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LIFE OUT OF B.E.D
(Content warning: mental health/suicide) Yesterday (October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I'd love to write a post about how I've overcome all of the challenges I've faced in regards to mental health, offering tips on how I did it and gratitude for having come so far. LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: 2020 (Content warning: mental health/suicide) Yesterday (October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I'd love to write a post about how I've overcome all of the challenges I've faced in regards to mental health, offering tips on how I did it and gratitude for having come so far. THINGS I ALREADY KNOW I get overwhelmed. It happens to everyone. We live in a hectic world filled with vibrating phones and important work meetings and first dates with strangers weWHAT IS B.E.D?
Trigger warning: description of B.E.D and what a binge episode looks/feels like Binge Eating Disorder (abbreviated as "B.E.D") is the most prevalent eating disorder, with an estimated 1-5% of the general population affected.WEAR WHAT YOU WANT
Then came The Fattening. I gained something like 50 pounds in less than a year. I couldn't fit into clothes from Limited Too like my fellow 2nd graders and ended up shopping in the junior's section at 8years old.
FIVE YEARS | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D Here we are: June 28 th, 2018.I woke up an hour before my alarm this morning – as if my subconscious knew that today was a milestone – and went for a stroll around my neighborhood.WHAT'S EATING AT ME
Things were really awful for a bit there. U nfortunately, s omething isn't right with me, and I feel a relapse coming on. Honestly, it feels good to write that sentence, to admit to myself that I'm not okay right now, which in itself is a huge indicator of how far I'vecome.
HUGE | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D These are the only honest words they can say to you. You smile and thank them and glance at yourself in a mirror, a window, a cell phone screen, but all you see is the sweat piling on your face from beingout on a
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: 2016 I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering what LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: 2018 A few weeks ago, the hosts of my favorite podcast (The Read) were talking about important things they've learned in therapy as part of anew segment.
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D
(Content warning: mental health/suicide) Yesterday (October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I'd love to write a post about how I've overcome all of the challenges I've faced in regards to mental health, offering tips on how I did it and gratitude for having come so far. LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: 2020 (Content warning: mental health/suicide) Yesterday (October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I'd love to write a post about how I've overcome all of the challenges I've faced in regards to mental health, offering tips on how I did it and gratitude for having come so far. THINGS I ALREADY KNOW I get overwhelmed. It happens to everyone. We live in a hectic world filled with vibrating phones and important work meetings and first dates with strangers weWHAT IS B.E.D?
Trigger warning: description of B.E.D and what a binge episode looks/feels like Binge Eating Disorder (abbreviated as "B.E.D") is the most prevalent eating disorder, with an estimated 1-5% of the general population affected.WEAR WHAT YOU WANT
Then came The Fattening. I gained something like 50 pounds in less than a year. I couldn't fit into clothes from Limited Too like my fellow 2nd graders and ended up shopping in the junior's section at 8years old.
FIVE YEARS | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D Here we are: June 28 th, 2018.I woke up an hour before my alarm this morning – as if my subconscious knew that today was a milestone – and went for a stroll around my neighborhood.WHAT'S EATING AT ME
Things were really awful for a bit there. U nfortunately, s omething isn't right with me, and I feel a relapse coming on. Honestly, it feels good to write that sentence, to admit to myself that I'm not okay right now, which in itself is a huge indicator of how far I'vecome.
HUGE | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D These are the only honest words they can say to you. You smile and thank them and glance at yourself in a mirror, a window, a cell phone screen, but all you see is the sweat piling on your face from beingout on a
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: 2016 I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering what LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: 2018 A few weeks ago, the hosts of my favorite podcast (The Read) were talking about important things they've learned in therapy as part of anew segment.
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: SEPTEMBER 2020 There's often chatter around "letting go" - of material possessions, of judgment, of bad relationships, etc. etc. I've grown immensely in the past five years or so, and I'd like to think that I have become more comfortable with this concept.WHAT'S EATING AT ME
Things were really awful for a bit there. U nfortunately, s omething isn't right with me, and I feel a relapse coming on. Honestly, it feels good to write that sentence, to admit to myself that I'm not okay right now, which in itself is a huge indicator of how far I'vecome.
ON FORGIVENESS
Since I listened to that episode, this topic has been really prominent in my mind. It's something I was definitely told about in therapy myself, but perhaps I wasn't in the mental space for it to land yet.AROUND THE TRACK
Trigger warning: Talk of obsession with weight loss exercise. Please do not read if you think this may upset you! On Sunday, I went to a kickboxing class at my gym. A THING THAT HAPPENED Emotional eating happens to everyone. When you're recovering/recovered from an E.D, it can be difficult to distinguish between what is normal emotional eating and what is an E.D-fueled binge.A "THIN" LINE
(Sorry for the horrible pun) When it comes to my eating & exercise habits, I always ask myself whether or not I'm taking care of myself as opposed to whether or not what I'm doing is "right", because for my recovery process, self-care is my number one priority. COPING | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering what LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: 2015 Emotional eating happens to everyone. When you're recovering/recovered from an E.D, it can be difficult to distinguish between what is normal emotional eating and what is an E.D-fueled binge. LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: JANUARY 2015 Things were really awful for a bit there. U nfortunately, s omething isn't right with me, and I feel a relapse coming on. Honestly, it feels good to write that sentence, to admit to myself that I'm not okay right now, which in itself is a huge indicator of how far I'vecome.
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: MARCH 2015 The night before: lay out your gym clothes, pack your work bag, pack your gym bag with work clothes, makeup bag, and shower necessities. 5am. Wake up, brush your teeth in aLIFE OUT OF B.E.D
(Content warning: mental health/suicide) Yesterday (October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I'd love to write a post about how I've overcome all of the challenges I've faced in regards to mental health, offering tips on how I did it and gratitude for having come so far. THINGS I ALREADY KNOW I get overwhelmed. It happens to everyone. We live in a hectic world filled with vibrating phones and important work meetings and first dates with strangers we FIVE YEARS | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D Here we are: June 28 th, 2018.I woke up an hour before my alarm this morning – as if my subconscious knew that today was a milestone – and went for a stroll around my neighborhood.WHAT IS B.E.D?
Trigger warning: description of B.E.D and what a binge episode looks/feels like Binge Eating Disorder (abbreviated as "B.E.D") is the most prevalent eating disorder, with an estimated 1-5% of the general population affected. COPING | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering whatAROUND THE TRACK
Trigger warning: Talk of obsession with weight loss exercise. Please do not read if you think this may upset you! On Sunday, I went to a kickboxing class at my gym. HUGE | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D These are the only honest words they can say to you. You smile and thank them and glance at yourself in a mirror, a window, a cell phone screen, but all you see is the sweat piling on your face from beingout on a
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: 2016 I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering what LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: WEAR WHAT YOU WANT Have you ever been going about your day, minding your business, when you are suddenly hit with the realization that you have believedsometh
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: OCTOBER 2015 Emotional eating happens to everyone. When you're recovering/recovered from an E.D, it can be difficult to distinguish between what is normal emotional eating and what is an E.D-fueled binge.LIFE OUT OF B.E.D
(Content warning: mental health/suicide) Yesterday (October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I'd love to write a post about how I've overcome all of the challenges I've faced in regards to mental health, offering tips on how I did it and gratitude for having come so far. THINGS I ALREADY KNOW I get overwhelmed. It happens to everyone. We live in a hectic world filled with vibrating phones and important work meetings and first dates with strangers we FIVE YEARS | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D Here we are: June 28 th, 2018.I woke up an hour before my alarm this morning – as if my subconscious knew that today was a milestone – and went for a stroll around my neighborhood.WHAT IS B.E.D?
Trigger warning: description of B.E.D and what a binge episode looks/feels like Binge Eating Disorder (abbreviated as "B.E.D") is the most prevalent eating disorder, with an estimated 1-5% of the general population affected. COPING | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering whatAROUND THE TRACK
Trigger warning: Talk of obsession with weight loss exercise. Please do not read if you think this may upset you! On Sunday, I went to a kickboxing class at my gym. HUGE | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D These are the only honest words they can say to you. You smile and thank them and glance at yourself in a mirror, a window, a cell phone screen, but all you see is the sweat piling on your face from beingout on a
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: 2016 I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering what LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: WEAR WHAT YOU WANT Have you ever been going about your day, minding your business, when you are suddenly hit with the realization that you have believedsometh
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: OCTOBER 2015 Emotional eating happens to everyone. When you're recovering/recovered from an E.D, it can be difficult to distinguish between what is normal emotional eating and what is an E.D-fueled binge.LIFE OUT OF B.E.D
(Content warning: mental health/suicide) Yesterday (October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I'd love to write a post about how I've overcome all of the challenges I've faced in regards to mental health, offering tips on how I did it and gratitude for having come so far.LIFE OUT OF B.E.D
(Content warning: mental health/suicide) Yesterday (October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I'd love to write a post about how I've overcome all of the challenges I've faced in regards to mental health, offering tips on how I did it and gratitude for having come so far. THINGS I ALREADY KNOW I get overwhelmed. It happens to everyone. We live in a hectic world filled with vibrating phones and important work meetings and first dates with strangers we FIVE YEARS | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D Here we are: June 28 th, 2018.I woke up an hour before my alarm this morning – as if my subconscious knew that today was a milestone – and went for a stroll around my neighborhood.WHAT IS B.E.D?
Trigger warning: description of B.E.D and what a binge episode looks/feels like Binge Eating Disorder (abbreviated as "B.E.D") is the most prevalent eating disorder, with an estimated 1-5% of the general population affected. COPING | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering whatAROUND THE TRACK
Trigger warning: Talk of obsession with weight loss exercise. Please do not read if you think this may upset you! On Sunday, I went to a kickboxing class at my gym. HUGE | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D These are the only honest words they can say to you. You smile and thank them and glance at yourself in a mirror, a window, a cell phone screen, but all you see is the sweat piling on your face from beingout on a
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: 2016 I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering what LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: WEAR WHAT YOU WANT Have you ever been going about your day, minding your business, when you are suddenly hit with the realization that you have believedsometh
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: OCTOBER 2015 Emotional eating happens to everyone. When you're recovering/recovered from an E.D, it can be difficult to distinguish between what is normal emotional eating and what is an E.D-fueled binge.LIFE OUT OF B.E.D
(Content warning: mental health/suicide) Yesterday (October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I'd love to write a post about how I've overcome all of the challenges I've faced in regards to mental health, offering tips on how I did it and gratitude for having come so far. THINGS I ALREADY KNOW I get overwhelmed. It happens to everyone. We live in a hectic world filled with vibrating phones and important work meetings and first dates with strangers we FIVE YEARS | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D Here we are: June 28 th, 2018.I woke up an hour before my alarm this morning – as if my subconscious knew that today was a milestone – and went for a stroll around my neighborhood.WHAT IS B.E.D?
Trigger warning: description of B.E.D and what a binge episode looks/feels like Binge Eating Disorder (abbreviated as "B.E.D") is the most prevalent eating disorder, with an estimated 1-5% of the general population affected. COPING | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering whatAROUND THE TRACK
Trigger warning: Talk of obsession with weight loss exercise. Please do not read if you think this may upset you! On Sunday, I went to a kickboxing class at my gym. HUGE | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D These are the only honest words they can say to you. You smile and thank them and glance at yourself in a mirror, a window, a cell phone screen, but all you see is the sweat piling on your face from beingout on a
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: 2016 I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering what LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: WEAR WHAT YOU WANT Have you ever been going about your day, minding your business, when you are suddenly hit with the realization that you have believedsometh
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: OCTOBER 2015 Emotional eating happens to everyone. When you're recovering/recovered from an E.D, it can be difficult to distinguish between what is normal emotional eating and what is an E.D-fueled binge.LIFE OUT OF B.E.D
(Content warning: mental health/suicide) Yesterday (October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I'd love to write a post about how I've overcome all of the challenges I've faced in regards to mental health, offering tips on how I did it and gratitude for having come so far.LIFE OUT OF B.E.D
(Content warning: mental health/suicide) Yesterday (October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I'd love to write a post about how I've overcome all of the challenges I've faced in regards to mental health, offering tips on how I did it and gratitude for having come so far. THINGS I ALREADY KNOW I get overwhelmed. It happens to everyone. We live in a hectic world filled with vibrating phones and important work meetings and first dates with strangers we FIVE YEARS | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D Here we are: June 28 th, 2018.I woke up an hour before my alarm this morning – as if my subconscious knew that today was a milestone – and went for a stroll around my neighborhood.WEAR WHAT YOU WANT
Then came The Fattening. I gained something like 50 pounds in less than a year. I couldn't fit into clothes from Limited Too like my fellow 2nd graders and ended up shopping in the junior's section at 8years old.
COPING | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering what LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: 2016 I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering what HUGE | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D These are the only honest words they can say to you. You smile and thank them and glance at yourself in a mirror, a window, a cell phone screen, but all you see is the sweat piling on your face from beingout on a
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: 2018 A few weeks ago, the hosts of my favorite podcast (The Read) were talking about important things they've learned in therapy as part of anew segment.
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: JULY 2018 I can't remember a time when I wasn't focused on weight loss from that period to about 21 years old. My doctor would press that I needed to lose weight so I wouldn't get diabetes and have heart issues as an adult - great stuff to tell a 10 year-old, by the way. LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: OCTOBER 2015 Emotional eating happens to everyone. When you're recovering/recovered from an E.D, it can be difficult to distinguish between what is normal emotional eating and what is an E.D-fueled binge.LIFE OUT OF B.E.D
(Content warning: mental health/suicide) Yesterday (October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I'd love to write a post about how I've overcome all of the challenges I've faced in regards to mental health, offering tips on how I did it and gratitude for having come so far. THINGS I ALREADY KNOW I get overwhelmed. It happens to everyone. We live in a hectic world filled with vibrating phones and important work meetings and first dates with strangers we FIVE YEARS | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D Here we are: June 28 th, 2018.I woke up an hour before my alarm this morning – as if my subconscious knew that today was a milestone – and went for a stroll around my neighborhood.WEAR WHAT YOU WANT
Then came The Fattening. I gained something like 50 pounds in less than a year. I couldn't fit into clothes from Limited Too like my fellow 2nd graders and ended up shopping in the junior's section at 8years old.
COPING | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering what LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: 2016 I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering whatLIFE OUT OF B.E.D
(Content warning: mental health/suicide) Yesterday (October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I'd love to write a post about how I've overcome all of the challenges I've faced in regards to mental health, offering tips on how I did it and gratitude for having come so far.LIFE OUT OF B.E.D
(Content warning: mental health/suicide) Yesterday (October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I'd love to write a post about how I've overcome all of the challenges I've faced in regards to mental health, offering tips on how I did it and gratitude for having come so far. THINGS I ALREADY KNOW I get overwhelmed. It happens to everyone. We live in a hectic world filled with vibrating phones and important work meetings and first dates with strangers we FIVE YEARS | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D Here we are: June 28 th, 2018.I woke up an hour before my alarm this morning – as if my subconscious knew that today was a milestone – and went for a stroll around my neighborhood.WEAR WHAT YOU WANT
Then came The Fattening. I gained something like 50 pounds in less than a year. I couldn't fit into clothes from Limited Too like my fellow 2nd graders and ended up shopping in the junior's section at 8years old.
COPING | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering what LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: 2016 I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering what HUGE | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D These are the only honest words they can say to you. You smile and thank them and glance at yourself in a mirror, a window, a cell phone screen, but all you see is the sweat piling on your face from beingout on a
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: 2018 A few weeks ago, the hosts of my favorite podcast (The Read) were talking about important things they've learned in therapy as part of anew segment.
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: JULY 2018 I can't remember a time when I wasn't focused on weight loss from that period to about 21 years old. My doctor would press that I needed to lose weight so I wouldn't get diabetes and have heart issues as an adult - great stuff to tell a 10 year-old, by the way. LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: OCTOBER 2015 Emotional eating happens to everyone. When you're recovering/recovered from an E.D, it can be difficult to distinguish between what is normal emotional eating and what is an E.D-fueled binge.LIFE OUT OF B.E.D
(Content warning: mental health/suicide) Yesterday (October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I'd love to write a post about how I've overcome all of the challenges I've faced in regards to mental health, offering tips on how I did it and gratitude for having come so far. THINGS I ALREADY KNOW I get overwhelmed. It happens to everyone. We live in a hectic world filled with vibrating phones and important work meetings and first dates with strangers we FIVE YEARS | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D Here we are: June 28 th, 2018.I woke up an hour before my alarm this morning – as if my subconscious knew that today was a milestone – and went for a stroll around my neighborhood.WEAR WHAT YOU WANT
Then came The Fattening. I gained something like 50 pounds in less than a year. I couldn't fit into clothes from Limited Too like my fellow 2nd graders and ended up shopping in the junior's section at 8years old.
COPING | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering what LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: 2016 I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering what HUGE | LIFE OUT OF B.E.D These are the only honest words they can say to you. You smile and thank them and glance at yourself in a mirror, a window, a cell phone screen, but all you see is the sweat piling on your face from beingout on a
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: 2018 A few weeks ago, the hosts of my favorite podcast (The Read) were talking about important things they've learned in therapy as part of anew segment.
LIFE OUT OF B.E.D: JULY 2018 I can't remember a time when I wasn't focused on weight loss from that period to about 21 years old. My doctor would press that I needed to lose weight so I wouldn't get diabetes and have heart issues as an adult - great stuff to tell a 10 year-old, by the way.LIFE OUT OF B.E.D
(Content warning: mental health/suicide) Yesterday (October 10th) was World Mental Health Day. I'd love to write a post about how I've overcome all of the challenges I've faced in regards to mental health, offering tips on how I did it and gratitude for having come so far.LIFE OUT OF B.E.D
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Sep
20
ON FORGIVENESS
"Then there's the night, too - lying there and thinking about all the stupid things I've done during the day. And all those hours in between - when I do all those stupid things." _-You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown_ A few weeks ago, the hosts of my favorite podcast (The Read) were talking about important things they've learned in therapy as part of a new segment. This one focused on forgiveness - specifically, forgiving yourself and how difficult it is. The hosts talked about how they have to choose to forgive themselves every day, how some days all they can do is commend themselves for getting through the day and there's always tomorrow to try again. Since I listened to that episode, this topic has been really prominent in my mind. It's something I was definitely told about in therapy myself, but perhaps I wasn't in the mental space for it to land yet. In theory - sure, I could forgive myself for things! In practice? I have continued to beat myself up incessantly for every perceived wrong that I have ever committed, or have even thought tocommit.
This set the stage for a mindset of severe self-hatred that I have fought to overcome. I doubt it's a surprise to anyone who has ever spoken to me for more than two seconds that I am extremely hard on myself, but the extent of it can be alarming. Something really shifted in me when I listened to that episode. It finally clicked that forgiveness doesn't always have to be aimed at someone other than yourself, and I feel that I'm finally in a place where I can consistently choose to forgive myself. Examples of the types of things I reflect on as I get ready for bed: I forgive myself for saying "like" too many times in a conversationwith someone.
I forgive myself for getting frustrated at a work email and responding while I was in that zone. I forgive myself for being too exhausted to workout. I forgive myself for leaving the family/friend gathering early because I needed time to myself. I forgive myself for not finishing my to-do list. I thought it would feel counter-intuitive and difficult to think this way but, as I mentioned, something really shifted in me. I have a feeling it might even be permanent. What good does it do for me to linger on my shortcomings and failures? It's not like I'm ever going to be someone who _isn't _focused on self-improvement, who_ isn't_ going to learn from their mistakes - its ingrained into my being. So why push so hard? With this shift has also come a true acceptance with the fact that I am not, and never will be, perfect. A simple statement, but a huge accomplishment for me. In the past, I would punish myself for the most human things (as can be inferred from the list above). It’s always been pressed upon me that I can be & do anything I set my mind to. I’m incredibly lucky to have been raised in an environment overflowing with love & support. However, as I tend to do to myself, I took it overboard. At some point I decided that if I wasn’t living up to the unrealistic expectations I set for myself, I was a bad person. And, as a bad person, I didn’t deserve this love, support, & praise that was constantly bestowed upon me. I set myself up for a deep unhappiness, one that was festering and lingering underneath the surface of the work I did in E.D therapy. I wrote it off as not having the E.D coping mechanism anymore, but I realize now that it was more than that. I never addressed the self-hatred at its core. That’s what I’m trying to do now. This time of year is a challenge for me. I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder – commonly referred to as seasonal depression – in late 2016. As the days have increasingly less sunlight, I find myself fading in a variety of ways. I will say that while I’m definitely feeling the fade this year, it’s less so; because instead of hating myself for feeling this way, I forgive. I very much do not have all of this figured out. It's a process, one that I'll deal with my entire life. Isn't that sort of what life is about, anyway? Figuring out who you are, how you fit in, and how to cope? I know that it'd be a pretty boring life if I knew the answers to everything already. That doesn't stop me from wanting to, though, and being frustrated when I don't know. I'll forgive myself for that, too. Posted 20th September 2018 by Unknown0
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Jul
30
HOW MUCH OF HUMAN LIFE IS LOST IN ING? (Quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, with the last word changed ever socleverly)
I almost started off this post with, "I have struggled with my weight since I was eight years old." But referring to it as a "struggle"feels wrong now.
Let me back up.
Puberty is a universal bitch. A quick Google search tells me that people with vaginas tend to go through puberty between the ages of 8-13, so I shouldn't feel weird for stating that it started for me when I was 8. It does feel strange though; 2nd grade seems awfully young to start growing boobs. But I did. I also gained a lot of weight very quickly, which I now refer to as The Fattening. With no change (that I recall) to my eating/activity habits, in less than two years I went from this:To this:
I can't remember a time when I wasn't focused on weight loss from that period to about 21 years old. My doctor would press that I needed to lose weight so I wouldn't get diabetes and have heart issues as an adult - great stuff to tell a 10 year-old, by the way. Kids would call me an elephant (funnily enough, they are now my favorite animal, but those kids didn't mean it as a compliment). I had to shop in the juniors or ladies department while my friends shared clothes or went to Limited Too. I didn't fit into the pretty costumes in my high school's theatre department and had to get mine custom made, tailored, or from the ugly section of the closet. I went to film school and my teachers would encourage the crash diets I went on. Between personal trainers, gyms, magazine articles, videos, Wii games, and word-of-mouth, there was always a new diet or a exercise routine for me to try. I was convinced, as so many people are, that everything I wanted would happen for me, that I would be happy, if I could just lose the weight. Sometimes I'd succeed, but it always came back withinterest.
Then, the most amazing thing happened to me during E.D recovery. I had the realization that weight doesn't matter.I repeat:
Weight.
DOESN'T.
MATTER!!!
Weight doesn't matter. I could get into the ~*science*~ aspects discussing that BMI is a terrible indicator of health and people carry weight differently and all that jazz. But what's important is this: you are worthy of love, happiness, and success at any size. Do you believe that, really?I do.
I'd love to tell you that I had this realization after completing some amazing mental health work and standing alone on a mountaintop at sunset or something else cinematic. But I won't lie: for me, that realization didn't fully come until my first adulthood romance. I told myself that I had to make up for my fatness by being everything else a partner could want: funny, optimistic, always up for an adventure, an overall "cool" girl. Only then could someone possibly look past my gross exterior and love me. Imagine my utter shock when I learned that someone I was seeing approached me more based on how I looked! It sounds lame and I do slightly cringe at that, but that's how it was for me. I needed that affirmation. More importantly, though, I needed to let myself be free of the perceived burden of my weight. Once it became clear that yes indeed, people will find me attractive regardless of my weight, the less shallow pieces clicked into place. I realized that I had all of these incredible friends in my life who were supportive and wanted to be around me; I had co-workers who valued my views; I had family who loved me. None of these people were influenced by my weight. It didn't register for me that I had been subconsciously assuming that I was worth less than others - and when it did click, I was horrified and banished that assumption. So let's return back to the first sentence of this blog post: the idea that weight is something to struggle with. I get it, I really do. While it is changing, slowly but surely, we still live in a society that leans towards the praising one type of body and the shaming of another. It can feel like a struggle to get weight "under control" or to a place that is deemed acceptable. But I don't see it as a struggle anymore, because 99% of the time, I could not give a single, solitary fart about my weight (I really wanted to use an F-bomb but I am really far too vulgar in my day-to-day life, so please know that I laughed for a solid minute about using "fart" instead). It doesn't have tobe a struggle.
People can be incredibly, needlessly cruel; I tend to forget that nowadays as I have weeded out these types of people from my life and surround myself with love & support. However, I only need to take a few moments down memory lane to recall how I was treated for having a large body in adolescence. I remember feeling so worthless and trapped within myself all the time. Yet, I don't regret or feel any animosity towards what I went through. It has gifted me with kindness, compassion, and acceptance for all people. Weight doesn't matter. Posted 30th July 2018 by Unknown0
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Jun
28
FIVE YEARS
June 28th, 2013 saw me following through with a huge, life-altering decision that I made about a month earlier: to leave my dreams of being an actress in NYC behind, and move back to Colorado to seek treatment for my eating disorder. I took a quick trip down memory lane this morning, through a few old blog posts from that time. What strikes me most is how truly unwell I was. For the most part, I don’t recognize the person who wrote those posts. There are glimpses of things that I continue to work on – feeling like a burden, trying ridiculously hard to show people that I care, and the uncertainty that I’m even a good person at all - but my God am I thousands of miles from where I was, in a literal andfigurative sense.
I remember being scared, but sure that I was doing the right thing. I pretended on the outside that I would return one day, but knew internally that the only time I would set foot back into the city would be for brief visits. I feel bad about that. In the past five years, I’ve gained an incredible support system, strengthened existing friendships, and made a ton of new friends back in Colorado. I’ve also completely lost touch with the friends I made in NYC and have often wondered if this was a subconscious way to sever myself from the unwell person I was while I was there (if any of you read this – I truly am sorry for fading away the way I did, and I think about you often and hope you’re well). Within a week of moving back, I had my first appointment with the therapist I saw for a little over a year. Once a week for the first 6-8 months, then every other week, until I felt that I had gotten what I needed from that experience. I also saw a dietitian, I think monthly, during that time. I won’t go into the gritty details of those experiences – although my inbox is of course always open if anyone reading has questions – but needless to say, it was intense. However, I am immensely privileged in that, during that time, I didn’t have to focus on anything else other than getting better. My incredibly supportive parents covered the costs that insurance wouldn’t cover, and for the first few months of being back, I didn’t work or pay rent while I lived with my also incredibly supportive aunt. When I share my story, I always emphasize these points, because it’s extremely rare for people going through this process to have the privileges that I had. Anyway, that whole journey is for another post. Here we are: June 28th, 2018. I woke up an hour before my alarm this morning – as if my subconscious knew that today was a milestone – and went for a stroll around my neighborhood. I opened Facebook and there was the memory reminding me that this was the day I attempted to get on a plane and leave (my mom & I didn’t make the flight and I had a meltdown in the airport and it was a whole Thing). Soon I will head to my big girl corporate job, doing interesting work for a great company. Later today, I am serving as a panelist for a video marketing event. Tonight, I’ll go home to a cute apartment in an area I love and perhaps grab a quick celebratory drink before settling in for the end of another typical day. Five years ago I probably would have been appalled at how “boring” my life is. Looking back now, I am appalled at how empty and meaningless life felt. My mental health is far from perfect. In recovering from B.E.D, I lost the coping mechanism I used for 13 years, and that's traumatizing in its own way. I deal with anxiety daily. I will always need to carefully monitor myself when it comes to food & exercise, making sure that I am eating things and keeping active for healthy reasons. I also continue to monitor my reactions to people commenting on my body (again, this requires another post, but as a quick tip: please don’t comment on my body, even if it is coming from a good place). I have some digestive issues that I can’t help but think are attributed to the abuse I put on my system for so long. I still struggle to find joy at times and am currently dealing with some other life changes thatare stressful.
But there are also things I no longer struggle with. I could give two shits about how many calories were in the food I ate for breakfast today. I get ready in 10-15 minutes in the morning because I’m not spending an additional hour posing my body in every possible manner to make sure that it looks as acceptable as I feel it should. I eat what I want, when I want – sometimes too much and sometimes too fast, but I am able to easily forgive myself when that happens. My self-worth is not based on how many steps I took that day, or how many minutes of exercise I got. I no longer lie to friends and family about how I’m feeling, afraid of looking weak. I have accepted that life is a journey, that I’m never going to be perfect, and that that’s kind of amazing. I look forward to where I am in the next five years.Until then…
Posted 28th June 2018 by Unknown0
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Jun
15
WEAR WHAT YOU WANT
Have you ever been going about your day, minding your business, when you are suddenly hit with the realization that you have believed something for most of your life that is absolutely untrue? Post-E.D., this happens to me fairly often. And every time, it's just as jarring - discovering another sharp edge of a soul that was shattered by unhealthy thoughts & behaviors for so long. This realization happens to be about something that seems surface level on the... well, surface. Here's the thought: the clothes you wear should be flattering to yourbody type.
At first glance, I'm sure that doesn't seem to be a damaging thought. I have found, however, that for me, it is very damaging. Let me provide some context. I can only vaguely remember the few years of my life when I was considered thin. Not because I'm traumatized or anything, but because I was so young - basically age 0-7. What do I remember about those years? I remember trading Pokémon cards at recess with classmates. I remember mixing blue and yellow-colored water to make green in kindergarten. I remember going to the hair salon for my 6th (I think?) birthday with my neighbor friends. I remember wearing flowery dresses for every special occasion. (Yes, I was a ridiculously cute child.) One thing I can't remember for the life of me is ever feeling self-conscious about my body, or choosing my clothes based on anything other than them having bright colors and flowers on them. Then came The Fattening. I gained something like 50 pounds in less than a year. I couldn't fit into clothes from Limited Too like my fellow 2nd graders and ended up shopping in the junior's section at 8years old.
And all of the sudden, my wardrobe became flow-y shirts and empire waists, dress pants with elastic in them, bootcut jeans with high waists that I could hitch up over my stomach. My friends wore spaghetti straps, I wore flutter sleeves. Of course, I did try to fit in with the fashion of my peers. But it simply didn't look good on me. Or at least that's what I was lead to believe. Bikinis were out of the question, it was swim skirts and full-coverage tops for me. Seventeen Magazine told me to avoid horizontal stripes because they would draw attention to my wide body - try vertical ones instead to lengthen and draw the eye away! Draw the eye away, as if my body was something so disgusting that I needed to make sure nobody was looking too closely. Maybe you've read similar tips in a magazine or article recently and see nothing wrong with it. I would invite you to think about sharing those tips with a12 year-old.
It was several months ago that I had the realization of just how damaging this "advice" was to me. I was trying on a dress from Le Tote that was a little tight around my stomach despite my control-top tights. I was running late for the day, so I said "Screw it" and wore it anyway. A co-worker complimented the dress and, being the self-deprecating jokester that I am, I responded with something like "Haha thanks, it's definitely not what my body type should be wearing but I'm doing it anyway!" To which they responded with a cocked head and a "What do you mean?" (The dress in question.) And that's when I realized, all of that stuff about "dressing for your body type" is total crap. I think I responded to my co-worker's comment with a "You know what, you're right!" or something similar before continuing on my way back to my desk and promptly having a slight existential crisis. What if I rejected the idea that I can't wear certain things because my body is a certain size and shape? What would happen if I stopped hiding behind loose clothing and allowed the occasional roll to show up and say hello? I'm certainly not perfect. The photos posted here have all been pretty perfectly posed so that my body looks the smallest it can. I can't undo nearly 20 years of body negativity in a few months. But I'mon my way.
I actually remember when I bought that blue shirt in the photo above. It was probably 3-4 years ago. I got it at a Marshall's because I needed a new workout shirt (read: my workout shirts were all dirty and I didn't want to do laundry so of course purchasing a new one was the only viable option), and I felt horrible the first time I wore it. It's very clingy and doesn't hide my body at all. I kept it around as a motivator to lose weight. Except it wasn't motivating, it was punishing, because we as a society are so deeply rooted in this sense that any visible body fat is disgusting that it's nearly impossible toescape that.
I'm happy to report that I've worn that shirt a few times in the past year, and each time, it gets easier. Each time, I care less that I have a body with fat on it, and that the shirt reflects that. Last summer, while in the midst of an emotionally devastating breakup and dealing with some digestive health issues that left me pretty much constantly bloated, I went to a concert wearing only a tank top tucked into some jean shorts. I remember sitting at the concert and wanting to stand up because I could feel my stomach folding over the shorts unless I was sitting stock-straight. And then there came a moment when the music was playing and I was enjoying myself and I realized that I was free to exist as I was in that moment, that my clothes had nothing to do with how good or bad I felt, or how worthy I was of feeling good or bad. I didn't realize that I had been missing that feeling until Ifinally felt it.
Perhaps the outfit wasn't "flattering" - 2006-era Seventeen magazine would probably tell me to wear high-waisted shorts to create more of an hourglass figure, choose a looser top with sleeve details to hide my arms, and wear a heel to elongate & tone my legs. But I felt good. I felt confident. I felt like myself. The fact that I could feel this way when I was at a pretty low point emotionally spoke volumes, and I realized that this was a feeling that could potentially bepermanent!
This topic has been on my mind a lot lately with summer's arrival. Luckily, I don't have cable and don't read magazines or fitness blogs, so I haven't seen a whole lot of "GET READY FOR YOUR BIKINI BODY OR HIDE IN A HOLE FOREVER" advertising, but my God do I remember the feeling this time of year used to bring. So if you are still reading this, I hope that you know that you already have a bikini body, a summer-ready body, whatever you want to call it. You can wear a maxi dress or skinny jeans or a crop top. You don't have to perfectly tailor your fashion choices in order to make your body appear "appealing". Your body is not a thing to be hidden. It's yours, and yours alone, and I hope you can find peace andcelebrate it.
Look, a bikini body. Posted 15th June 2018 by Unknown0
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May
31
COPING
I am sitting at a desk greeting co-workers and smiling, asking about their weekend, telling about mine, smiling, laughing; never letting on that just a few hours ago I was on the train and there came the panic, for no reason other than my tummy rumbling a bit, and the Xanax wasn’t going to kick in immediately, so I got off on a random stop and wandered for a few minutes, wondering what comfort I was seeking, only to get on another train to ride back the two stops and get in my car and drive to the gym, as the meds kicked in and I became muted. I tell myself that it’s okay to need this right now. I don’t need to feel ashamed or frustrated for taking medication that was prescribed to me for the precise reason that I take it. Yet I can’t silence that nagging voice telling me that I am weak. And then also. Fourteen years. My mind was unwell for fourteen years. I’m no longer in a place where I feel that I’ve lost a good, if horribly abusive, friend, but there is still a sense of emptiness. I read somewhere that after a breakup, it takes a third of the time you were with the person to fully move on from them. I am not known for getting over things quickly. It will very likely take years for me to get to a place where I don’t need medication, if I ever get there at all. I’m trying to be okay with that. But I want to fill the empty space with the types of experiences and relationships that my illness withheld from me. I want to feel things fully - something I couldn’t do before. I don't feel that I can do this while also taking anti-anxiety medication. The current prescription isn't so bad; I still feel like myself for the most part. I feel like a TV with the color settings _just_ off - not enough that a casual watcher would notice, but enough that when you stare hard enough you realize that the greens are faded like the leaves in latesummer.
I don't want to be faded or muted. I know I should have patience as I continue to heal, but what an amazing thing to be free! Sometimes days, even a week or two, go by when my anxiety is kept at bay and I don't need to take anything. But when it returns, so do I to the medicine cabinet, filling my little container that I take with me everywhere like a talisman, a security blanket. It's okay. I don't know if this will be forever. Either way, it'sokay. I'm okay.
Posted 31st May 2016 by Unknown0
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Apr
14
A SENSE OF LOSS
_Trigger warning: Descriptions of depression & binge eating._ There are days where I look back on my years in New York City with a certain, humorous distaste. I recall the dirty streets, the smelly subway cars, the blisteringly humid summers and the chilling cold winters. I look forward to driving home unharassed in an a weatherproof car without mace in one hand and a cubaton in the other. My rent does not wipe out 60% of my income. More often than not, though, I find myself thinking of New York with a longing so severe that it causes a sort of pain I’ve come to associate with the loss of an important relationship. My lower belly pangs and the area around my heart seems to recede into itself. My mind takes a journey down a seemingly never-ending path of remembered places, experiences, and feelings: The Italian bakery around the corner from my apartment in Astoria, with its daily cluster of old men and ladies hanging around outside, as they have done every day for forty years. Walks down Montague Street while marveling at the wealth of the Brooklyn Heights residents. Breakfasts at Clark’s and Mini Star after a night of drinking. The dull pang of walking by the site where the Twin Towers once stood. Endless food trucks. Wandering around Lincoln Center to people-watch and read before seeing a movie. Running along Riverside Park. The drummers at the 14th Street station. Sitting at the Astoria sculpture park when I needed inspiration and staring out over the upper Manhattan skyline, feeling that I hadfinally made it.
And so the intrusive thoughts begin. What if I had tried just a little harder to make things work? Why was I so weak? How could I have donebetter?
I feel that it’s important to share these moments because I need to remember that they happened. I need to remind myself that they can’t be taken from me. The thing is, NYC is an oft-romanticized place. It’s wonderfully strange how even when you know what it’s really like there, when you know why you had to leave - you can still convince yourself somehow that it went differently. It’s a place that stays with you. But the fact is that I was very ill, and after I left school, I became horrifically depressed. My days were quite sad and pathetic. I would sleep until the early afternoon, setting an alarm to allow just enough time to get ready for my waitressing job. I’d work until past midnight, wait until the train finally came, and stop over at Duane Reade to grab some Ben & Jerry’s, chips, and whatever other binge food I was craving. Then I’d head to my apartment, change into the same sweatpants/t-shirt combo I had been wearing all week, throw something random on Netflix, and devour the food until I felt like my stomach would explode. Around 5 or 6am I would drift off to sleep. The 10-12 hours of sleep were my favorite part of the day - a chance to be released from what felt like a meaningless existence, where each day offered nothing but another opportunity for me to disappoint myself. Every day I was sent audition postings via the various sites I had signed up with. And every day I would browse them, seeing casting calls that called for sexy young women, willing to declothe for an unpaid, student film. Occasionally something would come along that fit my abilities, type, and acting goals, and I’d stare at the screen, my hand hovering over my laptop’s touchpad, just one small movement away from pressing “submit”. But then I’d remember that I was worthless and ugly and untalented, so what was the point? Back to sleep I’d go. My dreams were just outside the door, but I barely had the will to continue living, much less step outside into a frightening world of vulnerability and rejection. I could go on and on about how unwell I was, but frankly, I have grown tired of talking about it. Besides, it’s easy to begin almost missing the predictability of my illness. I don’t need to go down that road - I just need the reminder that there was a reason I left the city I loved so much. I try not to regret my time there - I sit at home, or on the train, or in my car, or at my desk at work, and force the l thoughts out of my head. I learned so much, I never could have gotten where I am today if I hadn’t gone, I was brave enough to pursue my dreams, I learned so much… becomes a silent mantra, as steady and obnoxious as a leaking sink. I’m saddened by the fact that I made my home not in the lovely Astoria apartment, or the friends I made, or even the endless things I learned - I made my home, instead, in a chasm ofself-hatred.
Now, I work in another city that I love, another bustling metropolitan cluster of buildings and bodies. It’s not quite the same. Downtown Denver is a nicer place, in many senses of the word. It’s different than New York in more ways than it is similar, for sure. But some mornings, when I sit down at my desk at my sort-of big-girl job after taking a train to a bus to a street, I can’t help but think that the Italian bakery is down the street, or I can mozy on over to Lincoln Center over my lunch. My chest starts to tighten and my breath quickens as I wonder if I have strength enough for this city, or if I will fall into old habits. I’m optimistic, though. The sun shines much more brightly here, and I have grown. Which I wouldn’t have been able to do had I not lived in that chasm for so long.It’s complicated.
Posted 14th April 2016 by Unknown0
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Oct
13
A THING THAT HAPPENED _Trigger warning: Binge eating._ A few weeks ago, I was in the shower (where all great epiphanies happen) and realized that it had been months since I'd had a disordered thought. I was taken aback by this revelation - I literally stopped sudsing my hair, dropped my hands to my side, and uttered, "Dang." I continued to ponder for a bit and checked in with myself about how I felt. Did I miss my E.D like I did when I first started to get better? Was thinking about its absence triggeringt? Did my brain start spiraling down into a "don't fuck it up now" mindset? The answers to all of those questions were a resounding "no". It's like a switch was flipped at some point this year where I was suddenly together as a person and didn't need the disorder anymore. I said for the first time that I hesitantly considered myself recovered fromB.E.D.
Like clockwork, today a thing happened. There's a great bakery down the street from where I work. I've stopped in a few times to grab a cupcake or cookie for the office, or for myself if I wanted something sweet after work. Well, today I got a frustrating phone call that cut into my lunch hour, so I was super stressed out and anxious as I left for a now shortened lunch. The idea popped into my head that a red velvet cookie from the bakery would be good right now. So I went in, got three cookies and a cupcake, and promptly demolished them on the drive to my house. As I was polishing off the last cookie, I said, "Wait, what just happened?" The cookies and cupcake definitely tasted good, but I didn't feel good inside, and I realized that I really didn't want them. Instead of panicking and labeling this "HUGE B.E.D RELAPSE RED ALERT" as I probably would have six months ago, the following thoughtprocess happened:
* I thought that the food would make me feel better, but it didn't. * What am I really upset about? ** I'll be okay.
* Oh also my period starts later this week lolz And that was it. I went straight to what was really going on in my brain, analyzed it, and let it go. It's like I have a healthy mind orsomething.
Emotional eating happens to everyone. When you're recovering/recovered from an E.D, it can be difficult to distinguish between what is normal emotional eating and what is an E.D-fueled binge. It feels really great to be at a point where I know that this little thing was just a thing that happened, and has no impact on my worthiness as a person, and does not invalidate my recovery. It feels amazing to be able to be so honest and open with myself. And do it with a smile :) Posted 13th October 2015 by Unknown0
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Sep
27
AN EXPERIMENT IN MINDFUL EATING It's been a minute since I've posted on this blog. Truthfully, I haven't had much to say. I've been continuing to exercise and semi-watch what I eat - I have to be careful to not over or under restrict my diet/exercise habits. I haven't lost very much weight, but I'm down about 6" overall. I'm making veeerry slow progress, which is frustrating, but I know that it's best for my psyche to continue this journey without any shortcuts. If I'm honest with myself, though, there is something that has always held me back from the healthy body I want: how quickly I eat. I've always been slightly embarrassed at the fact that my plate is clean 5-10 minutes before my friends' and family's (with the exception of my dad and brother, who share my rapid eating habit). I've written it off as something I can't help. But the other day, I had to be honest with myself. I believe that how quickly I eat explains two main issues that I have been having: constant bloating and stalled weightloss.
The constant bloating is pretty obvious - When I am (unintentionally) shoveling down meals in 3-5 minutes, of course my stomach is going to be overloaded. Add in the 10-20 ounces of water I usually drink, and my poor belly can't handle all of that stuff in such a short amount of time. Supposedly it takes 20 minutes for your tummy to tell your brain that you're full. It's no wonder that 20 minutes after I finish eating, I often feel like I swallowed a brick. The bloating lasts for days, exacerbated by more meals eaten at top-speed, and then I'll sleep in late one day or forget to eat a mealand feel better.
Stalled weight loss, though, is something I hadn't really thought of until recently. Every time I've tried losing weight in a healthy way, I stall after about 20 pounds lost. I can't help but wonder if I'm eating more than I really need to be. As I stated before, I don't give myself enough time to feel full. I usually eat breakfast and snacks at work, mindlessly, but for lunch and dinner I usually have plenty of time to relax and enjoy my meal. I have loosely adhered to intuitive eating since beginning B.E.D recovery, but I haven't been adhering to one of the principals: DISCOVER THE SATISFACTION FACTOR. That's not to say that I've never felt satisfied and content with a meal, just that I rarely give myself the _time _to do so. Tonight, I decided to try eating my dinner mindfully & consciously. I had some roasted red pepper pasta sauce with whole grain pasta and a glass of wine for dinner. I prepared the pasta without snacking on anything, or drinking any water. I put some music on my phone, set it to "Do Not Disturb", and put it aside. I lit a candle. In between each bite of food, I put my fork down and had a drink of water or sip of wine.So how was it?
Odd. I noticed that my hands and mouth seemed to always need to be busy - I was constantly reaching for my water and/or wine, so that they had something to do. I don't know that I enjoyed my meal more than I usually would have, because I was so self-conscious... Despite being alone in my place. I'm sure that my rapid eating has a lot to do with the small remnants of B.E.D, and it's uncomfortable for me to examine them. If I want to be better, though, I need to tackle thislast little bit.
I sat down to my meal at 6:25pm, and finished at 6:35pm. I estimate that, eating the way I usually do, eating this plate of pasta would normally have taken less than three minutes. I don't feel bloated, and I feel perfectly satisfied. I'd say that's a success. Now I need to work on making this experience more enjoyable for myself, and delve into the strange feelings that continue to arise when I make an effort to eat normally. Posted 27th September 2015 by Unknown0
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Jun
8
FITNESS VS. RECOVERY _Trigger warning: Discussion of weight loss tactics and some unhealthy E.D thoughts about my body._I want to be fit.
I want to be the woman who climbs 14'ers and runs 5ks on the weekends, who signs up for Spartan Races and goes to boot camp classes at the gym, whose idea of a fun date is tackling the new rock climbing wall at the rec center. I want to be the woman who doesn't flinch at the idea of a physical challenge. The question, though, is whether or not this desire is fueled by healthy thoughts. It's a grey space that I've been living in for aboutfour years now.
On one hand, fitness is something that I feel I have been robbed of. I place the blame equally on B.E.D and my own actions. I rarely get more than halfway to even achieving my personal goals, and in the past, I've been on the stereotypical "fat to fit to fail" cycle: Step One: Get tired of the way I look/feel and decide to do somethingabout it.
Step Two: Read up on good workouts to do and plan healthy meals. Step Three: Relish in the healthy grocery shopping and endorphins fromthe gym.
Step Four: Begin to get bored. Step Five: Gradually stop going to the gym and indulge in moreunhealthy food.
Step Six: Start gaining weight and become completely discouraged. Step Seven: Rinse and repeat. This is no news to anyone who has struggled with their weight. It's a frustrating cycle, and for me, I've always been self-aware enough to know that it's happening - which makes it all the more frustrating! I'll get to the gym during step four and be like, "Come on Anna, don't lose your motivation like always - just push through it!" But then I inevitably can't and fall back into my little hole. And I can't blame B.E.D 100% for this one. I take responsibility for not holding myself accountable. People who aren't worried about relapsing back into E.D-behaviors encourage me to just suck it up and push harder. The problem lies in not knowing how hard is too hard in regards to my semi-dormant E.D. Am I forcing myself to run harder because I want to have more cardiovascular endurance, or because I want an excuse to eat ten cookies later? Am I choosing roasted veggies over mashed potatoes because I am actively making healthier choices in my life, or because I don't feel that I'm allowed mashed potatoes? Am I upping my weights at the gym because I want to be stronger, or because I want my body to hurt from soreness as punishment for being too large? It's all a confusing, wishy-washy grey area, because recovery often seems to be the opposite of fitness - or, rather, the opposite of what fitness culture tells us is right. Recovery is joining in on the impromptu pizza party at work without sitting down and reworking your meal plan to incorporate macros correctly. Recovery is enjoying a movie with some pretzel M&Ms. Recovery is cake at parties and joining your friend for a beer after work. The key, I know, is always moderation. However, both the E.D recovery community and the fitness community, both of which I am a part of, don't really allow for moderation. On the E.D recovery side, we have "SELF-CARE BATHS MASSAGES EAT YOUR HEART OUT DON'T BE AFRAID OF ICE CREAM". On the fitness side, we have "PROTEIN SHAKE DON'T LOSE YOUR GAINS SAY NO TO THAT BEER THE GYM IS A PRIORITY". It's hard to find a middle ground when the support networks are on such extremes. I don't know. I still haven't decided if choosing to go down a more weight-loss/fitness oriented path is the smartest thing for me right now. I'm figuring this out as I go along. Posted 8th June 2015 by Unknown0
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Mar
24
HUGE
_“You have such a pretty face!”__
_
These are the only honest words they can say to you. You smile and thank them and glance at yourself in a mirror, a window, a cell phone screen, but all you see is the sweat piling on your face from being out on a hot day. Walking around while being fat is a lot of work. You excuse yourself to somewhere private where you can mop yourself up. _“If you want to lose weight, you should eat healthier!”__
_
Sunday. You Google some healthy, easy recipes and get motivated. You go to the grocery store. $50. Your friend invites you out for a drink, but you decline – you have meals to prepare for the week, and you don’t need those extra calories anyway. Monday. Your lunch is okay, but you didn’t get the seasoning quite right. You leap out the door at 5 and heat up dinner when you get home. Tuesday. Same lunch. You stroll out the door at 5 and have the same dinner. This is easy! Wednesday. You’re getting bored. You go out for lunch today and see a thin person order a salad, so you order a salad. $10. You walk out the door at 5 and remember that bland dinner waiting for you at home, which you eat with glazed eyes. Thursday. You can’t stand to chew one more under-seasoned vegetable, but you do, because you should. You plod out the door at 5 and decide to make something new for dinner tonight. You don’t eat until 7:30, and by the time the dishes are finished and put away it’s 8:00. Just enough time to pack lunch for tomorrow. Friday. The boss buys the office lunch, you silently praising whatever god let this happen today. You trudge out the door at 5, exhausted after a full week’s work. You make mac & cheese for dinner. Saturday. You’d love to go out, but you spent $10 on agoddamn salad.
_“You should go to the gym!”__
_
$43 per month for your membership, so you’d better get thereoften.
Two choices.
First choice: The morning. The night before: lay out your gym clothes, pack your work bag, pack your gym bag with work clothes, makeup bag, and shower necessities. 5am. Wake up, brush your teeth in a half-awake state, pull on your gym clothes. Remember to eat a balanced breakfast, that’s what they all say. 6am. Get to the gym and put away your stuff. You don’t want to look stupid and wander around, so you get on a machine where you can observe the weight room for a half hour. You step into the weight room and pick up a few small weights, hiding away in the most remote area. Why are there mirrors everywhere? 7am. Head down to the showers and attempt to close the gym towel around yourself. What are you going to show today, your behind or your front? The towel can only cover one. Choose a remote corner of the locker room or hide in a bathroom stall to change while other women walk around in the nude without a care. You shouldn’t share your size with the world. 7:45am. Get on your way to work, still sweating from that hair dryer. Second choice: The evening. 5pm. You’re exhausted from work, but you made a commitment. 5:30pm. You get to the locker room and find an empty stall where you can tug on your gym clothes. Your compression pants are too small in the waist, so you get to choose between camel toe and muffin top. Your sports bra is too tight and leaves red marks. Your sweat-wicking shirt shows every lump and bump, attracting stares. How dare you be fat in public? 5:40pm. Attempt to find a machine in the crowded rush time. The signs say to keep your time to 30 minutes, so you do. No weights today, there’s too many people around and you don’t want to be that fat person who doesn’t know what they’re doing. 6:30pm. Get in your car to head home. Your stomach is rumbling. At least you’ve got that meal that you prepared on Sunday to look forward to._
_
_“You would feel better if you wore clothes that fit!”__
_
Plus-sized sports bra: $50. Plus-sized sweat-wicking shirt: $45. Plus-sized active jacket: $70. Plus-sized compression pants: $35. One gym outfit costs $200. Don’t even get started on jeans. You can choose between jeans that shred between your thighs in a few months for $40, or jeans that last longer but cost at least $200. _“You’re just making excuses.”__
_
You are huge, and this society makes sure you stay that way by keeping you in your stigmatized corner. If you'd like to no longer be huge, you'd better have loads of money, oodles of time, infinite self-esteem, and perfect mental health. You have such a pretty face, but don’t you dare let that trick you into thinking that you are worthwhile. Posted 24th March 2015 by Unknown0
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