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WAITER RANT
My Birthday. Again. by waiter | Jun 1, 2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”. DESERVE’S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Channeling Clint Eastwood, I lanced the man with my thousand-yard stare and said, “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.”. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” I said, turning back to my sandwich. “I’ve only got a few minutes for lunch. Have a nice day.”. I listened to man’s clothes rustle as he slid off his stool, the echoof his
50 SIGNS YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAD RESTAURANT Anyone who’s ever waited tables knows how hard it is to transition from one restaurant job to another. To help make the process a little smoother I’ve compiled a list of warning signs to help waiters avoid working in dysfunctional shitholes. 1) They hire you the moment you say, “I’m looking for a WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in the ONE HUNDRED THINGS RESTAURANT STAFFERS SHOULD NEVER DO There was an entry in today’s “You’re the Boss” blog on the New York Times website entitled “One Hundred Things Restaurant Staffers should never do. (Part 1).” Oh man, I just had this rip a new one. My responses are in italics. ONE HUNDRED THINGS RESTAURANT STAFFERS SHOULD NEVER DO By BRUCE BUSCHEL Herewith is aGUEST WAITER
This submission came from Tim – a guy who bussed, hosted, and waited tables at the Jersey Shore. All the chafing from the sand in his shorts must have sent him over the edge! Thanks for sharing Tim! Ten Amazingly Ignorant Customer Quotes While most restaurant patrons are a pleasure to serve, encounters with rude SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Seduction. Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.”. “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up herhand.
CRAZY SEXY - WAITER RANT I need to refill my Lipitor prescription so I walk into the local Rite Aid with Ann in tow. “I’ll check my blood pressure while you’re waiting,” Ann says. Ann’s blood pressure is perfect, but she has a strange fetish. She likes the crushing feeling of a blood pressure cuff on her arm. She also AMPUTEE - WAITER RANT A new two top is seated in my section. The girl is pretty. The boy is tall and quiet. They look young. If they order alcohol I’ll have to see ID. I pat my breast pocket to make sure I have my reading glasses. I need them to read the small print of a license.WAITER RANT
My Birthday. Again. by waiter | Jun 1, 2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”. DESERVE’S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Channeling Clint Eastwood, I lanced the man with my thousand-yard stare and said, “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.”. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” I said, turning back to my sandwich. “I’ve only got a few minutes for lunch. Have a nice day.”. I listened to man’s clothes rustle as he slid off his stool, the echoof his
50 SIGNS YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAD RESTAURANT Anyone who’s ever waited tables knows how hard it is to transition from one restaurant job to another. To help make the process a little smoother I’ve compiled a list of warning signs to help waiters avoid working in dysfunctional shitholes. 1) They hire you the moment you say, “I’m looking for a WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in the ONE HUNDRED THINGS RESTAURANT STAFFERS SHOULD NEVER DO There was an entry in today’s “You’re the Boss” blog on the New York Times website entitled “One Hundred Things Restaurant Staffers should never do. (Part 1).” Oh man, I just had this rip a new one. My responses are in italics. ONE HUNDRED THINGS RESTAURANT STAFFERS SHOULD NEVER DO By BRUCE BUSCHEL Herewith is aGUEST WAITER
This submission came from Tim – a guy who bussed, hosted, and waited tables at the Jersey Shore. All the chafing from the sand in his shorts must have sent him over the edge! Thanks for sharing Tim! Ten Amazingly Ignorant Customer Quotes While most restaurant patrons are a pleasure to serve, encounters with rude SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Seduction. Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.”. “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up herhand.
CRAZY SEXY - WAITER RANT I need to refill my Lipitor prescription so I walk into the local Rite Aid with Ann in tow. “I’ll check my blood pressure while you’re waiting,” Ann says. Ann’s blood pressure is perfect, but she has a strange fetish. She likes the crushing feeling of a blood pressure cuff on her arm. She also AMPUTEE - WAITER RANT A new two top is seated in my section. The girl is pretty. The boy is tall and quiet. They look young. If they order alcohol I’ll have to see ID. I pat my breast pocket to make sure I have my reading glasses. I need them to read the small print of a license.WAITER RANT
Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a SLOW DOWN - WAITER RANT “Steve,” my boss said over the telephone, “Can you come down to my office for a minute?” “Sure thing,” I said, wondering what was up. My boss is a “hands off” type of supervisor. As long as I get my job done, he stays out of my hair – a blessing after years ofdealing
TAKE YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM YOUR EYES That’s not easy, but we have to try. One day my love, you will overcome by sorrow and despair but, when you stop crying and take your hands away from your eyes, there will always be something beautiful to see. Never stop looking for rainbows and fireflies – for sunsets, music, poetry, art, and, perhaps one day, the smile on your own childWAITER RANT
In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses, row on row, That mark our place; and in the sky The larks, still bravely singing, fly Scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the Dead. Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, Loved and were ONE HUNDRED THINGS RESTAURANT STAFFERS SHOULD NEVER DO There was an entry in today’s “You’re the Boss” blog on the New York Times website entitled “One Hundred Things Restaurant Staffers should never do. (Part 1).” Oh man, I just had this rip a new one. My responses are in italics. ONE HUNDRED THINGS RESTAURANT STAFFERS SHOULD NEVER DO By BRUCE BUSCHEL Herewith is a HOW TO SCORE WITH A WAITRESS Rule #6: Tip 20%. This is a good tip amount. Any less and you’re a cheapskate, any more and you’re desperate. On his way out the door, the gentleman handed me a folded piece of paper, saying, “This is for YOU,” He could’ve left it in the check presenter (because a waiter is the only one who ever touches a check presenter from their CRAZY SEXY - WAITER RANT I need to refill my Lipitor prescription so I walk into the local Rite Aid with Ann in tow. “I’ll check my blood pressure while you’re waiting,” Ann says. Ann’s blood pressure is perfect, but she has a strange fetish. She likes the crushing feeling of a blood pressure cuff on her arm. She also WHAT YOUR DRINK SAYS ABOUT YOU Vodka on the Rocks – You want to get drunk as fast as possible. Malibu Bay Breeze – A gay man’s drink. (According to Louis) Sloe Gin Fizz – Same as above. Gin neat – Only for mad dogs and Englishmen. Sour Apple Martini – You have a sense of fun but overindulgence might cause dancing on tables and bad karaoke singing. FEAR AND LONELINESS IN LAS VEGAS Fear and Loneliness in Las Vegas. It’s 2:00 AM and I’m looking out my hotel room’s bathroom window while I floss my teeth. As I scrape the gunk out from between my molars I look at the light beam streaking out from the tip of the Luxor Hotel. A cab driver told me that the beam’s intensity was lowered at the request of the FAA, but that 50 SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE AN ASSHOLE CUSTOMER 50 Signs You Might Be An Asshole Customer. 1) You bring your own teabags. 2) You ask for separate checks after you’ve finished your meal. 3) You’re a foreigner who knows the customary tip in the US is 15% but feign ignorance so you can save a few bucks. 4) You bring yourown appetizers.
WAITER RANT
My Birthday. Again. by waiter | Jun 1, 2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”. DESERVE’S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Channeling Clint Eastwood, I lanced the man with my thousand-yard stare and said, “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.”. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” I said, turning back to my sandwich. “I’ve only got a few minutes for lunch. Have a nice day.”. I listened to man’s clothes rustle as he slid off his stool, the echoof his
50 SIGNS YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAD RESTAURANT Anyone who’s ever waited tables knows how hard it is to transition from one restaurant job to another. To help make the process a little smoother I’ve compiled a list of warning signs to help waiters avoid working in dysfunctional shitholes. 1) They hire you the moment you say, “I’m looking for aGUEST WAITER
This submission came from Tim – a guy who bussed, hosted, and waited tables at the Jersey Shore. All the chafing from the sand in his shorts must have sent him over the edge! Thanks for sharing Tim! Ten Amazingly Ignorant Customer Quotes While most restaurant patrons are a pleasure to serve, encounters with rude THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what little I knew about her, I THE PRIVACY OF SMOKE It’s a crisp winter’s night and I’m strolling though Union Square in Lower Manhattan. I’m supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner but when she texts to say she’s running late I suddenly discover I’ve got forty-five minutes to kill. So I duck into a cigarshop, select a
WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in the HOW TO SCORE WITH A WAITRESS Rule #6: Tip 20%. This is a good tip amount. Any less and you’re a cheapskate, any more and you’re desperate. On his way out the door, the gentleman handed me a folded piece of paper, saying, “This is for YOU,” He could’ve left it in the check presenter (because a waiter is the only one who ever touches a check presenter from their SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Seduction. Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.”. “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up herhand.
WAITER RANT
My Birthday. Again. by waiter | Jun 1, 2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”. DESERVE’S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Channeling Clint Eastwood, I lanced the man with my thousand-yard stare and said, “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.”. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” I said, turning back to my sandwich. “I’ve only got a few minutes for lunch. Have a nice day.”. I listened to man’s clothes rustle as he slid off his stool, the echoof his
50 SIGNS YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAD RESTAURANT Anyone who’s ever waited tables knows how hard it is to transition from one restaurant job to another. To help make the process a little smoother I’ve compiled a list of warning signs to help waiters avoid working in dysfunctional shitholes. 1) They hire you the moment you say, “I’m looking for aGUEST WAITER
This submission came from Tim – a guy who bussed, hosted, and waited tables at the Jersey Shore. All the chafing from the sand in his shorts must have sent him over the edge! Thanks for sharing Tim! Ten Amazingly Ignorant Customer Quotes While most restaurant patrons are a pleasure to serve, encounters with rude THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what little I knew about her, I THE PRIVACY OF SMOKE It’s a crisp winter’s night and I’m strolling though Union Square in Lower Manhattan. I’m supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner but when she texts to say she’s running late I suddenly discover I’ve got forty-five minutes to kill. So I duck into a cigarshop, select a
WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in the HOW TO SCORE WITH A WAITRESS Rule #6: Tip 20%. This is a good tip amount. Any less and you’re a cheapskate, any more and you’re desperate. On his way out the door, the gentleman handed me a folded piece of paper, saying, “This is for YOU,” He could’ve left it in the check presenter (because a waiter is the only one who ever touches a check presenter from their SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Seduction. Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.”. “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up herhand.
THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”. BAD TIPPERS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD After my daughter started playing soccer on Saturday mornings, we quickly settled into a little routine. As soon as the game is over and the soccer moms and dads finish stowing their foldable living rooms into their SUVs, I take Natalie to Panera’s for breakfast. She always orders a strawberry smoothie. Me? Coffee and a DESERVE’S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Channeling Clint Eastwood, I lanced the man with my thousand-yard stare and said, “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.”. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” I said, turning back to my sandwich. “I’ve only got a few minutes for lunch. Have a nice day.”. I listened to man’s clothes rustle as he slid off his stool, the echoof his
YOU HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD It is not a commodity we can control or hoard. As a wise man once said, “Time is the moving image of eternity.”. We’re just along for the ride. So shut up and listen to people. You might learn something. Besides, you’ll eventually get to where you’re going anyway. You have all the time in the world. TAKE YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM YOUR EYES That’s not easy, but we have to try. One day my love, you will overcome by sorrow and despair but, when you stop crying and take your hands away from your eyes, there will always be something beautiful to see. Never stop looking for rainbows and fireflies – for sunsets, music, poetry, art, and, perhaps one day, the smile on your own child EX NIHILO - WAITER RANT To be fair, even ‘nothing’ is something. But you’re talking about a nothing that we can’t even comprehend. NO THING .”. “Are you going to talk about God now?”. “Not at all,” I said. “But if you were, as you say, nothing before you were born and, since the difference between nothing and something is an unbridgeable gap, then ONE HUNDRED THINGS RESTAURANT STAFFERS SHOULD NEVER DO There was an entry in today’s “You’re the Boss” blog on the New York Times website entitled “One Hundred Things Restaurant Staffers should never do. (Part 1).” Oh man, I just had this rip a new one. My responses are in italics. ONE HUNDRED THINGS RESTAURANT STAFFERS SHOULD NEVER DO By BRUCE BUSCHEL Herewith is a SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Seduction. Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.”. “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up herhand.
CRAZY SEXY - WAITER RANT I need to refill my Lipitor prescription so I walk into the local Rite Aid with Ann in tow. “I’ll check my blood pressure while you’re waiting,” Ann says. Ann’s blood pressure is perfect, but she has a strange fetish. She likes the crushing feeling of a blood pressure cuff on her arm. She alsoASK THE WAITER
I received this letter from a former sushi chef. I thought it was worth reprinting. Hello Waiter, I used to work as a sushi chef for about 7 years and I think I might be able to offer a little input, at the very least. on how I preferred to be tipped. Generally, I prefer a customer to tip the waitstaff 15-20% and to tip the chefs around 10%at
WAITER RANT
My Birthday. Again. by waiter | Jun 1, 2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”. BAD TIPPERS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD After my daughter started playing soccer on Saturday mornings, we quickly settled into a little routine. As soon as the game is over and the soccer moms and dads finish stowing their foldable living rooms into their SUVs, I take Natalie to Panera’s for breakfast. She always orders a strawberry smoothie. Me? Coffee and a DESERVE’S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Channeling Clint Eastwood, I lanced the man with my thousand-yard stare and said, “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.”. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” I said, turning back to my sandwich. “I’ve only got a few minutes for lunch. Have a nice day.”. I listened to man’s clothes rustle as he slid off his stool, the echoof his
50 SIGNS YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAD RESTAURANT Anyone who’s ever waited tables knows how hard it is to transition from one restaurant job to another. To help make the process a little smoother I’ve compiled a list of warning signs to help waiters avoid working in dysfunctional shitholes. 1) They hire you the moment you say, “I’m looking for a THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what little I knew about her, I WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in the 50 REASONS I LOVE NEW JERSEY I’m a New Jerseyan and proud of it. Here’s why! 1. Because we have the most diners in the world, you can always get something to soak up the booze at 3:00 AM. 2. The Jersey accent makes you sound tough, even if you aren’t. 3. You’re usually only three persons removed fromknowing a
THE PRIVACY OF SMOKE It’s a crisp winter’s night and I’m strolling though Union Square in Lower Manhattan. I’m supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner but when she texts to say she’s running late I suddenly discover I’ve got forty-five minutes to kill. So I duck into a cigarshop, select a
SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Seduction. Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.”. “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up herhand.
WAITER RANT
My Birthday. Again. by waiter | Jun 1, 2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”. BAD TIPPERS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD After my daughter started playing soccer on Saturday mornings, we quickly settled into a little routine. As soon as the game is over and the soccer moms and dads finish stowing their foldable living rooms into their SUVs, I take Natalie to Panera’s for breakfast. She always orders a strawberry smoothie. Me? Coffee and a DESERVE’S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Channeling Clint Eastwood, I lanced the man with my thousand-yard stare and said, “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.”. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” I said, turning back to my sandwich. “I’ve only got a few minutes for lunch. Have a nice day.”. I listened to man’s clothes rustle as he slid off his stool, the echoof his
50 SIGNS YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAD RESTAURANT Anyone who’s ever waited tables knows how hard it is to transition from one restaurant job to another. To help make the process a little smoother I’ve compiled a list of warning signs to help waiters avoid working in dysfunctional shitholes. 1) They hire you the moment you say, “I’m looking for a THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what little I knew about her, I WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in the 50 REASONS I LOVE NEW JERSEY I’m a New Jerseyan and proud of it. Here’s why! 1. Because we have the most diners in the world, you can always get something to soak up the booze at 3:00 AM. 2. The Jersey accent makes you sound tough, even if you aren’t. 3. You’re usually only three persons removed fromknowing a
THE PRIVACY OF SMOKE It’s a crisp winter’s night and I’m strolling though Union Square in Lower Manhattan. I’m supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner but when she texts to say she’s running late I suddenly discover I’ve got forty-five minutes to kill. So I duck into a cigarshop, select a
SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Seduction. Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.”. “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up herhand.
THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”.GET THE BOOKS
https://www.facebook.com/waiter.rant. TwitterWAITER RANT
In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses, row on row, That mark our place; and in the sky The larks, still bravely singing, fly Scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the Dead. Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, Loved and were SLOW DOWN - WAITER RANT “Steve,” my boss said over the telephone, “Can you come down to my office for a minute?” “Sure thing,” I said, wondering what was up. My boss is a “hands off” type of supervisor. As long as I get my job done, he stays out of my hair – a blessing after years ofdealing
GUEST WAITER
This submission came from Tim – a guy who bussed, hosted, and waited tables at the Jersey Shore. All the chafing from the sand in his shorts must have sent him over the edge! Thanks for sharing Tim! Ten Amazingly Ignorant Customer Quotes While most restaurant patrons are a pleasure to serve, encounters with rude ONE HUNDRED THINGS RESTAURANT STAFFERS SHOULD NEVER DO There was an entry in today’s “You’re the Boss” blog on the New York Times website entitled “One Hundred Things Restaurant Staffers should never do. (Part 1).” Oh man, I just had this rip a new one. My responses are in italics. ONE HUNDRED THINGS RESTAURANT STAFFERS SHOULD NEVER DO By BRUCE BUSCHEL Herewith is a HOW TO SCORE WITH A WAITRESS Rule #6: Tip 20%. This is a good tip amount. Any less and you’re a cheapskate, any more and you’re desperate. On his way out the door, the gentleman handed me a folded piece of paper, saying, “This is for YOU,” He could’ve left it in the check presenter (because a waiter is the only one who ever touches a check presenter from their SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Seduction. Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.”. “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up herhand.
CRAZY SEXY - WAITER RANT I need to refill my Lipitor prescription so I walk into the local Rite Aid with Ann in tow. “I’ll check my blood pressure while you’re waiting,” Ann says. Ann’s blood pressure is perfect, but she has a strange fetish. She likes the crushing feeling of a blood pressure cuff on her arm. She alsoWAITERRANT.NET
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My Birthday. Again. by waiter | Jun 1, 2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”. BAD TIPPERS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD After my daughter started playing soccer on Saturday mornings, we quickly settled into a little routine. As soon as the game is over and the soccer moms and dads finish stowing their foldable living rooms into their SUVs, I take Natalie to Panera’s for breakfast. She always orders a strawberry smoothie. Me? Coffee and a DESERVE’S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Channeling Clint Eastwood, I lanced the man with my thousand-yard stare and said, “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.”. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” I said, turning back to my sandwich. “I’ve only got a few minutes for lunch. Have a nice day.”. I listened to man’s clothes rustle as he slid off his stool, the echoof his
50 SIGNS YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAD RESTAURANT Anyone who’s ever waited tables knows how hard it is to transition from one restaurant job to another. To help make the process a little smoother I’ve compiled a list of warning signs to help waiters avoid working in dysfunctional shitholes. 1) They hire you the moment you say, “I’m looking for a THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what little I knew about her, I WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in the 50 REASONS I LOVE NEW JERSEY I’m a New Jerseyan and proud of it. Here’s why! 1. Because we have the most diners in the world, you can always get something to soak up the booze at 3:00 AM. 2. The Jersey accent makes you sound tough, even if you aren’t. 3. You’re usually only three persons removed fromknowing a
THE PRIVACY OF SMOKE It’s a crisp winter’s night and I’m strolling though Union Square in Lower Manhattan. I’m supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner but when she texts to say she’s running late I suddenly discover I’ve got forty-five minutes to kill. So I duck into a cigarshop, select a
SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Seduction. Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.”. “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up herhand.
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My Birthday. Again. by waiter | Jun 1, 2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”. BAD TIPPERS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD After my daughter started playing soccer on Saturday mornings, we quickly settled into a little routine. As soon as the game is over and the soccer moms and dads finish stowing their foldable living rooms into their SUVs, I take Natalie to Panera’s for breakfast. She always orders a strawberry smoothie. Me? Coffee and a DESERVE’S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Channeling Clint Eastwood, I lanced the man with my thousand-yard stare and said, “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.”. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” I said, turning back to my sandwich. “I’ve only got a few minutes for lunch. Have a nice day.”. I listened to man’s clothes rustle as he slid off his stool, the echoof his
50 SIGNS YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAD RESTAURANT Anyone who’s ever waited tables knows how hard it is to transition from one restaurant job to another. To help make the process a little smoother I’ve compiled a list of warning signs to help waiters avoid working in dysfunctional shitholes. 1) They hire you the moment you say, “I’m looking for a THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what little I knew about her, I WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in the 50 REASONS I LOVE NEW JERSEY I’m a New Jerseyan and proud of it. Here’s why! 1. Because we have the most diners in the world, you can always get something to soak up the booze at 3:00 AM. 2. The Jersey accent makes you sound tough, even if you aren’t. 3. You’re usually only three persons removed fromknowing a
THE PRIVACY OF SMOKE It’s a crisp winter’s night and I’m strolling though Union Square in Lower Manhattan. I’m supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner but when she texts to say she’s running late I suddenly discover I’ve got forty-five minutes to kill. So I duck into a cigarshop, select a
SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Seduction. Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.”. “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up herhand.
THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”.WAITER RANT
In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses, row on row, That mark our place; and in the sky The larks, still bravely singing, fly Scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the Dead. Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, Loved and were SLOW DOWN - WAITER RANT “Steve,” my boss said over the telephone, “Can you come down to my office for a minute?” “Sure thing,” I said, wondering what was up. My boss is a “hands off” type of supervisor. As long as I get my job done, he stays out of my hair – a blessing after years ofdealing
ONE HUNDRED THINGS RESTAURANT STAFFERS SHOULD NEVER DO There was an entry in today’s “You’re the Boss” blog on the New York Times website entitled “One Hundred Things Restaurant Staffers should never do. (Part 1).” Oh man, I just had this rip a new one. My responses are in italics. ONE HUNDRED THINGS RESTAURANT STAFFERS SHOULD NEVER DO By BRUCE BUSCHEL Herewith is aGUEST WAITER
This submission came from Tim – a guy who bussed, hosted, and waited tables at the Jersey Shore. All the chafing from the sand in his shorts must have sent him over the edge! Thanks for sharing Tim! Ten Amazingly Ignorant Customer Quotes While most restaurant patrons are a pleasure to serve, encounters with rude HOW TO SCORE WITH A WAITRESS Rule #6: Tip 20%. This is a good tip amount. Any less and you’re a cheapskate, any more and you’re desperate. On his way out the door, the gentleman handed me a folded piece of paper, saying, “This is for YOU,” He could’ve left it in the check presenter (because a waiter is the only one who ever touches a check presenter from their SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Seduction. Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.”. “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up herhand.
CRAZY SEXY - WAITER RANT I need to refill my Lipitor prescription so I walk into the local Rite Aid with Ann in tow. “I’ll check my blood pressure while you’re waiting,” Ann says. Ann’s blood pressure is perfect, but she has a strange fetish. She likes the crushing feeling of a blood pressure cuff on her arm. She alsoWAITERRANT.NET
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My Birthday. Again. by waiter | Jun 1, 2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES After my wife got her second dose of the Pfizer vaccine on Saturday, she told me, “I’m starting to feel like shit. You’ll have to take Natalie horseback riding tomorrow.” “No problem,” I said. “Have you ever ridden a horse?” I had to think about that for a minute. “Not since I was at YMCA BAD TIPPERS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD After my daughter started playing soccer on Saturday mornings, we quickly settled into a little routine. As soon as the game is over and the soccer moms and dads finish stowing their foldable living rooms into their SUVs, I take Natalie to Panera’s for breakfast. She always orders a strawberry smoothie. Me? Coffee and a 50 SIGNS YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAD RESTAURANT Anyone who’s ever waited tables knows how hard it is to transition from one restaurant job to another. To help make the process a little smoother I’ve compiled a list of warning signs to help waiters avoid working in dysfunctional shitholes. 1) They hire you the moment you say, “I’m looking for a THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.” I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothesand what
50 REASONS I LOVE NEW JERSEY I’m a New Jerseyan and proud of it. Here’s why! 1. Because we have the most diners in the world, you can always get something to soak up the booze at 3:00 AM. 2. The Jersey accent makes you sound tough, even if you aren’t. 3. You’re usually only three persons removed fromknowing a
WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in the THE PRIVACY OF SMOKE It’s a crisp winter’s night and I’m strolling though Union Square in Lower Manhattan. I’m supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner but when she texts to say she’s running late I suddenly discover I’ve got forty-five minutes to kill. So I duck into a cigarshop, select a
SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.” “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up her hand. “Meneither,”
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My Birthday. Again. by waiter | Jun 1, 2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES After my wife got her second dose of the Pfizer vaccine on Saturday, she told me, “I’m starting to feel like shit. You’ll have to take Natalie horseback riding tomorrow.” “No problem,” I said. “Have you ever ridden a horse?” I had to think about that for a minute. “Not since I was at YMCA BAD TIPPERS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD After my daughter started playing soccer on Saturday mornings, we quickly settled into a little routine. As soon as the game is over and the soccer moms and dads finish stowing their foldable living rooms into their SUVs, I take Natalie to Panera’s for breakfast. She always orders a strawberry smoothie. Me? Coffee and a 50 SIGNS YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAD RESTAURANT Anyone who’s ever waited tables knows how hard it is to transition from one restaurant job to another. To help make the process a little smoother I’ve compiled a list of warning signs to help waiters avoid working in dysfunctional shitholes. 1) They hire you the moment you say, “I’m looking for a THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.” I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothesand what
50 REASONS I LOVE NEW JERSEY I’m a New Jerseyan and proud of it. Here’s why! 1. Because we have the most diners in the world, you can always get something to soak up the booze at 3:00 AM. 2. The Jersey accent makes you sound tough, even if you aren’t. 3. You’re usually only three persons removed fromknowing a
WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in the THE PRIVACY OF SMOKE It’s a crisp winter’s night and I’m strolling though Union Square in Lower Manhattan. I’m supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner but when she texts to say she’s running late I suddenly discover I’ve got forty-five minutes to kill. So I duck into a cigarshop, select a
SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.” “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up her hand. “Meneither,”
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THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES After my wife got her second dose of the Pfizer vaccine on Saturday, she told me, “I’m starting to feel like shit. You’ll have to take Natalie horseback riding tomorrow.” “No problem,” I said. “Have you ever ridden a horse?” I had to think about that for a minute. “Not since I was at YMCAGET THE BOOKS
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I Hurt Myself Today. by waiter | Mar 30, 2019 | Uncategorized. When I got home from work yesterday the newest addition to my pocketknife collection was waiting in my mailbox. Like a kid on Christmas I slid the new knife out of its packaging and flicked it open.GUEST WAITER
This submission came from Tim – a guy who bussed, hosted, and waited tables at the Jersey Shore. All the chafing from the sand in his shorts must have sent him over the edge! Thanks for sharing Tim! Ten Amazingly Ignorant Customer Quotes While most restaurant patrons are a pleasure to serve, encounters with rude ONE HUNDRED THINGS RESTAURANT STAFFERS SHOULD NEVER DO There was an entry in today’s “You’re the Boss” blog on the New York Times website entitled “One Hundred Things Restaurant Staffers should never do. (Part 1).” Oh man, I just had this rip a new one. My responses are in italics. ONE HUNDRED THINGS RESTAURANT STAFFERS SHOULD NEVER DO By BRUCE BUSCHEL Herewith is aASK THE WAITER
I received this letter from a former sushi chef. I thought it was worth reprinting. Hello Waiter, I used to work as a sushi chef for about 7 years and I think I might be able to offer a little input, at the very least. on how I preferred to be tipped. Generally, I prefer HOW TO SCORE WITH A WAITRESS This is the first “guest blogger” to be published on Waiter Rant. If all goes well and the submissions are good, I’ll publish one a week. Enjoy! How to Score with a Waitress – Ella Lawrence I was asked out by my last table at The Bistro last night, and although I donot plan
SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.” “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up her hand. “Meneither,”
CRAZY SEXY - WAITER RANT I need to refill my Lipitor prescription so I walk into the local Rite Aid with Ann in tow. “I’ll check my blood pressure while you’re waiting,” Ann says. Ann’s blood pressure is perfect, but she has a strange fetish. She likes the crushing feeling of a blood pressure cuff on her arm. She alsoWWW.WAITERRANT.NET
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My Birthday. Again. by waiter | Jun 1, 2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”. BAD TIPPERS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD After my daughter started playing soccer on Saturday mornings, we quickly settled into a little routine. As soon as the game is over and the soccer moms and dads finish stowing their foldable living rooms into their SUVs, I take Natalie to Panera’s for breakfast. She always orders a strawberry smoothie. Me? Coffee and aSTEALING FIRE
There was no way to know. Thousands of faces have flown past me through life – whipping by like glowing embers driven by the firestorm of time. Avid its rush, that reeling blaze! Those sparks can illuminate or burn us, frighten or inspire us, and, every once in a while, set our hearts afire. 50 SIGNS YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAD RESTAURANT Anyone who’s ever waited tables knows how hard it is to transition from one restaurant job to another. To help make the process a little smoother I’ve compiled a list of warning signs to help waiters avoid working in dysfunctional shitholes. 1) They hire you the moment you say, “I’m looking for a THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what little I knew about her, I THE PRIVACY OF SMOKE It’s a crisp winter’s night and I’m strolling though Union Square in Lower Manhattan. I’m supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner but when she texts to say she’s running late I suddenly discover I’ve got forty-five minutes to kill. So I duck into a cigarshop, select a
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This submission came from Tim – a guy who bussed, hosted, and waited tables at the Jersey Shore. All the chafing from the sand in his shorts must have sent him over the edge! Thanks for sharing Tim! Ten Amazingly Ignorant Customer Quotes While most restaurant patrons are a pleasure to serve, encounters with rude HOW TO SCORE WITH A WAITRESS This is the first “guest blogger” to be published on Waiter Rant. If all goes well and the submissions are good, I’ll publish one a week. Enjoy! How to Score with a Waitress – Ella Lawrence I was asked out by my last table at The Bistro last night, and although I donot plan
WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in theWAITER RANT
My Birthday. Again. by waiter | Jun 1, 2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”. BAD TIPPERS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD After my daughter started playing soccer on Saturday mornings, we quickly settled into a little routine. As soon as the game is over and the soccer moms and dads finish stowing their foldable living rooms into their SUVs, I take Natalie to Panera’s for breakfast. She always orders a strawberry smoothie. Me? Coffee and aSTEALING FIRE
There was no way to know. Thousands of faces have flown past me through life – whipping by like glowing embers driven by the firestorm of time. Avid its rush, that reeling blaze! Those sparks can illuminate or burn us, frighten or inspire us, and, every once in a while, set our hearts afire. 50 SIGNS YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAD RESTAURANT Anyone who’s ever waited tables knows how hard it is to transition from one restaurant job to another. To help make the process a little smoother I’ve compiled a list of warning signs to help waiters avoid working in dysfunctional shitholes. 1) They hire you the moment you say, “I’m looking for a THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what little I knew about her, I THE PRIVACY OF SMOKE It’s a crisp winter’s night and I’m strolling though Union Square in Lower Manhattan. I’m supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner but when she texts to say she’s running late I suddenly discover I’ve got forty-five minutes to kill. So I duck into a cigarshop, select a
GUEST WAITER
This submission came from Tim – a guy who bussed, hosted, and waited tables at the Jersey Shore. All the chafing from the sand in his shorts must have sent him over the edge! Thanks for sharing Tim! Ten Amazingly Ignorant Customer Quotes While most restaurant patrons are a pleasure to serve, encounters with rude HOW TO SCORE WITH A WAITRESS This is the first “guest blogger” to be published on Waiter Rant. If all goes well and the submissions are good, I’ll publish one a week. Enjoy! How to Score with a Waitress – Ella Lawrence I was asked out by my last table at The Bistro last night, and although I donot plan
WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in the THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”. SLOW DOWN - WAITER RANT “Steve,” my boss said over the telephone, “Can you come down to my office for a minute?” “Sure thing,” I said, wondering what was up. My boss is a “hands off” type of supervisor. As long as I get my job done, he stays out of my hair – a blessing after years ofdealing
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Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a TAKE YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM YOUR EYES That’s not easy, but we have to try. One day my love, you will overcome by sorrow and despair but, when you stop crying and take your hands away from your eyes, there will always be something beautiful to see. Never stop looking for rainbows and fireflies – for sunsets, music, poetry, art, and, perhaps one day, the smile on your own child EX NIHILO - WAITER RANT To be fair, even ‘nothing’ is something. But you’re talking about a nothing that we can’t even comprehend. NO THING .”. “Are you going to talk about God now?”. “Not at all,” I said. “But if you were, as you say, nothing before you were born and, since the difference between nothing and something is an unbridgeable gap, then THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what little I knew about her, IWAITER RANT
In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses, row on row, That mark our place; and in the sky The larks, still bravely singing, fly Scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the Dead. Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, Loved and were WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in theASK THE WAITER
I received this letter from a former sushi chef. I thought it was worth reprinting. Hello Waiter, I used to work as a sushi chef for about 7 years and I think I might be able to offer a little input, at the very least. on how I preferred to be tipped. Generally, I prefer a customer to tip the waitstaff 15-20% and to tip the chefs around 10%at
SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Seduction. Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.”. “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up herhand.
WAITER RANT
My Birthday. Again. by waiter | Jun 1, 2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”. BAD TIPPERS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD After my daughter started playing soccer on Saturday mornings, we quickly settled into a little routine. As soon as the game is over and the soccer moms and dads finish stowing their foldable living rooms into their SUVs, I take Natalie to Panera’s for breakfast. She always orders a strawberry smoothie. Me? Coffee and aSTEALING FIRE
There was no way to know. Thousands of faces have flown past me through life – whipping by like glowing embers driven by the firestorm of time. Avid its rush, that reeling blaze! Those sparks can illuminate or burn us, frighten or inspire us, and, every once in a while, set our hearts afire. 50 SIGNS YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAD RESTAURANT Anyone who’s ever waited tables knows how hard it is to transition from one restaurant job to another. To help make the process a little smoother I’ve compiled a list of warning signs to help waiters avoid working in dysfunctional shitholes. 1) They hire you the moment you say, “I’m looking for a THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what little I knew about her, I THE PRIVACY OF SMOKE It’s a crisp winter’s night and I’m strolling though Union Square in Lower Manhattan. I’m supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner but when she texts to say she’s running late I suddenly discover I’ve got forty-five minutes to kill. So I duck into a cigarshop, select a
GUEST WAITER
This submission came from Tim – a guy who bussed, hosted, and waited tables at the Jersey Shore. All the chafing from the sand in his shorts must have sent him over the edge! Thanks for sharing Tim! Ten Amazingly Ignorant Customer Quotes While most restaurant patrons are a pleasure to serve, encounters with rude HOW TO SCORE WITH A WAITRESS This is the first “guest blogger” to be published on Waiter Rant. If all goes well and the submissions are good, I’ll publish one a week. Enjoy! How to Score with a Waitress – Ella Lawrence I was asked out by my last table at The Bistro last night, and although I donot plan
WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in theWAITER RANT
My Birthday. Again. by waiter | Jun 1, 2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”. BAD TIPPERS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD After my daughter started playing soccer on Saturday mornings, we quickly settled into a little routine. As soon as the game is over and the soccer moms and dads finish stowing their foldable living rooms into their SUVs, I take Natalie to Panera’s for breakfast. She always orders a strawberry smoothie. Me? Coffee and aSTEALING FIRE
There was no way to know. Thousands of faces have flown past me through life – whipping by like glowing embers driven by the firestorm of time. Avid its rush, that reeling blaze! Those sparks can illuminate or burn us, frighten or inspire us, and, every once in a while, set our hearts afire. 50 SIGNS YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAD RESTAURANT Anyone who’s ever waited tables knows how hard it is to transition from one restaurant job to another. To help make the process a little smoother I’ve compiled a list of warning signs to help waiters avoid working in dysfunctional shitholes. 1) They hire you the moment you say, “I’m looking for a THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what little I knew about her, I THE PRIVACY OF SMOKE It’s a crisp winter’s night and I’m strolling though Union Square in Lower Manhattan. I’m supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner but when she texts to say she’s running late I suddenly discover I’ve got forty-five minutes to kill. So I duck into a cigarshop, select a
GUEST WAITER
This submission came from Tim – a guy who bussed, hosted, and waited tables at the Jersey Shore. All the chafing from the sand in his shorts must have sent him over the edge! Thanks for sharing Tim! Ten Amazingly Ignorant Customer Quotes While most restaurant patrons are a pleasure to serve, encounters with rude HOW TO SCORE WITH A WAITRESS This is the first “guest blogger” to be published on Waiter Rant. If all goes well and the submissions are good, I’ll publish one a week. Enjoy! How to Score with a Waitress – Ella Lawrence I was asked out by my last table at The Bistro last night, and although I donot plan
WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in the THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”. SLOW DOWN - WAITER RANT “Steve,” my boss said over the telephone, “Can you come down to my office for a minute?” “Sure thing,” I said, wondering what was up. My boss is a “hands off” type of supervisor. As long as I get my job done, he stays out of my hair – a blessing after years ofdealing
WAITER RANT
Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a TAKE YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM YOUR EYES That’s not easy, but we have to try. One day my love, you will overcome by sorrow and despair but, when you stop crying and take your hands away from your eyes, there will always be something beautiful to see. Never stop looking for rainbows and fireflies – for sunsets, music, poetry, art, and, perhaps one day, the smile on your own child EX NIHILO - WAITER RANT To be fair, even ‘nothing’ is something. But you’re talking about a nothing that we can’t even comprehend. NO THING .”. “Are you going to talk about God now?”. “Not at all,” I said. “But if you were, as you say, nothing before you were born and, since the difference between nothing and something is an unbridgeable gap, then THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what little I knew about her, IWAITER RANT
In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses, row on row, That mark our place; and in the sky The larks, still bravely singing, fly Scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the Dead. Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, Loved and were WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in theASK THE WAITER
I received this letter from a former sushi chef. I thought it was worth reprinting. Hello Waiter, I used to work as a sushi chef for about 7 years and I think I might be able to offer a little input, at the very least. on how I preferred to be tipped. Generally, I prefer a customer to tip the waitstaff 15-20% and to tip the chefs around 10%at
SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Seduction. Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.”. “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up herhand.
WAITER RANT
My Birthday. Again. by waiter | Jun 1, 2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”. BAD TIPPERS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD After my daughter started playing soccer on Saturday mornings, we quickly settled into a little routine. As soon as the game is over and the soccer moms and dads finish stowing their foldable living rooms into their SUVs, I take Natalie to Panera’s for breakfast. She always orders a strawberry smoothie. Me? Coffee and aSTEALING FIRE
There was no way to know. Thousands of faces have flown past me through life – whipping by like glowing embers driven by the firestorm of time. Avid its rush, that reeling blaze! Those sparks can illuminate or burn us, frighten or inspire us, and, every once in a while, set our hearts afire. 50 SIGNS YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAD RESTAURANT Anyone who’s ever waited tables knows how hard it is to transition from one restaurant job to another. To help make the process a little smoother I’ve compiled a list of warning signs to help waiters avoid working in dysfunctional shitholes. 1) They hire you the moment you say, “I’m looking for a THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what little I knew about her, I THE PRIVACY OF SMOKE It’s a crisp winter’s night and I’m strolling though Union Square in Lower Manhattan. I’m supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner but when she texts to say she’s running late I suddenly discover I’ve got forty-five minutes to kill. So I duck into a cigarshop, select a
GUEST WAITER
This submission came from Tim – a guy who bussed, hosted, and waited tables at the Jersey Shore. All the chafing from the sand in his shorts must have sent him over the edge! Thanks for sharing Tim! Ten Amazingly Ignorant Customer Quotes While most restaurant patrons are a pleasure to serve, encounters with rude HOW TO SCORE WITH A WAITRESS This is the first “guest blogger” to be published on Waiter Rant. If all goes well and the submissions are good, I’ll publish one a week. Enjoy! How to Score with a Waitress – Ella Lawrence I was asked out by my last table at The Bistro last night, and although I donot plan
WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in theWAITER RANT
My Birthday. Again. by waiter | Jun 1, 2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”. BAD TIPPERS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD After my daughter started playing soccer on Saturday mornings, we quickly settled into a little routine. As soon as the game is over and the soccer moms and dads finish stowing their foldable living rooms into their SUVs, I take Natalie to Panera’s for breakfast. She always orders a strawberry smoothie. Me? Coffee and aSTEALING FIRE
There was no way to know. Thousands of faces have flown past me through life – whipping by like glowing embers driven by the firestorm of time. Avid its rush, that reeling blaze! Those sparks can illuminate or burn us, frighten or inspire us, and, every once in a while, set our hearts afire. 50 SIGNS YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAD RESTAURANT Anyone who’s ever waited tables knows how hard it is to transition from one restaurant job to another. To help make the process a little smoother I’ve compiled a list of warning signs to help waiters avoid working in dysfunctional shitholes. 1) They hire you the moment you say, “I’m looking for a THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what little I knew about her, I THE PRIVACY OF SMOKE It’s a crisp winter’s night and I’m strolling though Union Square in Lower Manhattan. I’m supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner but when she texts to say she’s running late I suddenly discover I’ve got forty-five minutes to kill. So I duck into a cigarshop, select a
GUEST WAITER
This submission came from Tim – a guy who bussed, hosted, and waited tables at the Jersey Shore. All the chafing from the sand in his shorts must have sent him over the edge! Thanks for sharing Tim! Ten Amazingly Ignorant Customer Quotes While most restaurant patrons are a pleasure to serve, encounters with rude HOW TO SCORE WITH A WAITRESS This is the first “guest blogger” to be published on Waiter Rant. If all goes well and the submissions are good, I’ll publish one a week. Enjoy! How to Score with a Waitress – Ella Lawrence I was asked out by my last table at The Bistro last night, and although I donot plan
WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in the THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”. SLOW DOWN - WAITER RANT “Steve,” my boss said over the telephone, “Can you come down to my office for a minute?” “Sure thing,” I said, wondering what was up. My boss is a “hands off” type of supervisor. As long as I get my job done, he stays out of my hair – a blessing after years ofdealing
WAITER RANT
Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a TAKE YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM YOUR EYES That’s not easy, but we have to try. One day my love, you will overcome by sorrow and despair but, when you stop crying and take your hands away from your eyes, there will always be something beautiful to see. Never stop looking for rainbows and fireflies – for sunsets, music, poetry, art, and, perhaps one day, the smile on your own child EX NIHILO - WAITER RANT To be fair, even ‘nothing’ is something. But you’re talking about a nothing that we can’t even comprehend. NO THING .”. “Are you going to talk about God now?”. “Not at all,” I said. “But if you were, as you say, nothing before you were born and, since the difference between nothing and something is an unbridgeable gap, then THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what little I knew about her, IWAITER RANT
In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses, row on row, That mark our place; and in the sky The larks, still bravely singing, fly Scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the Dead. Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, Loved and were WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in theASK THE WAITER
I received this letter from a former sushi chef. I thought it was worth reprinting. Hello Waiter, I used to work as a sushi chef for about 7 years and I think I might be able to offer a little input, at the very least. on how I preferred to be tipped. Generally, I prefer a customer to tip the waitstaff 15-20% and to tip the chefs around 10%at
SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Seduction. Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.”. “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up herhand.
WAITER RANT
My Birthday. Again. by waiter | Jun 1, 2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what little I knew about her, ISTEALING FIRE
There was no way to know. Thousands of faces have flown past me through life – whipping by like glowing embers driven by the firestorm of time. Avid its rush, that reeling blaze! Those sparks can illuminate or burn us, frighten or inspire us, and, every once in a while, set our hearts afire. EX NIHILO - WAITER RANT To be fair, even ‘nothing’ is something. But you’re talking about a nothing that we can’t even comprehend. NO THING .”. “Are you going to talk about God now?”. “Not at all,” I said. “But if you were, as you say, nothing before you were born and, since the difference between nothing and something is an unbridgeable gap, then THE PRIVACY OF SMOKE It’s a crisp winter’s night and I’m strolling though Union Square in Lower Manhattan. I’m supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner but when she texts to say she’s running late I suddenly discover I’ve got forty-five minutes to kill. So I duck into a cigarshop, select a
50 SIGNS YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAD RESTAURANT Anyone who’s ever waited tables knows how hard it is to transition from one restaurant job to another. To help make the process a little smoother I’ve compiled a list of warning signs to help waiters avoid working in dysfunctional shitholes. 1) They hire you the moment you say, “I’m looking for aMOTHER'S DAY GRINCH
I won’t see my own mother on Mother’s Day. I’m breaking a promise I made to myself. I’ll call. She’ll understand. Outside rain gently starts to fall. Cars hiss through wavering streetlamps mirrored in the slick pavement. People run inside. A silence falls on the street. I finish my drink and go home. HOW TO SCORE WITH A WAITRESS This is the first “guest blogger” to be published on Waiter Rant. If all goes well and the submissions are good, I’ll publish one a week. Enjoy! How to Score with a Waitress – Ella Lawrence I was asked out by my last table at The Bistro last night, and although I donot plan
WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in the SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Seduction. Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.”. “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up herhand.
WAITER RANT
My Birthday. Again. by waiter | Jun 1, 2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) THINGS REFUSE TO BE MISMANAGED LONG Things Refuse to Be Mismanaged Long. On a stormy day a while back an old woman came into my office and gave me a donation. “You do good work here,” she said, slipping me twenty, “I wanted to contribute a little bit.”. I knew the woman had lost her husband a few months ago and, judging from her clothes and what little I knew about her, ISTEALING FIRE
There was no way to know. Thousands of faces have flown past me through life – whipping by like glowing embers driven by the firestorm of time. Avid its rush, that reeling blaze! Those sparks can illuminate or burn us, frighten or inspire us, and, every once in a while, set our hearts afire. EX NIHILO - WAITER RANT To be fair, even ‘nothing’ is something. But you’re talking about a nothing that we can’t even comprehend. NO THING .”. “Are you going to talk about God now?”. “Not at all,” I said. “But if you were, as you say, nothing before you were born and, since the difference between nothing and something is an unbridgeable gap, then THE PRIVACY OF SMOKE It’s a crisp winter’s night and I’m strolling though Union Square in Lower Manhattan. I’m supposed to be meeting a friend for dinner but when she texts to say she’s running late I suddenly discover I’ve got forty-five minutes to kill. So I duck into a cigarshop, select a
50 SIGNS YOU'RE WORKING IN A BAD RESTAURANT Anyone who’s ever waited tables knows how hard it is to transition from one restaurant job to another. To help make the process a little smoother I’ve compiled a list of warning signs to help waiters avoid working in dysfunctional shitholes. 1) They hire you the moment you say, “I’m looking for aMOTHER'S DAY GRINCH
I won’t see my own mother on Mother’s Day. I’m breaking a promise I made to myself. I’ll call. She’ll understand. Outside rain gently starts to fall. Cars hiss through wavering streetlamps mirrored in the slick pavement. People run inside. A silence falls on the street. I finish my drink and go home. HOW TO SCORE WITH A WAITRESS This is the first “guest blogger” to be published on Waiter Rant. If all goes well and the submissions are good, I’ll publish one a week. Enjoy! How to Score with a Waitress – Ella Lawrence I was asked out by my last table at The Bistro last night, and although I donot plan
WHO ARE THE WORST TIPPERS? If you’ve ever worked for tips you’ve probably formulated your own, albeit unscientific, conclusions about what kinds of people are bad tippers. Women? Doctors? Wall Street Guys? Republicans? Democrats? Country Club Wasps? African Americans? Latinos? Rich people? Poor people? The young or elderly? Teachers? Canadians? Tell me what you think! Let ‘er rip in the SEDUCTION - WAITER RANT Seduction. Four ladies finish their entrees. After the busgirls clear and crumb the table I bring over the dessert menus. It’s time for me to become the devil. “Ladies,” I say sweetly, “We have some excellent desserts tonight.”. “Oh, nothing for me,” Bubbly Blonde replies. “No dessert,” Severe Brunette says, holding up herhand.
THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSES Picking her up, I kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear. “Don’t worry Natalie,” I said. “We can come back here again one day. There will always be horses for you to ride.”. Her response was to blow snot on my shirt. ‘C’mon,” I said, carrying her back to the stables. “There’s more to see.”.GET THE BOOKS
https://www.facebook.com/waiter.rant. Twitter BAD TIPPERS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD After my daughter started playing soccer on Saturday mornings, we quickly settled into a little routine. As soon as the game is over and the soccer moms and dads finish stowing their foldable living rooms into their SUVs, I take Natalie to Panera’s for breakfast. She always orders a strawberry smoothie. Me? Coffee and a DESERVE’S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Channeling Clint Eastwood, I lanced the man with my thousand-yard stare and said, “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.”. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” I said, turning back to my sandwich. “I’ve only got a few minutes for lunch. Have a nice day.”. I listened to man’s clothes rustle as he slid off his stool, the echoof his
EX NIHILO - WAITER RANT To be fair, even ‘nothing’ is something. But you’re talking about a nothing that we can’t even comprehend. NO THING .”. “Are you going to talk about God now?”. “Not at all,” I said. “But if you were, as you say, nothing before you were born and, since the difference between nothing and something is an unbridgeable gap, thenWAITER RANT
In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses, row on row, That mark our place; and in the sky The larks, still bravely singing, fly Scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the Dead. Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, Loved and wereSENDING FOOD BACK
1. Call the waiter over the moment you realize something’s wrong. 2. Politely but firmly explain why you’re dissatisfied. (Wrong food, undercooked, over cooked, tastes weird.) 3. Say you want your food replaced. 4. You can ask for the same item or a different one. ONE HUNDRED THINGS RESTAURANT STAFFERS SHOULD NEVER DO There was an entry in today’s “You’re the Boss” blog on the New York Times website entitled “One Hundred Things Restaurant Staffers should never do. (Part 1).” Oh man, I just had this rip a new one. My responses are in italics. ONE HUNDRED THINGS RESTAURANT STAFFERS SHOULD NEVER DO By BRUCE BUSCHEL Herewith is aGUEST WAITER
This submission came from Tim – a guy who bussed, hosted, and waited tables at the Jersey Shore. All the chafing from the sand in his shorts must have sent him over the edge! Thanks for sharing Tim! Ten Amazingly Ignorant Customer Quotes While most restaurant patrons are a pleasure to serve, encounters with rude FEAR AND LONELINESS IN LAS VEGAS Fear and Loneliness in Las Vegas. It’s 2:00 AM and I’m looking out my hotel room’s bathroom window while I floss my teeth. As I scrape the gunk out from between my molars I look at the light beam streaking out from the tip of the Luxor Hotel. A cab driver told me that the beam’s intensity was lowered at the request of the FAA, but that* Home
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MY BIRTHDAY. AGAIN.
by waiter | Jun 1,
2021 | Uncategorized “Why don’t we try that French place, Reynard’s?” I asked. “It’s your birthday, my wife said. “We can go wherever you want.” “Reynard’s it is, then.” (Not the restaurant’s real name, but it’s easy to figure out.) To celebrate my fifty-third... BAD TIPPERS IN THE HANDS OF AN ANGRY GOD by waiter | May 18, 2021 | Uncategorized After my daughter started playing soccer on Saturday mornings, we quickly settled into a little routine. As soon as the game is over and the soccer moms and dads finish stowing their foldable living rooms into their SUVs, I take Natalie to Panera’s for breakfast. She... THERE WILL ALWAYS BE HORSESby waiter | May 6,
2021 | Uncategorized After my wife got her second dose of the Pfizer vaccine on Saturday, she told me, “I’m starting to feel like shit. You’ll have to take Natalie horseback riding tomorrow.” “No problem,” I said. “Have you ever ridden a horse?” I had to think about that fora...
DESERVE’S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.by waiter | Apr 9,
2021 | Uncategorized I was eating at a local diner when a man, a busybody if there ever was one, decided to plop down next to me and start asking questions about the food pantry I run. After explaining how every bit of food and money we give away is donated by generous townsfolk, he...SLOW DOWN
by waiter | Feb 22, 2021 | Uncategorized “Steve,” my boss said over the telephone, “Can you come down to my office for a minute?” “Sure thing,” I said, wondering what was up. My boss is a “hands off” type of supervisor. As long as I get my job done, he stays out of my hair – a blessing after yearsof...
TAKE YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM YOUR EYESby waiter | Jul 8,
2020 | Uncategorized “Daddy,” my daughter said. “Is magic real?” “You mean like when a magician pulls a rabbit out of a hat?” “Yes.” “That’s not magic,” I said, “That’s an illusion.” “What’s an illusion?” “Remember how I made that coin...EX NIHILO
by waiter | Mar 9,
2020 | Uncategorized A little while ago, a friend of mine said, “You know what death is like?” “Not having died,” I said. “No.” “Nothing.” “Come again?’ “It’ll just be one big nothing,” he said. “Do you remember what you were like before you were born?” ...STEALING FIRE
by waiter | Dec 12, 2019 | Uncategorized I was huffing and puffing on the Stairmaster at the gym a few weeks ago when I noticed a woman staring at me. In her early forties, she was fit, pretty, and wearing a tight workout garment that accentuated her shapely physique. Since I don’t suffer from the... YOU HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLDby waiter | Nov 7,
2019 | Uncategorized “There’s someone her to see you,” one of my volunteers, said. “Who?” I said, not looking up from my paperwork. “A couple with two kids. They said they need to talk to you.” Even though Christmas is just under two months away, the food pantry I run is already... THE WOLF, THE LAMB, & THE CIGARby waiter | Sep 6,
2019 | Uncategorized I driving to meet a friend at the cigar shop when my stomach started grumbling. Which was odd since I had only eaten dinner an hour before – a healthy meal of baked chicken, brown rice and a gigantic salad. But since I had done an hour of fairly intense cardio after...Older Entries
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