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favourite scene.
HOUSE OF SELF-INDULGENCE: ICED (JEFF KWITNY, 1988) Icicles, animal traps, kitchen knives, bulldozers, hot tubs, and, yes, even ski poles are all used to dispatch yuppies in Iced, a synthesizer-laden, straight-to-video extravaganza with enough snowy twists and turns to confound even the most attentive of horror fans.Of course, just because they're yuppies does not mean that they deserve to be crushed to death by construction equipment. HOUSE OF SELF-INDULGENCE: THE BEAST (WALERIAN BOROWCZYK, 1975) The Beast (Walerian Borowczyk, 1975) The flaps resting on either side of its gaping maw pulsate with a quivering brand of anticipation. Awaiting the inevitable incursion of the shaft-like delivery system bobbing and weaving on the outskirts of its much sought after cranny, it prepares to receive a bountiful dollop of its sticky cargo. HOUSE OF SELF-INDULGENCE: CRUISING (WILLIAM FRIEDKIN, 1980) Taking baby steps, Steve Burns slowly transforms himself into John Forbes, an art student with a thing for black undershirts. Renting an apartment in the West Village, and making friends with his new neighbour, a playwright named Ted ( Don Scardino HOUSE OF SELF-INDULGENCE: WATERPOWER (SHAUN COSTELLO, 1977) Waterpower (Shaun Costello, 1977) Every time the tepid water would start to spew all over the victim's bathtub, this profound sense of relief would wash over me. Relieved that the worst was probably over for the person being forced to have their bowels cleansed at gun point, yet, at the same time, filled with dread over the fact thatsomeone
HOUSE OF SELF-INDULGENCE: MASSACRE IN DINOSAUR VALLEY As I sit down to type words pertaining to my impromptu screening of Massacre in Dinosaur Valley, the Brazil-set jungle adventure film directed by an Italian, Michele Massimo Tarantini of Women in Fury fame, and starring an American, Michael something, the word "upskirt" is bouncing around inside my head like a superball. The reason being, I want to make sure that I remember it as I go forward HOUSE OF SELF-INDULGENCE: NEW WAVE HOOKERS (GREGORY DARK Unashamedly embracing everything that has made the 1980s the shining beacon to all those who desire to be a little less lame in their day-to-day life that is today, New Wave Hookers is the most audacious, most shameless, most stain-covered '80s movie ever made. Fearless when it comes depicting new wave culture gone awry, writer-director Gregory Dark and his crack team of perverts HOUSE OF SELF-INDULGENCE: DESPERATE TEENAGE LOVEDOLLS In order to get in the mood to write about Desperate Teenage Lovedolls (word on the street is, the film was originally titled "Desperate Teenage Runaways," but Kim Fowley, former manager of The Runaways, threatened to sue), I've been listening to "Survive" by The Bags on repeat (and by "repeat," I mean two times in a row).Okay, before you say, "aren't you special," the song is featured in the HOUSE OF SELF-INDULGENCE: FEMALE VAMPIRE (JESS FRANCO, 1973) The medical examiner, Dr. Roberts ( Jess Franco ), tries tell the inspector in charge of the case that a vampire with a taste for spunk-based spillage is the culprit, but he dismisses his findings as pure poppycock. What Jack Taylor's character is up to still skip to main | skip to sidebar MONDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2019 THE AMATEURS (USAMA ALSHAIBI, 2003) I don't remember François Truffautor Karen Finley
being mentioned in any of Ed Powers ' depressing Dirty Debutantes movies. But then again, I haven't seen all that many (THANK GOD!!!!!). I can see a wall of pornographic videotapes at one of the many adult video retailers I accidentally walked into over and over again back in the day. The innocent faces of the women peering back at me from the cover boxes. Sadness mixed with shame. A boatload of regret. If I remember correctly, the guy behind the counter reeked ofhot dogs and rape.
I think there was a screening room at the back... there was a curtain... so, I couldn't see what was going on... but I recall hearing a lot of moaning. People eat Ethiopian food at an Ethiopian restaurant in that locationnowadays.
I wonder if they realize the walls are encrusted with at least twenty years worth of failure-tinged jizz as they make their order. So, yeah, Usama Alshaibi's The Amateurspays
tribute to/mocks/ridicules/celebrates the pathetic hilariousness thatis amateur porn.
It opens with two would be performers being interviewed by a director.When Camilla Ha
(as Mini Chang) name-drops Karen Finley (the mom from You Killed MeFirst
),
I relaxed immediately. The conversation that follows is funny and stupid simultaneously. The guy in the wig won't perform unless a fish is produced... the director doesn't have any fish... he demands that the two potential performers get with "the suck and the fuck.""We don't do kink."
The next interview is depressing. Uh, yeah. I don't want to talk aboutit.
Spoiler alert: "Princess" injured her eye with a pool cue while drinking moonshine. lol Reluctant to perform with a woman with one eye... the director tries to convince his non-dashing male lead that it's okay by telling him that: "Not everyone has two eyes." When the non-dashing male lead offers to warm up the speculum he's been instructed to insert into Princess' pussy, I nearly lost it. Soromantic!
Next up is Echo and Coco... Um, the wide-eyed Echo needs to take a shit and Coco's filthy white t-shirt gave me a pseudo yeast infection. Hi, Billy and Kalyx... thanks... bye! Worst annilingus ever! Yay! Woo-hoo! I'm done with the Solar Anus Cinema collection. 🎉 I managed to type words about every single one of them. Of course, I didn't have to... but, in a way, I did. And I'm beaming with misguided pride. What I think I learned is that, um, porn is gay, and that Ukrainian women and sort of Ukrainian women need our support (now more than ever). Now, who wants to order Ethiopian, er, I mean, Thai food? Overstated Nonsense Posted by Yum-Yum at 9:56 PM1 Comments
Labels: before i die i'm gonna fuck me a fish,
i'm against racism and gold jewelry,
my bitterness tastes like a painful migraine,
smooth to the touch
,
Solar Anus Cinema
,
Usama Alshaibi
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2019 GASH (USAMA ALSHAIBI, 2008) Always writhing, always opening their oral cavities in ways that areclearly unorthodox.
This is Gash
... and there
is a gash.
It's on Katinka 's
pelvis.
It's pretty infected...The gash, that is.
Wait. Is that a dental mouth opener? "It's all relative to the size of your steeple."Cool.
You know what else is cool? (Your legs encased in black stockings?) Well, yeah. But I was thinking about... "Gashed Senses and Crossfire" by Front Line Assembly. At any rate, I love it when Usama Alshaibiuses props in his
movies.
Do you remember that knife from Slaughtered Pigtails?
I was comforted by its appearance, as it was something I could relateto.
Well, I felt the same way about the dental mouth opener. The dental mouth opener caused Katinka to lose control of her saliva. And since I like saliva... I nodded approvingly. I think there's only one more of these things left. Overstated Nonsense Posted by Yum-Yum at 9:44 PM2 Comments
Labels: cantankerous carcinogens invade my spiritual isthmus,
don't date rape
,
mother's belly is bleeding,
prod me seductively with your insolence,
Solar Anus Cinema
,
Usama Alshaibi
,
you need every kind of ointment WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2019 ORGAN MOLLY (USAMA ALSHAIBI, 2008) I just watched Molly Plunk lounge irregularly on a mattress to organmusic.
ORGAN is an HOMONYM
Molly has organs but they're inside her body for the duration of thisfilm.
Just in case her skin fails to prevent her organs from spilling out, she has in·gen·ious·ly chosen to encase her lower half in multiplepairs of pantyhose.
Quirky fun-fact: Whenever I used to type the word "pantyhose," a wave of perversion would wash over my aura like a shame-soaked tsunami. But nowadays I can type "pantyhose" with a buttery ease. Isn't that interesting? (It's on the cusp of being interesting. Meaning, it's sort ofinteresting)
Anyway, Molly seems to be having fun... you know, with the semi-nakedwrithing and all.
It's like a peep show loop from 1969/1970. But with delusions ofartfulness.
Word on the street is that Molly was paid in burritos to be in thisfilm.
One burrito at the beginning of filming, another burrito uponcompletion.
Truth be told, I spent the bulk of the film trying to imagine how severe Molly's future hysterectomy scar is going to be. Overstated Nonsense Posted by Yum-Yum at 9:38 PM0 Comments
Labels: exfoliate with a brown sugar scrub,
smear bodily fluids over my altar,
Solar Anus Cinema
,
throw rotten fruit in the nearest sewer,
Usama Alshaibi
,
your mind is lacking in every possible way imaginable SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2019 RUNAWAY (USAMA ALSHAIBI, 2008) A young naked woman dances sheepishly in the dark to dark ambient music (with Del Shannon undertones). A light shines on her occasionally. This light seems to make her even more sheepish. The film is called Runaway... and I
guess the sheepish dancer at the center of it is trapped in some kind of shadowy nightmare world. I'm also guessing that the people in charge of this nightmare world are forcing her to perform in order to foster the sexual arousal of total strangers. Overstated Nonsense Posted by Yum-Yum at 9:34 PM0 Comments
Labels: every aspect of her existence was criticized to the point ofexhaustion
,
her slender testicles glow in the dark,
Solar Anus Cinema
,
they lie in wait... ready to destroy the witless,
Usama Alshaibi
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2019 PATIENT (USAMA ALSHAIBI, 2008)Naked woman? ✅
Naked woman wearing a bandage? ✅Writhing? ✅
Couch? ✅
Torn black knee-high stockings? ✅Bongo music? ✅
A shot of the sky to increase the profundity factor? ✅Um❓❓❓❓
🐌🐌🐌🐌 I think that covers everything 🐌🐌🐌🐌 Overstated Nonsense Posted by Yum-Yum at 9:31 PM1 Comments
Labels: no explanation for the injuries they suffer,
proper taint maintenance is going to be a top priority of myadministration
,
Solar Anus Cinema
,
Usama Alshaibi
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