DEAR WENDY — A RELATIONSHIP ADVICE SITEADVICEABOUTARCHIVESCATEGORIESSUPPORT DWCONTACT A relationship advice site. I don’t know about you, but as the season changes, the school year – this awful, stressful school year – finally starts drawing to a close (31 days to go here in NYC), and life once again begins to return to something resembling normal, I feel my mood lift and my energy shift. HOW FAR WOULD/DID YOU GO ON A FIRST DATE? This column from earlier in the week prompted some thoughts about how far people are going in the first couple of dates. (It also prompted at least one person to leave the site for good, but that’s another story.) The LW didn’t kiss on the first date, and we can assume from her letter and her update, that that’s probably normal for her.. Obviously, she was thrown for a loop when her date “MY BOYFRIEND TREATS HIS DAUGHTER LIKE SHE IS HIS GIRLFRIEND” So, he is either in the me phase or in the daughter phase. In short, he treats his 18-year-old daughter like a girlfriend (minus the sexual side of it, which he doesn’t feel – believe me, I checked all the signs). I confronted him about this, and he went to therapy. But the therapist blah-blah-blah’d about dealing with divorce and didn “AFTER 40 YEARS, I CAN’T STAND MY HUSBAND” “domestic science” used to be a real thing! although i like “domestic art”. and fun fact: “domestic science” is the way that women were first allowed into science. the first female graduate of MIT was admitted under the idea of domestic science. she was allowed to study chemistry because she was a woman studying how to

clean better.

MORNING QUICKIE: “MY HUSBAND WANTS TO MOVE, BUT I DON’T” Morning Quickie: “My Husband Wants to Move, But I Don’t”. I have been married twelve years and my husband is the stepfather of my now adult children. I adore my kids. But my husband wants to move up north to a warmer all-year-round climate. He is much older than I am and I am a young person by nature and I love young people. “CAN I SKIP MY NIECE’S WEDDING?” I am torn about whether to attend my 30-year-old old niece’s wedding. I love her very much and I’ve always figured I would attend all of my niece’s and nephew’s weddings. I’ve always loved children and, since we don’t have any, I’ve tried to spend as much time as possible with them. Some history: When “MY FRIEND BECAME A LIBERAL AND NOW REFUSES TO TALK TO ME” I’ve been very close friends with both “Molly” and “Sarah” for over fifteen years. Sarah is married to Molly’s brother, so they are both friends and sisters-in-law. We are very close to each other and with each others’ families. About two years ago, Molly moved

away to a

“I HAD SEX WITH HIM AND NOW HE’S GHOSTING ME” I’m not sure either of these scenarios was the case for you, but that doesn’t mean you’re doomed at this point. Here’s what you should do: Be direct in your communication with the guy. Tell him you’ve noticed that he’s been less responsive recently and you

were wondering if

“MY NEW BOYFRIEND IS MAD THAT MY MALE ROOMMATES SEE ME … I’ve lived with my two guy friends for about two and a half years. They’re my best friends in the world, and although we argue and fight sometimes, they’re still my family. We’ve supported each other through everything from broken hearts, to getting fired, to the loss of a parent. When I first moved in SHORTCUTS: “WHY DOES MY EX STILL HAVE PICTURES OF ME ON It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. I have an ex-girlfriend DEAR WENDY — A RELATIONSHIP ADVICE SITEADVICEABOUTARCHIVESCATEGORIESSUPPORT DWCONTACT A relationship advice site. I don’t know about you, but as the season changes, the school year – this awful, stressful school year – finally starts drawing to a close (31 days to go here in NYC), and life once again begins to return to something resembling normal, I feel my mood lift and my energy shift. HOW FAR WOULD/DID YOU GO ON A FIRST DATE? This column from earlier in the week prompted some thoughts about how far people are going in the first couple of dates. (It also prompted at least one person to leave the site for good, but that’s another story.) The LW didn’t kiss on the first date, and we can assume from her letter and her update, that that’s probably normal for her.. Obviously, she was thrown for a loop when her date “MY BOYFRIEND TREATS HIS DAUGHTER LIKE SHE IS HIS GIRLFRIEND” So, he is either in the me phase or in the daughter phase. In short, he treats his 18-year-old daughter like a girlfriend (minus the sexual side of it, which he doesn’t feel – believe me, I checked all the signs). I confronted him about this, and he went to therapy. But the therapist blah-blah-blah’d about dealing with divorce and didn “AFTER 40 YEARS, I CAN’T STAND MY HUSBAND” “domestic science” used to be a real thing! although i like “domestic art”. and fun fact: “domestic science” is the way that women were first allowed into science. the first female graduate of MIT was admitted under the idea of domestic science. she was allowed to study chemistry because she was a woman studying how to

clean better.

MORNING QUICKIE: “MY HUSBAND WANTS TO MOVE, BUT I DON’T” Morning Quickie: “My Husband Wants to Move, But I Don’t”. I have been married twelve years and my husband is the stepfather of my now adult children. I adore my kids. But my husband wants to move up north to a warmer all-year-round climate. He is much older than I am and I am a young person by nature and I love young people. “CAN I SKIP MY NIECE’S WEDDING?” I am torn about whether to attend my 30-year-old old niece’s wedding. I love her very much and I’ve always figured I would attend all of my niece’s and nephew’s weddings. I’ve always loved children and, since we don’t have any, I’ve tried to spend as much time as possible with them. Some history: When “MY FRIEND BECAME A LIBERAL AND NOW REFUSES TO TALK TO ME” I’ve been very close friends with both “Molly” and “Sarah” for over fifteen years. Sarah is married to Molly’s brother, so they are both friends and sisters-in-law. We are very close to each other and with each others’ families. About two years ago, Molly moved

away to a

“I HAD SEX WITH HIM AND NOW HE’S GHOSTING ME” I’m not sure either of these scenarios was the case for you, but that doesn’t mean you’re doomed at this point. Here’s what you should do: Be direct in your communication with the guy. Tell him you’ve noticed that he’s been less responsive recently and you

were wondering if

“MY NEW BOYFRIEND IS MAD THAT MY MALE ROOMMATES SEE ME … I’ve lived with my two guy friends for about two and a half years. They’re my best friends in the world, and although we argue and fight sometimes, they’re still my family. We’ve supported each other through everything from broken hearts, to getting fired, to the loss of a parent. When I first moved in SHORTCUTS: “WHY DOES MY EX STILL HAVE PICTURES OF ME ON It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. I have an ex-girlfriend ARCHIVES - DEAR WENDY Archives. ‘A’ is for Awesome, A-A-Awesome. “A Co-Worker’s Girlfriend Is Telling People I’m the Office Slut”. “A Friend Groped My Wife At a New Year’s Party”. “A Man at Church Told Me I Should Be a Geisha”. “After 40 Years, I Can’t Stand My Husband”. “After My Miscarriages, My “MY HUSBAND SPENDS ALL HIS TIME WITH HIS FRIENDS INSTEAD My husband and I have been married two years this coming November and it’s been great! We rarely fight about the things most couples fight about (money, sex) and we don’t have children to fight over (yet)but we do fight about his friends. We live two hours from any of my friends or family, and, “MY BIRTH DAUGHTER FOUND ME, BUT I DON’T WANT TO MEET HER” Put it in a letter. Give it to your husband to give to her when they meet. Let her know that you love her and that, to survive the pain of giving her up 23 years ago, you had to bottle emotions, emotions you are afraid of confronting now. The introduction of your birth daughter to your family now after all these years is a big deal, whether you “I TOLD HIM I LOVE HIM AND HE SAID HE DOESN’T FEEL THE I told him this past weekend that I loved him, and he said he did not feel the same way back. He acts like he does, and everybody around me was completely shocked that he did not say it in return. What I do know is his ex broke up with him a year and a half ago and that was the only person he had ever been close to/loved. “HE’S SLEEPING WITH ME BUT DATING SOMEONE ELSE” First, I’m sorry about the loss of your husband, and I hope you’ve had a good support system as you grieve and re-build your life. Second, your letter is a good reminder, to those of us who don’t yet have the years of experience and wisdom you’ve surely gained, that many of the feelings we have when single and dating are universal, despite age, circumstances, culture, and lifestyle. “I DON’T LIKE MY BOYFRIEND’S DAUGHTER. SHOULD I BREAK UP Should I leave my wonderful boyfriend, “Peter,” (48) because his teenager daughter is so, so difficult? Peter is my best friend and, frankly, the kindest man I have ever met. He’s a fantastic partner who is loving, attentive, very successful, accomplished, “MY WIFE TOLD ME OUR KIDS AREN’T BIOLOGICALLY MINE” In 2003 she got her dream job and, unbeknownst to me, she also met her dream dude at the new job. It was not until 2012 that she finally told me about the relationship (even though I suspected something) but, as she told me about this person. she added that my two kids, ages 3 and 4 at the time, were not biologically mine but the other guy’s. “MY NEIGHBORS KEEP COMPLAINING TO US ABOUT NOISE” From the forums: I live in a two-family home (think two-story row houses) in a big city and I’m having some problems with my upstairs neighbors. My boyfriend and I live in the one-bedroom apartment on the first floor, and a family with two children, 5 SHOULD COUPLES CONSULT EACH OTHER WHEN MAKING TRAVEL PLANS? I posted and replied to this letter in the forums from a 23-year-old woman who was pissed that her boyfriend planned a trip to Israel over NYE without consulting her or considering her. She said a NYE kiss wasn’t important to her boyfriend but it was to her, and she wrote: “He didn’t take my DO ALL GUYS GO TO STRIP CLUBS? Jarek: Ah, the strip club debate — one of many in which men and women will never see eye-to-eye, like picking bathroom tiles or the health benefits of beer. Guys don’t go to strip clubs to fulfill some sort of emotional or sexual gap in their lives. We go because we like seeing naked women and it’s a way to see them without being

intimate.

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OPEN THREAD AND LINKS By: Dear Wendy October 25, 2019

Weekend Open Thread

NEW HERE? Welcome! DEAR WENDY is a relationship advice blog. You can read about me here , peruse the archives here and read popular posts here . You can also follow along

on Facebook

and

Instagram . If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com (be sure to read these guidelines first). Thanks for visiting! Happy Friday! Here are a few things from around the web that may

interest you:

For the record, I _really_ hate #4, but the rest of the tips are pretty good in this How to Start a Conversation

article.

File this in the big _Don’t_ folder: The Pre-wedding Parties Where Couples Charge Admission This Modern Love essay is sweet: Let’s Meet Again in Five Years Asexuality isn’t celibacy or abstinence. Here’s what it is — and

isn’t.

Why Men Should Be More Ladylike _Thank you to those who submitted links for me to include. If you see something around the web you think DW readers would appreciate, please send me a link to wendy@dearwendy.com and, if it’s a fit, I’ll include it in Friday’s round-up. Thanks! Follow along on Facebook,

and

Instagram . _

2 comments

“SHOULD I TELL MY BOYFRIEND THAT MY FRIEND IS TRANS?” By: Dear Wendy October 24, 2019

Columns

_I don’t think this is in your or your readers’ wheelhouse, but you give sound advice so here goes. My friend, “Nick,” is trans (FTM). I’ve only known him as male. He is fairly open about being trans. He has pictures on Facebook pre-transition. He had gender realignment surgery and passes pretty seamlessly. We aren’t super close but we see each other socially once every month or two. My boyfriend of two years, of course, hangs out with my friends. Nick has frequently invited all of us over for game nights, etc. My boyfriend also has only known Nick as male. He doesn’t know that he’s trans, which doesn’t matter except I feel like I’m hiding something from him. Sometimes my friend has said things like how he was a flower girl when he was a kid, and I think my boyfriend has just brushed off these comments or thought Nick was joking. Nick and my boyfriend are not Facebook friends, but it’s just probably because they are basically acquaintances through me rather than because Nick is hiding something.

_

_It’s not my place to tell my boyfriend that Nick is trans. But I also don’t want him to feel like he’s not “in on it.” He sometimes puts his foot in his mouth unintentionally to lighten the mood, and I don’t want him to say something he doesn’t mean without context, even though he is not homophobic or transphobic. That is partly my own insecurity, I admit. I could ask my friend if he’d be ok if I told my boyfriend. I kind of don’t think we are close enough to do that, but maybe it’s my only option. Any advice? — NOT SO TRANSPARENT_

51 comments

WEEKLY FORUM HIGHLIGHTS By: Dear Wendy October 23, 2019 weekly forum highlights This week in the forums we’re discussing: LONG TERM PARTNER WEDDING INVITE SEE HOW I HELPED A LW RE-WRITE HIS DATING PROFILE IN THIS THREAD: HOW DO I PROPERLY COMMUNICATE WITH WOMEN? FEELING LIKE AN OUTSIDER WITH BOYFRIEND AND HIS SON THERE’S AN UPDATE IN THIS THREAD: 6.5 YEARS, NEED ADVICE AND

THOUGHTS!

WIFE KISSED SOMEONE ELSE AND I SAW HONESTY IN DAMAGED RELATIONSHIP Should I keep this friendship? _Follow along on Facebook and

Instagram

._

_If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com._

0 comments

“MY EX’S NEW BOYFRIEND SLEEPS OVER AND IT’S HAVING A NEGATIVE EFFECT ON OUR SON” By: Dear Wendy October 22, 2019

Columns

_Your help and opinion with a concern I have would be greatly appreciated. Is it possible that my 14-year-old son may be exposed to some mental harm as a result of the manner in which he was introduced to his mother’s boyfriend? He tells me of the stress, the discomfort, and the anger he has experienced, but could there be worse things brewing in his 14-year-old brain? Here are the steps taken that seem to be a reckless way to add a new adult — mother’s boyfriend — to his life: 1. Mother verbally informs son she has a boyfriend she wants him to

meet soon.

2. Son makes clear numerous times he does not want to meet her

boyfriend.

3. Three weeks after son is made aware his mother has a boyfriend, mother informs son that her boyfriend will be coming to the house to

meet him.

4. Son argues again he does not want to meet him. 5. Four weeks after mother informs her son she has a boyfriend, mother and boyfriend come in the house and ask son to come upstairs. 6. Son shakes his hand, says “hi,’ and goes back downstairs. 7. Later when boyfriend is gone, mother shows anger toward son for being rude to her boyfriend and then shows admiration toward her boyfriend suggesting son should like him because he’s a good guy. 8. Boyfriend begins visiting the house weekly. 9 Six weeks after mother informs son she has a boyfriend, mother allows boyfriend to sleep over with no communication about sleepover

to son.

9. Son stops having friends to house, leaves house before mother is home, goes to friends’ homes, hangs in parks or fast food places where other teens gather, refuses coming home for dinner, goes to fast food place to eat, or asks dad if he can order Uber Eats.

_

_So, Wendy, would you provide me your thoughts and opinions regarding the sequence of events here that seem to have produced negative behavioural changes in my son? Your feedback to this matter would be greatly appreciated. — CONCERNED DAD_

32 comments

“MY DAD AND HIS WIFE THINK I DON’T TRUST THEM WITH MY DAUGHTER” By: Dear Wendy October 21, 2019

Columns

From the forums

:

_My mom passed away five years ago when I was in my mid-20s, and my dad remarried within a year to a woman I don’t particularly like (nor do my siblings). “Carla” is harmless but obnoxious: loud, bossy, know-it-all, and intrusive (the opposite of my mom and probably the reason my dad ended up with her). They are very involved in activities and traveling. My dad still works part-time and they spend their “free” weekends at his second home in the mountains. Since they’ve married, I have probably seen my dad 10 times a year, mostly at holidays and events (his “home” is 45 minutes from me — he’s just never home). I have a 2-year-old daughter. Both my husband and I work full-time. Over the past year, Carla has started guilting us in a passive-aggressive/“joking” way that we don’t “trust” them to let them watch our daughter: and this past week my dad started using the same language. What THEY want is for us to drive our daughter to his house, drop her off for the day, and then come get her

before bed.

There are a number of problems with what they want. First, I like to spend time with my daughter on the weekends because I barely see her during the week. This time is important to me. Second, logistically, it’s annoying to drive 45 minutes to their house, which is in the middle of nowhere so there is nothing to do around there, and then drive 45 minutes home and do the same thing again to pick her up later. We also need to pack and bring everything with us because they don’t have anything: a pack-n-play, high chair, toys, etc. (They have offered to buy gear, but it’s never actually happened). Also logistically, she doesn’t nap well in other places, and while that sounds minimal… it throws her off completely and she is cranky for days afterwards. Third, they never offer to see her during times when it would actually be convenient or helpful for us — when we had a wedding to attend they were busy, when we want a date night out the only way they want to watch her is if we leave her at their place for the night, and if we have an after-work appointment, we will need to find a sitter. We are constantly paying for babysitters during those times (we don’t have other reliable family close by). Additionally, to be honest, I DON’T fully trust them. My dad did very little to help raise us as children, and while he is “fun” with my daughter, he scares her a little with his loud voice and lack of knowledge of age-appropriate play. And Carla just doesn’t seem to listen to our instructions—-though not for lack of trying; she just doesn’t seem to understand. She’s kind of… ditzy? She just does whatever she thinks in the moment even if it isn’t the way we have asked her to do things. I’m not talking micromanage-y things but instead pertaining to our daughter’s sleep routine, her dinnertime routine, etc). Finally, our girl is a really sensitive person. She is really shy and does not do well with new people. She sees my dad and Carla so infrequently that it honestly seems cruel to just leave her with them for the day without any “warm-up” time. In the past, when we left her with them for a couple hours, she literally cried the

whole time.

So my question is: what do I do? I obviously want my daughter to have a relationship with my dad, but he and Carla make it next to impossible. I’ve told them on countless occasions that I’d really rather we all met together and did an activity together, or they could watch her here at our house where it would make it less stressful for her (and she’d nap) and without us having to drive and pack things. They continue to feel like we are denying them time with her and that we don’t trust them. I’ve now heard from my sister (who has a 1-year-old and similar problems with them) that they are telling her that we don’t trust them. Do I just suck it up and let them watch her on their terms once to get them off my back? Or tell them my conditions and if they don’t like them, then that’s their problem? My dad does NOT handle confrontation well, and Carla takes it as a personal attack and it becomes a huge problem. I’m worried that no matter what I do it’s going to be an issue, and I can never just talk to my dad about it because she involves herself (and my dad allows and encourages it because he doesn’t want to have to deal

with it).

I wish this hadn’t become some kind of ownership issue over my daughter. I don’t know why they want her “away” so badly.

_

_Thanks for any input. — NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE_

31 comments

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