’s an expert on pediatrics and specializes in treatments for Pneumonia. Bill Board loudly announced his expertise to surprised family members this morning over a cup of coffee whilst reading a story in a newspaper about a child in a hospital in Leeds lay on the floor suffering from

Pneumonia.

CORBYN TO SELL YOUR CAT TO PAY FOR A STATUE OF LENIN Corbyn to sell your cat to pay for a statue of Lenin, confirms BBC. The BBC has confirmed that should Jeremy Corbyn win the General Election he intends to sell peoples cats to fund a statue of Lenin. The report is confidential but has been seen by the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg. In it are details that Jeremy Corbyn will stalk up and

down the

PANIC ACROSS UK AS WHITE SUBSTANCE CONTINUES TO FALL FROM A state of emergency has been declared in a number of regions after a strange white substance fell from the sky recently. As councils were caught out, the white stuff fell in amounts not seen since last winter and highways agencies up and down the country slapped their foreheads

and said “Crap!

THE 'J' IS FOR GENIUS, CONFIRMS DONALD J TRUMP Washington – The actual real life President of the United States of America Donald J Trump has cleared up speculation over the weekend about what his middle name is.. The leader of the free world confirmed on Twitter that his middle name is not in fact ‘John’ SACHA BARON-COHEN AMAZED NO ONE HAS SEEN THROUGH HIS Sacha Baron-Cohen has expressed amazement that no one has twigged that he is the man behind the character ‘Jeremy Corbyn’. “I wanted to play with the frankly preposterous idea of a proper socialist trying to become leader of the modern Labour Party.” said the Ali G QUEEN ACTS OUT STAMP DURING CHARADES FOR 60TH YEAR RUNNING The Queen acted out a stamp for the 60th year running during the traditional game of Charades at Sandringham yesterday. An insider told

us, "She does it -

CEUTA IS NOTHING LIKE GIBRALTAR, KING FELIPE OF SPAIN The Spanish King called for a deal on the status of Gibraltar yesterday. King Felipe VI clarified in no uncertain terms that: “The status of Gibraltar, a 6.7km2 British Overseas Territory located on the Southern end of the Iberian Peninsula, can be resolved independently from” *much coughing* MICHAEL GOVE IS SOMEBODY'S FAVOURITE FOR SOMETHING Michael Gove’s mum has spoken of her delight this morning after her son was described as somebody’s favourite, including her’s, for the first time in his life. A&E WAITING TIMES FAULT OF IMMIGRANTS SAYS BLOKE WITH BUZZ Rochdale: A Lancashire man has spoken of his outrage at being forced to stand and wait for attention in Rochdale A&E for more than four hours on Saturday night. HOME - THE ROCHDALE HERALDHOMELOCAL NEWSNATIONAL NEWSINTERNATIONAL NEWSOTHER NEWSFEATURES Chris Witty signs lucrative sponsorship deal with Andrex toilet paper. Earthquake rescue workers assured Leighton Buzzard is fine, it’s supposed to look like that. Government appoints Franz Kafka as new Head of Test and Trace service. Grant Shapps hires ferry fleet to transport people back to offices. Criminals allowed to break law in MAN THAT FAILED GCSE SCIENCE NOW AN EXPERT IN PEDIATRICS A Rochdale man who failed GCSE Science has revealed he’s an expert on pediatrics and specializes in treatments for Pneumonia. Bill Board loudly announced his expertise to surprised family members this morning over a cup of coffee whilst reading a story in a newspaper about a child in a hospital in Leeds lay on the floor suffering from

Pneumonia.

CORBYN TO SELL YOUR CAT TO PAY FOR A STATUE OF LENIN Corbyn to sell your cat to pay for a statue of Lenin, confirms BBC. The BBC has confirmed that should Jeremy Corbyn win the General Election he intends to sell peoples cats to fund a statue of Lenin. The report is confidential but has been seen by the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg. In it are details that Jeremy Corbyn will stalk up and

down the

PANIC ACROSS UK AS WHITE SUBSTANCE CONTINUES TO FALL FROM A state of emergency has been declared in a number of regions after a strange white substance fell from the sky recently. As councils were caught out, the white stuff fell in amounts not seen since last winter and highways agencies up and down the country slapped their foreheads

and said “Crap!

THE 'J' IS FOR GENIUS, CONFIRMS DONALD J TRUMP Washington – The actual real life President of the United States of America Donald J Trump has cleared up speculation over the weekend about what his middle name is.. The leader of the free world confirmed on Twitter that his middle name is not in fact ‘John’ SACHA BARON-COHEN AMAZED NO ONE HAS SEEN THROUGH HIS Sacha Baron-Cohen has expressed amazement that no one has twigged that he is the man behind the character ‘Jeremy Corbyn’. “I wanted to play with the frankly preposterous idea of a proper socialist trying to become leader of the modern Labour Party.” said the Ali G QUEEN ACTS OUT STAMP DURING CHARADES FOR 60TH YEAR RUNNING The Queen acted out a stamp for the 60th year running during the traditional game of Charades at Sandringham yesterday. An insider told

us, "She does it -

CEUTA IS NOTHING LIKE GIBRALTAR, KING FELIPE OF SPAIN The Spanish King called for a deal on the status of Gibraltar yesterday. King Felipe VI clarified in no uncertain terms that: “The status of Gibraltar, a 6.7km2 British Overseas Territory located on the Southern end of the Iberian Peninsula, can be resolved independently from” *much coughing* MICHAEL GOVE IS SOMEBODY'S FAVOURITE FOR SOMETHING Michael Gove’s mum has spoken of her delight this morning after her son was described as somebody’s favourite, including her’s, for the first time in his life. A&E WAITING TIMES FAULT OF IMMIGRANTS SAYS BLOKE WITH BUZZ Rochdale: A Lancashire man has spoken of his outrage at being forced to stand and wait for attention in Rochdale A&E for more than four hours on Saturday night. INTERNATIONAL NEWS ARCHIVES International News Francis Aston - February 27, 2020 0. POTAUS Donald Trump has announced the creation of a Coronavirus Czar charged with coordinating the US's response to Coronavirus. He revealed that Doogie Howser M.D. has been appointed. In a 5 hour rambling announcement

POTATUS

DAVID BLUNKETT CONFIRMS HE'S STILL BLIND FOLLOWING DRIVING David Blunkett confirms he’s still blind following driving test. The Rochdale Herald can exclusively confirm that David Blunkett is still blind. Mr Blunkett confirmed the findings of his most recent eye sight test earlier today. A spokesman told us, “Earlier today Mr Blunkett used the ‘Cummings method’ to confirm he’s still blind.

OTHER NEWS ARCHIVES

Craft beer hand carbonated with bicycle pumps marks last throes of hipsterism. The cult of hipsterism which has seemingly infested the planet since forever appears to have finally reached its tipping point, The Rochdale Herald has found. The movement, in which participants strive to look like the CHRIS REA NOT DRIVING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS AS TEESSIDE Chris Rea has been forced to abandon plans to drive home for Christmas after it was announced that Middlesbrough has entered Tier 3 Covid

restrictions. A -

TRUDEAU PROMISES CANADIAN CITIZENS A WALL. 'U.S. WILL PAY Trudeau Promises Canadian Citizens A Wall. ‘U.S. Will Pay’. Canadian Premier Justin Trudeau reacted to the news of Donald Trump’s election as US President by announcing plans for a wall to be built along the US/Canadian border. “While we are the most hospitable of nations,” Trudeau said “we simply do not have the

resources to deal

MICHAEL GOVE IS SOMEBODY'S FAVOURITE FOR SOMETHING Michael Gove’s mum has spoken of her delight this morning after her son was described as somebody’s favourite, including her’s, for the first time in his life. BIG BEN TO BE RENAMED MASSIVE MOHAMMED FROM 2018 Big Ben to be renamed Massive Mohammed from 2018. Equality campaigners have welcomed plans to rename Big Ben as part of a project celebrating London’s rich cultural heritage. The famous landmark, which is due to undergo extensive refurbishment next week, is to be called ‘Massive Mohammed’ from 2018 to reflect the city’s growing

diversity.

ROCHDALE TWIN TOWNS TO BE REPLACED POST-BREXIT The twin towns in the Ukraine, Pakistan and Bangladesh are unaffected by the latest Government requirement, but Tourcoing, France and the German towns of Bielefeld and Peine will be deemed unacceptable after the UK leaves the EC. The Rochdale Clerk of Twinning, Robert Joumow announced today; “We have decided to replace the European twin DIANNE ABBOTT'S EX-HUSBAND CONFIRMS SHE OFTEN GETS Dianne Abbott’s ex-husband confirms she often gets headaches. Dianne Abbott’s ex-husband has put to bed rumours that Dianne was merely pulling a sicky to avoid casting her vote for Article 50 by confirming that she does in fact often gets headaches. “Diane often gets headaches” Dave told The Herald. “I was a bit surprised to hear

she

THERESA MAY MEETS NICOLA STURGEON TO TELL HER TO FUCK OFF Theresa May met children’s entertainer and Scottish First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon today to tell her to fuck off in person. Ostensibly the meeting was to reassure the Scottish First Minister that Scotland, who would have voted to remain in the EU if Scotland were a HOME - THE ROCHDALE HERALDHOMELOCAL NEWSNATIONAL NEWSINTERNATIONAL NEWSOTHER NEWSFEATURES Chris Witty signs lucrative sponsorship deal with Andrex toilet paper. Earthquake rescue workers assured Leighton Buzzard is fine, it’s supposed to look like that. Government appoints Franz Kafka as new Head of Test and Trace service. Grant Shapps hires ferry fleet to transport people back to offices. Criminals allowed to break law in MAN THAT FAILED GCSE SCIENCE NOW AN EXPERT IN PEDIATRICS A Rochdale man who failed GCSE Science has revealed he’s an expert on pediatrics and specializes in treatments for Pneumonia. Bill Board loudly announced his expertise to surprised family members this morning over a cup of coffee whilst reading a story in a newspaper about a child in a hospital in Leeds lay on the floor suffering from

Pneumonia.

CORBYN TO SELL YOUR CAT TO PAY FOR A STATUE OF LENIN Corbyn to sell your cat to pay for a statue of Lenin, confirms BBC. The BBC has confirmed that should Jeremy Corbyn win the General Election he intends to sell peoples cats to fund a statue of Lenin. The report is confidential but has been seen by the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg. In it are details that Jeremy Corbyn will stalk up and

down the

PANIC ACROSS UK AS WHITE SUBSTANCE CONTINUES TO FALL FROM A state of emergency has been declared in a number of regions after a strange white substance fell from the sky recently. As councils were caught out, the white stuff fell in amounts not seen since last winter and highways agencies up and down the country slapped their foreheads

and said “Crap!

THE 'J' IS FOR GENIUS, CONFIRMS DONALD J TRUMP Washington – The actual real life President of the United States of America Donald J Trump has cleared up speculation over the weekend about what his middle name is.. The leader of the free world confirmed on Twitter that his middle name is not in fact ‘John’ SACHA BARON-COHEN AMAZED NO ONE HAS SEEN THROUGH HIS Sacha Baron-Cohen has expressed amazement that no one has twigged that he is the man behind the character ‘Jeremy Corbyn’. “I wanted to play with the frankly preposterous idea of a proper socialist trying to become leader of the modern Labour Party.” said the Ali G QUEEN ACTS OUT STAMP DURING CHARADES FOR 60TH YEAR RUNNING The Queen acted out a stamp for the 60th year running during the traditional game of Charades at Sandringham yesterday. An insider told

us, "She does it -

CEUTA IS NOTHING LIKE GIBRALTAR, KING FELIPE OF SPAIN The Spanish King called for a deal on the status of Gibraltar yesterday. King Felipe VI clarified in no uncertain terms that: “The status of Gibraltar, a 6.7km2 British Overseas Territory located on the Southern end of the Iberian Peninsula, can be resolved independently from” *much coughing* MICHAEL GOVE IS SOMEBODY'S FAVOURITE FOR SOMETHING Michael Gove’s mum has spoken of her delight this morning after her son was described as somebody’s favourite, including her’s, for the first time in his life. A&E WAITING TIMES FAULT OF IMMIGRANTS SAYS BLOKE WITH BUZZ Rochdale: A Lancashire man has spoken of his outrage at being forced to stand and wait for attention in Rochdale A&E for more than four hours on Saturday night. HOME - THE ROCHDALE HERALDHOMELOCAL NEWSNATIONAL NEWSINTERNATIONAL NEWSOTHER NEWSFEATURES Chris Witty signs lucrative sponsorship deal with Andrex toilet paper. Earthquake rescue workers assured Leighton Buzzard is fine, it’s supposed to look like that. Government appoints Franz Kafka as new Head of Test and Trace service. Grant Shapps hires ferry fleet to transport people back to offices. Criminals allowed to break law in MAN THAT FAILED GCSE SCIENCE NOW AN EXPERT IN PEDIATRICS A Rochdale man who failed GCSE Science has revealed he’s an expert on pediatrics and specializes in treatments for Pneumonia. Bill Board loudly announced his expertise to surprised family members this morning over a cup of coffee whilst reading a story in a newspaper about a child in a hospital in Leeds lay on the floor suffering from

Pneumonia.

CORBYN TO SELL YOUR CAT TO PAY FOR A STATUE OF LENIN Corbyn to sell your cat to pay for a statue of Lenin, confirms BBC. The BBC has confirmed that should Jeremy Corbyn win the General Election he intends to sell peoples cats to fund a statue of Lenin. The report is confidential but has been seen by the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg. In it are details that Jeremy Corbyn will stalk up and

down the

PANIC ACROSS UK AS WHITE SUBSTANCE CONTINUES TO FALL FROM A state of emergency has been declared in a number of regions after a strange white substance fell from the sky recently. As councils were caught out, the white stuff fell in amounts not seen since last winter and highways agencies up and down the country slapped their foreheads

and said “Crap!

THE 'J' IS FOR GENIUS, CONFIRMS DONALD J TRUMP Washington – The actual real life President of the United States of America Donald J Trump has cleared up speculation over the weekend about what his middle name is.. The leader of the free world confirmed on Twitter that his middle name is not in fact ‘John’ SACHA BARON-COHEN AMAZED NO ONE HAS SEEN THROUGH HIS Sacha Baron-Cohen has expressed amazement that no one has twigged that he is the man behind the character ‘Jeremy Corbyn’. “I wanted to play with the frankly preposterous idea of a proper socialist trying to become leader of the modern Labour Party.” said the Ali G QUEEN ACTS OUT STAMP DURING CHARADES FOR 60TH YEAR RUNNING The Queen acted out a stamp for the 60th year running during the traditional game of Charades at Sandringham yesterday. An insider told

us, "She does it -

CEUTA IS NOTHING LIKE GIBRALTAR, KING FELIPE OF SPAIN The Spanish King called for a deal on the status of Gibraltar yesterday. King Felipe VI clarified in no uncertain terms that: “The status of Gibraltar, a 6.7km2 British Overseas Territory located on the Southern end of the Iberian Peninsula, can be resolved independently from” *much coughing* MICHAEL GOVE IS SOMEBODY'S FAVOURITE FOR SOMETHING Michael Gove’s mum has spoken of her delight this morning after her son was described as somebody’s favourite, including her’s, for the first time in his life. A&E WAITING TIMES FAULT OF IMMIGRANTS SAYS BLOKE WITH BUZZ Rochdale: A Lancashire man has spoken of his outrage at being forced to stand and wait for attention in Rochdale A&E for more than four hours on Saturday night. INTERNATIONAL NEWS ARCHIVES International News Francis Aston - February 27, 2020 0. POTAUS Donald Trump has announced the creation of a Coronavirus Czar charged with coordinating the US's response to Coronavirus. He revealed that Doogie Howser M.D. has been appointed. In a 5 hour rambling announcement

POTATUS

DAVID BLUNKETT CONFIRMS HE'S STILL BLIND FOLLOWING DRIVING David Blunkett confirms he’s still blind following driving test. The Rochdale Herald can exclusively confirm that David Blunkett is still blind. Mr Blunkett confirmed the findings of his most recent eye sight test earlier today. A spokesman told us, “Earlier today Mr Blunkett used the ‘Cummings method’ to confirm he’s still blind.

OTHER NEWS ARCHIVES

Craft beer hand carbonated with bicycle pumps marks last throes of hipsterism. The cult of hipsterism which has seemingly infested the planet since forever appears to have finally reached its tipping point, The Rochdale Herald has found. The movement, in which participants strive to look like the CHRIS REA NOT DRIVING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS AS TEESSIDE Chris Rea has been forced to abandon plans to drive home for Christmas after it was announced that Middlesbrough has entered Tier 3 Covid

restrictions. A -

TRUDEAU PROMISES CANADIAN CITIZENS A WALL. 'U.S. WILL PAY Trudeau Promises Canadian Citizens A Wall. ‘U.S. Will Pay’. Canadian Premier Justin Trudeau reacted to the news of Donald Trump’s election as US President by announcing plans for a wall to be built along the US/Canadian border. “While we are the most hospitable of nations,” Trudeau said “we simply do not have the

resources to deal

MICHAEL GOVE IS SOMEBODY'S FAVOURITE FOR SOMETHING Michael Gove’s mum has spoken of her delight this morning after her son was described as somebody’s favourite, including her’s, for the first time in his life. BIG BEN TO BE RENAMED MASSIVE MOHAMMED FROM 2018 Big Ben to be renamed Massive Mohammed from 2018. Equality campaigners have welcomed plans to rename Big Ben as part of a project celebrating London’s rich cultural heritage. The famous landmark, which is due to undergo extensive refurbishment next week, is to be called ‘Massive Mohammed’ from 2018 to reflect the city’s growing

diversity.

ROCHDALE TWIN TOWNS TO BE REPLACED POST-BREXIT The twin towns in the Ukraine, Pakistan and Bangladesh are unaffected by the latest Government requirement, but Tourcoing, France and the German towns of Bielefeld and Peine will be deemed unacceptable after the UK leaves the EC. The Rochdale Clerk of Twinning, Robert Joumow announced today; “We have decided to replace the European twin DIANNE ABBOTT'S EX-HUSBAND CONFIRMS SHE OFTEN GETS Dianne Abbott’s ex-husband confirms she often gets headaches. Dianne Abbott’s ex-husband has put to bed rumours that Dianne was merely pulling a sicky to avoid casting her vote for Article 50 by confirming that she does in fact often gets headaches. “Diane often gets headaches” Dave told The Herald. “I was a bit surprised to hear

she

THERESA MAY MEETS NICOLA STURGEON TO TELL HER TO FUCK OFF Theresa May met children’s entertainer and Scottish First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon today to tell her to fuck off in person. Ostensibly the meeting was to reassure the Scottish First Minister that Scotland, who would have voted to remain in the EU if Scotland were a HOME - THE ROCHDALE HERALDHOMELOCAL NEWSNATIONAL NEWSINTERNATIONAL NEWSOTHER NEWSFEATURES Chris Witty signs lucrative sponsorship deal with Andrex toilet paper. Earthquake rescue workers assured Leighton Buzzard is fine, it’s supposed to look like that. Government appoints Franz Kafka as new Head of Test and Trace service. Grant Shapps hires ferry fleet to transport people back to offices. Criminals allowed to break law in DAVID BLUNKETT CONFIRMS HE'S STILL BLIND FOLLOWING DRIVING David Blunkett confirms he’s still blind following driving test. The Rochdale Herald can exclusively confirm that David Blunkett is still blind. Mr Blunkett confirmed the findings of his most recent eye sight test earlier today. A spokesman told us, “Earlier today Mr Blunkett used the ‘Cummings method’ to confirm he’s still blind. MAN THAT FAILED GCSE SCIENCE NOW AN EXPERT IN PEDIATRICS A Rochdale man who failed GCSE Science has revealed he’s an expert on pediatrics and specializes in treatments for Pneumonia. Bill Board loudly announced his expertise to surprised family members this morning over a cup of coffee whilst reading a story in a newspaper about a child in a hospital in Leeds lay on the floor suffering from

Pneumonia.

CORBYN TO SELL YOUR CAT TO PAY FOR A STATUE OF LENIN Corbyn to sell your cat to pay for a statue of Lenin, confirms BBC. The BBC has confirmed that should Jeremy Corbyn win the General Election he intends to sell peoples cats to fund a statue of Lenin. The report is confidential but has been seen by the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg. In it are details that Jeremy Corbyn will stalk up and

down the

THE 'J' IS FOR GENIUS, CONFIRMS DONALD J TRUMP Washington – The actual real life President of the United States of America Donald J Trump has cleared up speculation over the weekend about what his middle name is.. The leader of the free world confirmed on Twitter that his middle name is not in fact ‘John’ SACHA BARON-COHEN AMAZED NO ONE HAS SEEN THROUGH HIS Sacha Baron-Cohen has expressed amazement that no one has twigged that he is the man behind the character ‘Jeremy Corbyn’. “I wanted to play with the frankly preposterous idea of a proper socialist trying to become leader of the modern Labour Party.” said the Ali G QUEEN ACTS OUT STAMP DURING CHARADES FOR 60TH YEAR RUNNING The Queen acted out a stamp for the 60th year running during the traditional game of Charades at Sandringham yesterday. An insider told

us, "She does it -

CEUTA IS NOTHING LIKE GIBRALTAR, KING FELIPE OF SPAIN The Spanish King called for a deal on the status of Gibraltar yesterday. King Felipe VI clarified in no uncertain terms that: “The status of Gibraltar, a 6.7km2 British Overseas Territory located on the Southern end of the Iberian Peninsula, can be resolved independently from” *much coughing* MICHAEL GOVE IS SOMEBODY'S FAVOURITE FOR SOMETHING Michael Gove’s mum has spoken of her delight this morning after her son was described as somebody’s favourite, including her’s, for the first time in his life. A&E WAITING TIMES FAULT OF IMMIGRANTS SAYS BLOKE WITH BUZZ Rochdale: A Lancashire man has spoken of his outrage at being forced to stand and wait for attention in Rochdale A&E for more than four hours on Saturday night. HOME - THE ROCHDALE HERALDHOMELOCAL NEWSNATIONAL NEWSINTERNATIONAL NEWSOTHER NEWSFEATURES Chris Witty signs lucrative sponsorship deal with Andrex toilet paper. Earthquake rescue workers assured Leighton Buzzard is fine, it’s supposed to look like that. Government appoints Franz Kafka as new Head of Test and Trace service. Grant Shapps hires ferry fleet to transport people back to offices. Criminals allowed to break law in DAVID BLUNKETT CONFIRMS HE'S STILL BLIND FOLLOWING DRIVING David Blunkett confirms he’s still blind following driving test. The Rochdale Herald can exclusively confirm that David Blunkett is still blind. Mr Blunkett confirmed the findings of his most recent eye sight test earlier today. A spokesman told us, “Earlier today Mr Blunkett used the ‘Cummings method’ to confirm he’s still blind. MAN THAT FAILED GCSE SCIENCE NOW AN EXPERT IN PEDIATRICS A Rochdale man who failed GCSE Science has revealed he’s an expert on pediatrics and specializes in treatments for Pneumonia. Bill Board loudly announced his expertise to surprised family members this morning over a cup of coffee whilst reading a story in a newspaper about a child in a hospital in Leeds lay on the floor suffering from

Pneumonia.

CORBYN TO SELL YOUR CAT TO PAY FOR A STATUE OF LENIN Corbyn to sell your cat to pay for a statue of Lenin, confirms BBC. The BBC has confirmed that should Jeremy Corbyn win the General Election he intends to sell peoples cats to fund a statue of Lenin. The report is confidential but has been seen by the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg. In it are details that Jeremy Corbyn will stalk up and

down the

THE 'J' IS FOR GENIUS, CONFIRMS DONALD J TRUMP Washington – The actual real life President of the United States of America Donald J Trump has cleared up speculation over the weekend about what his middle name is.. The leader of the free world confirmed on Twitter that his middle name is not in fact ‘John’ SACHA BARON-COHEN AMAZED NO ONE HAS SEEN THROUGH HIS Sacha Baron-Cohen has expressed amazement that no one has twigged that he is the man behind the character ‘Jeremy Corbyn’. “I wanted to play with the frankly preposterous idea of a proper socialist trying to become leader of the modern Labour Party.” said the Ali G QUEEN ACTS OUT STAMP DURING CHARADES FOR 60TH YEAR RUNNING The Queen acted out a stamp for the 60th year running during the traditional game of Charades at Sandringham yesterday. An insider told

us, "She does it -

CEUTA IS NOTHING LIKE GIBRALTAR, KING FELIPE OF SPAIN The Spanish King called for a deal on the status of Gibraltar yesterday. King Felipe VI clarified in no uncertain terms that: “The status of Gibraltar, a 6.7km2 British Overseas Territory located on the Southern end of the Iberian Peninsula, can be resolved independently from” *much coughing* MICHAEL GOVE IS SOMEBODY'S FAVOURITE FOR SOMETHING Michael Gove’s mum has spoken of her delight this morning after her son was described as somebody’s favourite, including her’s, for the first time in his life. A&E WAITING TIMES FAULT OF IMMIGRANTS SAYS BLOKE WITH BUZZ Rochdale: A Lancashire man has spoken of his outrage at being forced to stand and wait for attention in Rochdale A&E for more than four hours on Saturday night. INTERNATIONAL NEWS ARCHIVES International News Francis Aston - February 27, 2020 0. POTAUS Donald Trump has announced the creation of a Coronavirus Czar charged with coordinating the US's response to Coronavirus. He revealed that Doogie Howser M.D. has been appointed. In a 5 hour rambling announcement

POTATUS

DAVID BLUNKETT CONFIRMS HE'S STILL BLIND FOLLOWING DRIVING David Blunkett confirms he’s still blind following driving test. The Rochdale Herald can exclusively confirm that David Blunkett is still blind. Mr Blunkett confirmed the findings of his most recent eye sight test earlier today. A spokesman told us, “Earlier today Mr Blunkett used the ‘Cummings method’ to confirm he’s still blind.

OTHER NEWS ARCHIVES

Craft beer hand carbonated with bicycle pumps marks last throes of hipsterism. The cult of hipsterism which has seemingly infested the planet since forever appears to have finally reached its tipping point, The Rochdale Herald has found. The movement, in which participants strive to look like the CHRIS REA NOT DRIVING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS AS TEESSIDE Chris Rea has been forced to abandon plans to drive home for Christmas after it was announced that Middlesbrough has entered Tier 3 Covid

restrictions. A -

TRUDEAU PROMISES CANADIAN CITIZENS A WALL. 'U.S. WILL PAY Trudeau Promises Canadian Citizens A Wall. ‘U.S. Will Pay’. Canadian Premier Justin Trudeau reacted to the news of Donald Trump’s election as US President by announcing plans for a wall to be built along the US/Canadian border. “While we are the most hospitable of nations,” Trudeau said “we simply do not have the

resources to deal

MICHAEL GOVE IS SOMEBODY'S FAVOURITE FOR SOMETHING Michael Gove’s mum has spoken of her delight this morning after her son was described as somebody’s favourite, including her’s, for the first time in his life. BIG BEN TO BE RENAMED MASSIVE MOHAMMED FROM 2018 Big Ben to be renamed Massive Mohammed from 2018. Equality campaigners have welcomed plans to rename Big Ben as part of a project celebrating London’s rich cultural heritage. The famous landmark, which is due to undergo extensive refurbishment next week, is to be called ‘Massive Mohammed’ from 2018 to reflect the city’s growing

diversity.

ROCHDALE TWIN TOWNS TO BE REPLACED POST-BREXIT The twin towns in the Ukraine, Pakistan and Bangladesh are unaffected by the latest Government requirement, but Tourcoing, France and the German towns of Bielefeld and Peine will be deemed unacceptable after the UK leaves the EC. The Rochdale Clerk of Twinning, Robert Joumow announced today; “We have decided to replace the European twin DIANNE ABBOTT'S EX-HUSBAND CONFIRMS SHE OFTEN GETS Dianne Abbott’s ex-husband confirms she often gets headaches. Dianne Abbott’s ex-husband has put to bed rumours that Dianne was merely pulling a sicky to avoid casting her vote for Article 50 by confirming that she does in fact often gets headaches. “Diane often gets headaches” Dave told The Herald. “I was a bit surprised to hear

she

THERESA MAY MEETS NICOLA STURGEON TO TELL HER TO FUCK OFF Theresa May met children’s entertainer and Scottish First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon today to tell her to fuck off in person. Ostensibly the meeting was to reassure the Scottish First Minister that Scotland, who would have voted to remain in the EU if Scotland were a

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CHRIS REA NOT DRIVING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS AS TEESSIDE ENTERS TIER... Featured December 2, 2020 DEADLY BRAIN EATING MICROBE STARVES TO DEATH IN TEXAS WATER SUPPLY

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September 27, 2020

EARTHQUAKE RESCUE WORKERS ASSURED LEIGHTON BUZZARD IS FINE, IT’S

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2020

CHRIS WITTY SIGNS LUCRATIVE SPONSORSHIP DEAL WITH ANDREX TOILET PAPER Health September 21,

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GOVERNMENT APPOINTS FRANZ KAFKA AS NEW HEAD OF TEST AND TRACE... Featured September 17, 2020 TORIES “LIMITED AND SPECIFIC” LAW BREAKING GIVEN THUMBS UP BY

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September 16, 2020

NHS TEST AND TRACE CENTRE DISCOVERED ON VENUS Science and Technology

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GROUSE SHOOTS REPORT SUDDEN INCREASE IN CHILDREN’S BIRTHDAY PARTY

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“OPERATION CUMSHOT” – UK GOV COMMITS TO SPUNKING £100BN ON

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TURN YOUR HOUSE INTO A COSTA AND OTHER TIPS FOR HOSTING... Crime September 9, 2020 CRIMINALS ALLOWED TO BREAK LAW IN ‘SPECIFIC AND LIMITED WAY’ Crime September 9, 2020 GRANT SHAPPS HIRES FERRY FLEET TO TRANSPORT PEOPLE BACK TO OFFICES National News August 28,

2020

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WARNING ISSUED AFTER TEETOTAL VEGAN NON-SMOKER BORES HIMSELF TO DEATH National News September 15,

2018

STARBUCKS EVACUATED AFTER CUSTOMER ALAN AKBAR ORDERS A COFFEE National News January 8,

2019

DENMARK OFFERS TO BUY AMERICA FROM RUSSIA

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21, 2019

GLASTONBURY FOOD VENDORS UPROAR AFTER JEREMY CORBYN FEEDS FESTIVAL

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Religion June 24, 2017 MET OFFICE ALERT AFTER SIGHTING OF GEORDIE WOMAN WEARING JACKET IN... Featured January 14, 2017 MAN DIES OF BOREDOM AFTER CHANCE MEETING WITH VEGAN WHO DOES...

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21, 2017

PRINCE PHILIP DEEMED FIT TO WORK AFTER ATOS WORK CAPABILITY ASSESSMENT National News May 4, 2017 “IF IT WASN’T FOR CHURCHILL YOU’D BE SPEAKING GERMAN” SAYS

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National News June 13, 2020 CORONAVIRUS EQUALS UK MORTALITY RATE OF MICHAEL BARRYMORE’S SWIMMING

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Health March 5, 2020 MARIAH CAREY RECORDS SHOCK COVER OF DEAD KENNEDY’S ‘NAZI PUNKS

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August 20, 2017

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EDITOR'S PICKS

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BRIDE’S FATHER PAYS? ASKS MEGHAN MARKLE’S

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Royals May 16, 2018 BORIS JOHNSON LAUNCHES ‘FREE ROBERT MUGABE’ CAMPAIGN

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November 15, 2017

THIRTY NINE BUS SEATS ARRESTED IN COUNTER-TERRORISM OPERATION National News August 2, 2017 JK ROWLING DEDICATES NEXT BOOK HARRY POTTER AND THE DEAD GIRL’S...

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February 14, 2017

FACEBOOK RUINING CHRISTMAS FOR KIDS IN POVERTY Featured December 12, 2018 SEX EDUCATION IN PRIMARY SCHOOLS SHOULD BE BANNED, SAYS BURNLEY

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National News November 16,

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MORE POPULAR STORIES COLONISTS ON LV-426 EXCITED AFTER DISCOVERY OF EASTER EGGS

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2018

JOSEF FRITZL GETS KNIGHTHOOD IN NEW YEARS HONOURS

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28, 2019

MARRYING MELANIN MADDENS MEDIA MORE THAN MOLESTING MINORS

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SUSAN BOYLE TO SING DEAD KENNEDYS ‘TOO DRUNK TO F*CK’ AT...

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4, 2017

FARAGE IN CRITICAL CONDITION AFTER FALL AT A SUPPORTERS MEETING Politics October 9,

2016

MELANIA TRUMP FACES CRITICISM FOR WEARING “EXTERMINATE” T-SHIRT TO

HOLOCAUST MEMORIAL

America June

24, 2018

UNEMPLOYED MOTHER ON BENEFITS KNOCKED UP AGAIN Royals September 4,

2017

IMPOSSIBLE TO SEE PHOTO OF MICHAEL GOVE AND NOT SAY ‘TWAT’... Science and Technology

January

17, 2017

SAM ALLARDYCE TO STEP IN AS CARETAKER PRINCESS FOR REST OF...

Royals January 9,

2020

BBC BANS RACIST SONG WHITE CHRISTMAS

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December 8, 2018

PEOPLE WHO MAKE FLAMMABLE MODELS TO FACE HIGHER STANDARD OF JUSTICE... National News November 6,

2018

DONALD TRUMP TO APPOINT MR MUSCLE™ AS HIS NEW CORONAVIRUS ADVISOR

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April 24, 2020

PANICKED LONDON TRAIN COMMUTERS FORCE OPEN DOORS AND FLEE ONTO

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Transport October 6,

2017

JEREMY CORBYN PICTURED LAYING WREATH WITH INTERNATIONAL TERRORISTS,

ARMS DEALERS AND...

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2018

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