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HEY EPIPHORA

Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018. How I know squirting is real (and also not pee) Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide. Banter. Banter. Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and

True

SEX TOY REVIEWS

The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites. SEX TOY GIVEAWAYS: FREE SEX TOYS FOR YOU! In the past I have also given away bunches of self-thrusting toys, the best wand vibrator, several wooden dildos and a wooden butt plug, a custom silicone dildo, tons of gift cards, swanky glass dildos, the best G-spot toy on earth, a luxurious dual-density dildo, porn DVDs, BUZZY VS. RUMBLY: THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF A VIBRATOR The majority of sex toys fall on the buzzy end of the spectrum, especially battery-operated ones. Buzzy vibrations are surface-level, shallow, even sharp at times. Sometimes you can hear them more than you can feel them, and they tend to have a grating high-pitched timbre, like a bee zipping by.They’re the kind of vibrations that can cause temporary numbness, and with it, something even

THE DUAL ORGASM

REVIEW: TINY DILDOS

Unlike the others, they are not modeled after any of the typically-sized dildos the company makes — which is a bit of a marketing fail if you ask me. Tiny dildos should cause a yearning for their larger doppelgangers, but these do not. Nor do they cause a yearning for flesh-and-blood dicks. (Although, to be fair, not much makes me crave those.) WHY I DON'T LIKE STRAPLESS STRAP-ON DILDOS The ShareVibe was the only dildo we tried that was actually worse in a harness. Threaded through the Joque’ s O-ring, the curve of its shaft became so severe (“it’s gonna penetrate my own bellybutton!”) that most positions were uncomfortable — even impossible — for the receiver. Aerie was on top of me on the couch, normally a favorable position, and they had to lean into me to MY VAGINA IS A BLACK HOLE: HOW I LEARNED TO LOVE A few weeks ago, I dusted the literal dust off a 2″-thick hunk of stainless steel, put on some porn, held a vibe to my clit, and easily slipped the big end of the 2.75-pound dildo into my vagina.. Every so often, I check to make sure this is true. I am always slightly surprised when it is, REVIEW: VIXEN CREATIONS MAVERICK DILDO Maverick’s shaft is slightly curved, but it straightens out when held by the base. The base can also function as a suction cup, and it works astoundingly well. Like some Vixen Creations toys, Maverick comes in a plastic tube. Despite its large size, Maverick is definitely a realistic dildo, all the way down to the pee hole and

skin texture.

HEY EPIPHORA

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SEX TOY REVIEWS

THE DUAL ORGASM

REVIEW: TINY DILDOS

skin texture.

REVIEW: WE-VIBE TOUCH X + TANGO X VIBRATORS Stuff that folks tended to forgive because it gave them such stupefying pleasure. The most important “under the hood” change to the Tango/Touch X is the battery. It is now a lithium-ion battery, the same one used in We-Vibe’s other products. Fingers crossed, but it should give the toys a longer and more reliable life. REVIEW: PUSSY A GO GO Review: Pussy a Go Go. Pussy a Go Go is a fake documentary about a traveling burlesque carnival show — or, rather, the (often sexual) exploits that go on behind the scenes. It is stuffed with interviews, hilarious character names, psychedelic video effects, and rambunctious music, all edited together into a fast-paced conglomeration REVIEW: ZUMIO X RECHARGEABLE CLITORAL VIBRATOR Realize, as well, that the Zumio X makes literally every other sex toy seem gigantic. While other toys vibrate my clit and the surrounding area (yes, even pinpoint ones), the Zumio X hones in on my clit like the macro setting on a camera.When switching to or from another clitoral toy, my brain needs a few minutes to re-calibrate — a testament to just how different the Zumio X feels. PEEK INSIDE MY SEX TOY STORAGE Peek inside my sex toy storage. I know you wanna creep. Let me help you. I already told you about my awesome plastic storage drawers, but y’all are creepers, so I figured you’d want to snoop inside the actual drawers. When I attempted to organize my toys into these drawers, I wasn’t sure how to go about it. I didn’t want to

organize

REVIEW: NJOY PURE PLUGS (MEDIUM AND LARGE) SheVibe graciously sent me both the medium and large Pure Plugs, so I could compare. I didn’t ask for the small one, because my ass is too much of a boss for such folly. Each is slightly longer, wider, and heavier than the one before it, with the large clocking in MY VAGINA IS A BLACK HOLE: HOW I LEARNED TO LOVE A few weeks ago, I dusted the literal dust off a 2″-thick hunk of stainless steel, put on some porn, held a vibe to my clit, and easily slipped the big end of the 2.75-pound dildo into my vagina.. Every so often, I check to make sure this is true. I am always slightly surprised when it is, REVIEW: EROSCILLATOR OSCILLATING SEX TOY I. Examining the contents. I was sent the Top Deluxe Ultimate Combo, which is the ultimate package of all things Eroscillator.It includes the Eroscillator 2 Top Deluxe (which has 35% more power than the Eroscillator 2 Plus) and all available attachments. The combo also includes a plastic storage bag 2, a manual, a DVD, and a delicious one-year REVIEW: JIMMYJANE RUMBLE SEAT VIBRATING SEX CHAIR The orgasms I have from it are good. Yes. Fine. I’ll give you that. As an AC-powered device, the Rumble Seat is a powerful beast, capable of resonating through my whole genital complex, and there’s a certain thrill in achieving a hands-free orgasm.But the orgasms are also followed by me struggling to peel myself off the seat, my knees pocked with debris, my thighs itchy, my body sore. TO ALL THE MEN WANTING TO TALK THEIR WIVES INTO SEX TOYS To all the men wanting to talk their wives into sex toys You can’t simply come home one night with a sack of vibrators and a glint in

your eye.

REVIEW: TRISTAN TAORMINO'S EXPERT GUIDE TO ANAL PLEASURE First, Penny’s pornstar fingernails have to be dealt with, so Tristan puts tufts of cottonball in each finger of a pair of gloves. Penny starts slowly fingering Devin’s ass while Tristan talks to her about relaxation and build up.

HEY EPIPHORA

True

SEX TOY REVIEWS

THE DUAL ORGASM

I have discovered it: orgasmic utopia. It first happened on October 5th; I wrote, “I have discovered the dual, synchronized orgasm.G-spot and clitoral at the same time. Life will never be the same.” I can’t think of a fancy name for it, and dual is just what it is. Annie Sprinkle calls it a “combination-gasm.”One of my Twitter followers offered, “I’d call it a miracle!” REVIEW: L'AMOUROSE ROSA AND ROSA ROUGE VIBRATORS The Rosa comes in two versions: the original ($180) and the Rosa Rouge (a heated version — $240). First notable thing: these toys are really fucking expensive. $180 for a rechargeable insertable toy is unusual enough, 1 and tacking on $60 for the heating element is nearing highway robbery. With no track record of manufacturing quality REVIEW: WE-VIBE TOUCH X + TANGO X VIBRATORS Stuff that folks tended to forgive because it gave them such stupefying pleasure. The most important “under the hood” change to the Tango/Touch X is the battery. It is now a lithium-ion battery, the same one used in We-Vibe’s other products. Fingers crossed, but it should give the toys a longer and more reliable life. BUZZY VS. RUMBLY: THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF A VIBRATOR The majority of sex toys fall on the buzzy end of the spectrum, especially battery-operated ones. Buzzy vibrations are surface-level, shallow, even sharp at times. Sometimes you can hear them more than you can feel them, and they tend to have a grating high-pitched timbre, like a bee zipping by.They’re the kind of vibrations that can cause temporary numbness, and with it, something even STRONIC » HEY EPIPHORA A line of sex toys from Fun Factory characterized by their unique back-and-forth thrusting motion. My fave is the Stronic G, followed by the Stronic Surf. I hate the Bi Stronic Fusion.

REVIEW: TINY DILDOS

HEY EPIPHORA

True

SEX TOY REVIEWS

THE DUAL ORGASM

REVIEW: TINY DILDOS

Unlike the others, they are not modeled after any of the typically-sized dildos the company makes — which is a bit of a marketing fail if you ask me. Tiny dildos should cause a yearning for their larger doppelgangers, but these do not. Nor do they cause a yearning for flesh-and-blood dicks. (Although, to be fair, not much makes me crave those.) WHY I DON'T LIKE STRAPLESS STRAP-ON DILDOS The ShareVibe was the only dildo we tried that was actually worse in a harness. Threaded through the Joque’ s O-ring, the curve of its shaft became so severe (“it’s gonna penetrate my own bellybutton!”) that most positions were uncomfortable — even impossible — for the receiver. Aerie was on top of me on the couch, normally a favorable position, and they had to lean into me to REVIEW: WE-VIBE TOUCH X + TANGO X VIBRATORS Stuff that folks tended to forgive because it gave them such stupefying pleasure. The most important “under the hood” change to the Tango/Touch X is the battery. It is now a lithium-ion battery, the same one used in We-Vibe’s other products. Fingers crossed, but it should give the toys a longer and more reliable life. PEEK INSIDE MY SEX TOY STORAGE Peek inside my sex toy storage. I know you wanna creep. Let me help you. I already told you about my awesome plastic storage drawers, but y’all are creepers, so I figured you’d want to snoop inside the actual drawers. When I attempted to organize my toys into these drawers, I wasn’t sure how to go about it. I didn’t want to

organize

MY VAGINA IS A BLACK HOLE: HOW I LEARNED TO LOVE A few weeks ago, I dusted the literal dust off a 2″-thick hunk of stainless steel, put on some porn, held a vibe to my clit, and easily slipped the big end of the 2.75-pound dildo into my vagina.. Every so often, I check to make sure this is true. I am always slightly surprised when it is, REVIEW: PUSSY A GO GO Review: Pussy a Go Go. Pussy a Go Go is a fake documentary about a traveling burlesque carnival show — or, rather, the (often sexual) exploits that go on behind the scenes. It is stuffed with interviews, hilarious character names, psychedelic video effects, and rambunctious music, all edited together into a fast-paced conglomeration REVIEW: NJOY PURE PLUGS (MEDIUM AND LARGE) SheVibe graciously sent me both the medium and large Pure Plugs, so I could compare. I didn’t ask for the small one, because my ass is too much of a boss for such folly. Each is slightly longer, wider, and heavier than the one before it, with the large clocking in REVIEW: WAHL ALL-BODY MASSAGER VIBRATOR The Wahl is easily lost in the shuffle — usually only mentioned in the same breath as the Hitachi as another once-innocent body massager that has been perverted. But since the Hitachi has been more universally perverted, the Wahl tends to be forgotten. Now that I have tried the Wahl, I feel that this is a grave injustice. UM, NO: "HOW TO MAKE A HOMEMADE DILDO" A new use for toilet paper rolls. How very creepy the term “anal beads” can sound when applied to frozen water. A quite compelling argument for why making ice dildos for your lady is super-duper chivalrous. “Spice is the, uh, variety of life.”. What will easily become your new mantra: “wet ’em before you use ’em.”. REVIEW: VIXEN CREATIONS MAVERICK DILDO Maverick’s shaft is slightly curved, but it straightens out when held by the base. The base can also function as a suction cup, and it works astoundingly well. Like some Vixen Creations toys, Maverick comes in a plastic tube. Despite its large size, Maverick is definitely a realistic dildo, all the way down to the pee hole and

skin texture.

REVIEW: JIMMYJANE RUMBLE SEAT VIBRATING SEX CHAIR The orgasms I have from it are good. Yes. Fine. I’ll give you that. As an AC-powered device, the Rumble Seat is a powerful beast, capable of resonating through my whole genital complex, and there’s a certain thrill in achieving a hands-free orgasm.But the orgasms are also followed by me struggling to peel myself off the seat, my knees pocked with debris, my thighs itchy, my body sore. REVIEW: TRISTAN TAORMINO'S EXPERT GUIDE TO ANAL PLEASURE First, Penny’s pornstar fingernails have to be dealt with, so Tristan puts tufts of cottonball in each finger of a pair of gloves. Penny starts slowly fingering Devin’s ass while Tristan talks to her about relaxation and build up.

SEX TOY REVIEWS

The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites. REVIEW: L'AMOUROSE ROSA AND ROSA ROUGE VIBRATORS The Rosa comes in two versions: the original ($180) and the Rosa Rouge (a heated version — $240). First notable thing: these toys are really fucking expensive. $180 for a rechargeable insertable toy is unusual enough, 1 and tacking on $60 for the heating element is nearing highway robbery. With no track record of manufacturing quality SEX TOY GIVEAWAYS: FREE SEX TOYS FOR YOU! In the past I have also given away bunches of self-thrusting toys, the best wand vibrator, several wooden dildos and a wooden butt plug, a custom silicone dildo, tons of gift cards, swanky glass dildos, the best G-spot toy on earth, a luxurious dual-density dildo, porn DVDs,

THE DUAL ORGASM

I have discovered it: orgasmic utopia. It first happened on October 5th; I wrote, “I have discovered the dual, synchronized orgasm.G-spot and clitoral at the same time. Life will never be the same.” I can’t think of a fancy name for it, and dual is just what it is. Annie Sprinkle calls it a “combination-gasm.”One of my Twitter followers offered, “I’d call it a miracle!” REVIEW: ZUMIO X RECHARGEABLE CLITORAL VIBRATOR Realize, as well, that the Zumio X makes literally every other sex toy seem gigantic. While other toys vibrate my clit and the surrounding area (yes, even pinpoint ones), the Zumio X hones in on my clit like the macro setting on a camera.When switching to or from another clitoral toy, my brain needs a few minutes to re-calibrate — a testament to just how different the Zumio X feels. REVIEW: WAHL ALL-BODY MASSAGER VIBRATOR The Wahl is easily lost in the shuffle — usually only mentioned in the same breath as the Hitachi as another once-innocent body massager that has been perverted. But since the Hitachi has been more universally perverted, the Wahl tends to be forgotten. Now that I have tried the Wahl, I feel that this is a grave injustice. REVIEW: WHIPSPIDER RUBBERWORKS JELLYFISH DILDO The smallest of movements are enough to appreciate the intense texture. The veins are unique on all sides, so spinning it is another option. My secret trick is to use a bigger, smoother toy first, then switch to the Jellyfish — then I can handle and appreciate the insanity. I own a couple other Whipspider Rubberworks toys, but this

is the

BUZZY VS. RUMBLY: THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF A VIBRATOR The majority of sex toys fall on the buzzy end of the spectrum, especially battery-operated ones. Buzzy vibrations are surface-level, shallow, even sharp at times. Sometimes you can hear them more than you can feel them, and they tend to have a grating high-pitched timbre, like a bee zipping by.They’re the kind of vibrations that can cause temporary numbness, and with it, something even REVIEW: FUN FACTORY BIG BOSS G5 SILICONE VIBRATOR The Fun Factory Big Boss is seriously orange. Across the room, day-glo, Manic Panic, atomic, toxic waste orange.Of course, that was a big reason I wanted it. I love that Fun Factory d-d-d-does have the guts to make their toys in off-beat, unpopular colors. But it was the combination of the orange + the girth + the G-spotting head that really called out to me. REVIEW: TRISTAN TAORMINO'S EXPERT GUIDE TO ANAL PLEASURE First, Penny’s pornstar fingernails have to be dealt with, so Tristan puts tufts of cottonball in each finger of a pair of gloves. Penny starts slowly fingering Devin’s ass while Tristan talks to her about relaxation and build up.

SEX TOY REVIEWS

The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites. REVIEW: L'AMOUROSE ROSA AND ROSA ROUGE VIBRATORS The Rosa comes in two versions: the original ($180) and the Rosa Rouge (a heated version — $240). First notable thing: these toys are really fucking expensive. $180 for a rechargeable insertable toy is unusual enough, 1 and tacking on $60 for the heating element is nearing highway robbery. With no track record of manufacturing quality SEX TOY GIVEAWAYS: FREE SEX TOYS FOR YOU! In the past I have also given away bunches of self-thrusting toys, the best wand vibrator, several wooden dildos and a wooden butt plug, a custom silicone dildo, tons of gift cards, swanky glass dildos, the best G-spot toy on earth, a luxurious dual-density dildo, porn DVDs,

THE DUAL ORGASM

I have discovered it: orgasmic utopia. It first happened on October 5th; I wrote, “I have discovered the dual, synchronized orgasm.G-spot and clitoral at the same time. Life will never be the same.” I can’t think of a fancy name for it, and dual is just what it is. Annie Sprinkle calls it a “combination-gasm.”One of my Twitter followers offered, “I’d call it a miracle!” REVIEW: ZUMIO X RECHARGEABLE CLITORAL VIBRATOR Realize, as well, that the Zumio X makes literally every other sex toy seem gigantic. While other toys vibrate my clit and the surrounding area (yes, even pinpoint ones), the Zumio X hones in on my clit like the macro setting on a camera.When switching to or from another clitoral toy, my brain needs a few minutes to re-calibrate — a testament to just how different the Zumio X feels. REVIEW: WAHL ALL-BODY MASSAGER VIBRATOR The Wahl is easily lost in the shuffle — usually only mentioned in the same breath as the Hitachi as another once-innocent body massager that has been perverted. But since the Hitachi has been more universally perverted, the Wahl tends to be forgotten. Now that I have tried the Wahl, I feel that this is a grave injustice. REVIEW: WHIPSPIDER RUBBERWORKS JELLYFISH DILDO The smallest of movements are enough to appreciate the intense texture. The veins are unique on all sides, so spinning it is another option. My secret trick is to use a bigger, smoother toy first, then switch to the Jellyfish — then I can handle and appreciate the insanity. I own a couple other Whipspider Rubberworks toys, but this

is the

THE DUAL ORGASM

I have discovered it: orgasmic utopia. It first happened on October 5th; I wrote, “I have discovered the dual, synchronized orgasm.G-spot and clitoral at the same time. Life will never be the same.” I can’t think of a fancy name for it, and dual is just what it is. Annie Sprinkle calls it a “combination-gasm.”One of my Twitter followers offered, “I’d call it a miracle!” REVIEW: LELO IDA RECHARGEABLE COUPLES' VIBRATOR I asked what he thought it cost. He said $125. Good guess. But he was under by $75. Yes, this little nightmare costs $200. (You can get one without a remote, called Tara, for the low low price of $150.). Again, it comes down to marketing. Solo, without any added dildos, 1 it actually feels good. Not $200-good, not by any means.But the rotation is mild — ranging from one rotation every 2 REVIEW: IGINO ONE VIBRATOR The LELO Mia ($85) remains the best self-contained USB-rechargeable vibrator. The Wahl ($15) is the best, cheapest STRONG vibrator, and its gumdrop-shaped tip is similar to the iGino’s. The Eroscillator ($140) doesn’t feel like a finger, but the marshmallow attachment is squishy and the oscillating stimulation is unique. REVIEW: ZUMIO X RECHARGEABLE CLITORAL VIBRATOR Realize, as well, that the Zumio X makes literally every other sex toy seem gigantic. While other toys vibrate my clit and the surrounding area (yes, even pinpoint ones), the Zumio X hones in on my clit like the macro setting on a camera.When switching to or from another clitoral toy, my brain needs a few minutes to re-calibrate — a testament to just how different the Zumio X feels. REVIEW: FUN FACTORY VOLTA RECHARGEABLE VIBRATOR » HEY Of course, the Volta ’s motor deserves at least 50% of the credit, or possibly more like 70%. The shape would be worthless if not backed by Fun Factory’s deeply rumbly G5 motor. There are 6 vibration intensities, from a low purr to a powerful thrumming, and the firm clicky buttons are easy to master. It comes in teal, pink, and an

amazing

opinion).

PORN, DEGRADATION, AND KHAN TUSION I had a situation where I met Khan Tusion, the guy from Meat Holes . I was twenty. And he tried to strangle me. This was not even on camera. This was like him strangling me in a bathroom somewhere. And it was terrible. And I thought, “Oh my god, I’m gonna be murdered, this sucks. REVIEW: JIMMYJANE RUMBLE SEAT VIBRATING SEX CHAIR The orgasms I have from it are good. Yes. Fine. I’ll give you that. As an AC-powered device, the Rumble Seat is a powerful beast, capable of resonating through my whole genital complex, and there’s a certain thrill in achieving a hands-free orgasm.But the orgasms are also followed by me struggling to peel myself off the seat, my knees pocked with debris, my thighs itchy, my body sore. Shops that need support most during COVID: brick and mortars such as

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She Bop , and Smitten

Kitten

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HI, I’M PIPH , AND I HAVE A VERY DISCERNING VAGINA. Not something you hear often, is it? But it’s true: for over a

decade ,

I’ve been testing sex toys and writing about them on the internet. Highly trusted and well-known for my snarky yet authentic sex toy

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been called “the Samantha Bee of our nether regions.” Welcome to Hey Epiphora, where the lube flows like wine

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REVIEW: DAME KIP AND POM

November 15, 2020

Sometimes companies surprise you. When Dame hit the scene with their zealously-crowdfunded initial effort, the “hands-free” labia-clinging Eva, I pegged them as a company that would focus more on (heterosexual) fantasy than consumer reality. “You know it’s bad when abstinence starts to sound appealing,” I famously stated in my review, going for the jugular after the toy fell off my vulva for the millionth time. I figured I’d burned that bridge and would likely never work with Dame again. Then ... Keep Reading

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SEX TOY SURVIVAL KITS FOR THE APOCALYPSE WINNERS!

November 1, 2020

Somehow it’s November already, and with it comes the conclusion of my sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse giveaway. Will the actual apocalypse happen this week? Who knows! We’ll... Keep Reading

Giveaways

GIVEAWAY: SEX TOY SURVIVAL KITS FOR THE APOCALYPSE

October 9, 2020

2020 is not the year we ordered. We’ve spent almost 7 months in quarantine, and now we’re heading into a precarious election that may lead to the collapse of society... Keep Reading

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Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer WHERE VIBRATORS ARE BORN: MY TRIP TO FUN FACTORY IN BREMEN, GERMANY!

September 25, 2020

Fun Factory has been a trailblazer in the sex toy industry since their inception. They utilized silicone from the get-go, never trifling with inferior materials. Their designs weren’t cookie-cutter or... Keep

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REVIEW: ZUMIO E

July 29, 2020

The tiniest tip ever to wiggle against my clit has morphed once again. It’s called the Zumio E, and it’s the third Zumio release, after the original Zumio X and... Keep Reading

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Favorite sex toys EVER I’ve put hundreds of things on/in/around my genitals, so it means a lot to make it here. REVIEW: SMOOTH OPERATORS (SNAZZY, CHOOSY, AND CLASSY)

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I’m sure my writing teachers are very proud. REVIEW: CERAMIX NO. 4 I wanted to feel the sensation of water sloshing in my vagina. Like the refreshing feeling of wading into the ocean. Like the satisfaction of tilting... Keep Reading MY LOVE, THE PURE WAND (+ A FEW TIPS!) You have come here wondering if the njoy Pure Wand is deserving of its legendary status. If this parenthesis-shaped pound and a half of medical-grade... Keep Reading WHY I DON’T LIKE STRAPLESS STRAP-ON DILDOS I’ve never thought strapless strap-on dildos were the second coming of Christ. Let’s start there. I have my Joque harness, I have well-loved strap-on dildos,... Keep Reading

REVIEW: PURE PLUGS

I could’ve written a review for the njoy Pure Plugs before ever putting a single one in my ass. Of course, I would never do... Keep

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MOVIE NIGHT: THE GIRL NEXT DOOR If you ever need proof of what a little shit I was as a teenager, look no further than the 2-star review of The Girl Next Door that...

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REVIEW: CUPCAKE

This sex toy is everything I hate. Cutesy. Twee. Pink. Girly. Symbolic. I want to chuck it into a river. So why am I reviewing it? Oh, I... Keep Reading browse my greatest hits__

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