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COOLPEPPERMINT
A gaggle of ducks are all ducked into their chests, sleeping, napping, silhouettes in the night. The reflections of the townhome blur by the lake. The lights are fuzzy. Thick rings. We walk, side by side, by the lamps and the townhome. We take our usual route by ITCHING – COOLPEPPERMINT 53 minutes ago · It's comforting. Being here. Familiar scenes and sounds of summer. I feel waves and waves of nostalgia. Warm fullness, oak wood. It's nice. It makes me want to do things like watch Perks of Being a Wallflower. I never watched the movie, but I read the book, and despite being maybe 12 or EVERYBODY (MOSTLY ME) WANTS TO BE A CAT Dear Pillotsky (my imaginary cat), I downloaded Tetris on my phone a few weeks ago. Did you know that Tetris brought me and le beau together? That's sort of a fib, but I'm very competitive when it comes to games, and I would always beat him. I've always been competitive about games. At 10, I BOOK RATINGS 2021 (I) Ever since I stumbled upon Libby, my tiny reading planet has flipped. No longer do I have to hoard library books, nursing them page by page. No longer do I have to meticulously search up reviews and titles across 3 different websites to decide if I like the tone, and later decide that I don't. LETTING THE RIGHT ONE IN We finished Let The Right One In yesterday. It was gory, violent, and beautifully made. I kept waiting for the twist, waiting for the twist, but there was no twist, not really. The twist we all assumed was pure inference. In the end, the artist demanded clarity, but we assumed ambiguity. It was love andSATURDAY WITH ALEX
In the morning, we took the scenic route, passing by millionaire's row on the way to get Venezuelan. We gawked at the houses, craned our necks to better see the soccer fields, villas, six car garages. We stopped by the wine store. Before he arrived, I FILM – COOLPEPPERMINT Here is the church and here is the steeple–we sure are cute for two ugly people. Moldy peaches. We would sit on concrete steps at 13 andsing to the tune of
CONTACT – COOLPEPPERMINT This is just a short excerpt for the contact page. FELINE – COOLPEPPERMINT Trying not to fume too hard or too long about the meeting I just got out of. I get so irritated. When the meeting runs over, when the meeting is pointless, when the meeting is about work we spend more time talking about than actually doing. I haven't done any real workin weeks, and
EARFQUAKE – COOLPEPPERMINT Le beau was peeved that I dropped him off to go on my own adventure to the bookstore. I ended up buying a polaroid book and a film book. I paused at the store, not wanting to spend money, but then the part of me that wanted the books told the other part of meCOOLPEPPERMINT
A gaggle of ducks are all ducked into their chests, sleeping, napping, silhouettes in the night. The reflections of the townhome blur by the lake. The lights are fuzzy. Thick rings. We walk, side by side, by the lamps and the townhome. We take our usual route by ITCHING – COOLPEPPERMINT 53 minutes ago · It's comforting. Being here. Familiar scenes and sounds of summer. I feel waves and waves of nostalgia. Warm fullness, oak wood. It's nice. It makes me want to do things like watch Perks of Being a Wallflower. I never watched the movie, but I read the book, and despite being maybe 12 or EVERYBODY (MOSTLY ME) WANTS TO BE A CAT Dear Pillotsky (my imaginary cat), I downloaded Tetris on my phone a few weeks ago. Did you know that Tetris brought me and le beau together? That's sort of a fib, but I'm very competitive when it comes to games, and I would always beat him. I've always been competitive about games. At 10, I BOOK RATINGS 2021 (I) Ever since I stumbled upon Libby, my tiny reading planet has flipped. No longer do I have to hoard library books, nursing them page by page. No longer do I have to meticulously search up reviews and titles across 3 different websites to decide if I like the tone, and later decide that I don't. LETTING THE RIGHT ONE IN We finished Let The Right One In yesterday. It was gory, violent, and beautifully made. I kept waiting for the twist, waiting for the twist, but there was no twist, not really. The twist we all assumed was pure inference. In the end, the artist demanded clarity, but we assumed ambiguity. It was love andSATURDAY WITH ALEX
In the morning, we took the scenic route, passing by millionaire's row on the way to get Venezuelan. We gawked at the houses, craned our necks to better see the soccer fields, villas, six car garages. We stopped by the wine store. Before he arrived, I FILM – COOLPEPPERMINT Here is the church and here is the steeple–we sure are cute for two ugly people. Moldy peaches. We would sit on concrete steps at 13 andsing to the tune of
CONTACT – COOLPEPPERMINT This is just a short excerpt for the contact page. FELINE – COOLPEPPERMINT Trying not to fume too hard or too long about the meeting I just got out of. I get so irritated. When the meeting runs over, when the meeting is pointless, when the meeting is about work we spend more time talking about than actually doing. I haven't done any real workin weeks, and
EARFQUAKE – COOLPEPPERMINT Le beau was peeved that I dropped him off to go on my own adventure to the bookstore. I ended up buying a polaroid book and a film book. I paused at the store, not wanting to spend money, but then the part of me that wanted the books told the other part of me CONTACT – COOLPEPPERMINT This is just a short excerpt for the contact page.PHOTOGRAPHY
Here is the church and here is the steeple–we sure are cute for two ugly people. Moldy peaches. We would sit on concrete steps at 13 and sing to the tune of Juno, teen pregnancy–Michael Cera and Ellen Pagestyle.
TEENAGERS – COOLPEPPERMINT But he was cool, so he got to wear things like that and get away with it. Because he was edgy. Because he was our seventh-grade mulatto Regina George the first time she walked out with purple circles on his chest. The boys and girls in the clique–the awful names that they stick–you’re never gonna fit “YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE” Although “you’re beautiful” and spreading this message of “listen here, girls, we are all beautiful!”. Is uplifting in a sense, it just ends up reinforcing the importance of beauty. That, as a female, you can’t sidestep the significance of beauty. That whether it’s constructed by some amorphous blob called “society”or by your
WRITING – COOLPEPPERMINT Sometimes I don't really know what to write, and then I think oh, you shouldn't write for the sake of writing, you should write because--because you're trying to write something. Because you're trying to convey something. Because there's a story you have toREFLECTIONS
Now you can say you've had Vietnamese butter barbecue. Seafood sizzles on the family-style butter doused griddle. I turn the inions. Pockets of grease bubble onto my wrist. My best places the salmon on its side, browning slowly on the grill. I stab a squid onto the griddle. Ssssss. We sit in silence. I contemplate the ART, SHELLS AND INNER WORLDS Even though I see drawing and photography as, well, mostly solitary pursuits, ironically they act as ways I can connect with others. Or--if connecting's too strong a word--at least sparking conversations with strangers. On airplanes, in libraries, in coffeeshops, on piers, etc. Sometimes we'll talk briefly for two minutes--oh, what're youdrawing? or, I take
DAILY ART | 2018
As I mentioned in my New Year's post, I'll be working on Daily Art (again) this 2018 in an effort to draw and paint more. It'll be hard, though. Year-long projects are hard. I started back in 2017--linked here--for about two and a half months before the pieces started becoming sporadic andCIGARETTE DAYDREAMS
“It turned out I had always been a smoker. I just hadn't had any cigarettes.” - Running With Scissors, Augusten BurroughsJULY 20, 2017
July 20, 2017. The streets were bright and packed, a hive of buzzed affluent energy. Sidewalks were filled with girls tottering around in heels and guys in button-downs. Like college, essentially, except older and larger and less fratty (but maybe not). Went out last weekend for the first time in a while. Despite the wait and warmth andfuzzy
COOLPEPPERMINT
A gaggle of ducks are all ducked into their chests, sleeping, napping, silhouettes in the night. The reflections of the townhome blur by the lake. The lights are fuzzy. Thick rings. We walk, side by side, by the lamps and the townhome. We take our usual route by BOOK RATINGS 2021 (I) Ever since I stumbled upon Libby, my tiny reading planet has flipped. No longer do I have to hoard library books, nursing them page by page. No longer do I have to meticulously search up reviews and titles across 3 different websites to decide if I like the tone, and later decide that I don't. FELINE – COOLPEPPERMINT Trying not to fume too hard or too long about the meeting I just got out of. I get so irritated. When the meeting runs over, when the meeting is pointless, when the meeting is about work we spend more time talking about than actually doing. I haven't done any real workin weeks, and
LETTING THE RIGHT ONE IN We finished Let The Right One In yesterday. It was a vampire movie. Not the type you'd normally see or hear about. It was gory, violent, and beautifully made. I kept waiting for the twist, waiting for the twist, but there was no twist, not really. The twist we all assumed was pure inference. InSATURDAY WITH ALEX
Saturday with Alex. Posted on June 2, 2021 May 31, 2021 by. lu. In the morning, we took the scenic route, passing by millionaire’s row on the way to get Venezuelan. We gawked at the houses, craned our necks to better see the soccer fields, villas, six car garages. We stopped by the wine store. Before he arrived, I figured he’d express EARFQUAKE – COOLPEPPERMINT Earfquake. Posted on June 5, 2021 by. lu. Le beau was peeved that I dropped him off to go on my own adventure to the bookstore. I ended up buying a polaroid book and a film book. I paused at the store, not wanting to spend money, but then the part of me that wanted the books told the other part of me that that money is made during morningshits.
MAY 2021 – COOLPEPPERMINT 7 posts published by lu during May 2021. My heart races. I’m not sure why. I’m trying to attribute it to something, the way the bridge-crossers attributed beating chests to love and not fear.MAY 18, 2021
We’ll open with some high energy classics by Biggie. Move on to Doo Wop. A favorite – imbuing my childhood – It Was a Good Day. And singing the words to my friends Agnes, Agatha and Jack in senior year by the lake in our light blue button down shirts -Just a Friend. Mercy – that’s an a- state, that’s an a-squake. ALIEN FLY – COOLPEPPERMINT It's noon. I'm on the balcony. By the lake. My coffee is cold. I work best when I'm left alone. I think I do most things best when I'm left alone. Being left alone is the greatest form of - what's the word? - I don't know. But it's the greatest form of something for IS IT WINE DOWN WEDNESDAY YET? The wine fast making way for drunken loud 11 PM singing and dancing around to. hip hop classics –. Right now – Devil in a New Dress by Kanye West and Rick Ross –. it started with the Snap filter that plays Juicy’s Big Poppa and I’m poppin’ around in fake shadesand sending this to
COOLPEPPERMINT
A gaggle of ducks are all ducked into their chests, sleeping, napping, silhouettes in the night. The reflections of the townhome blur by the lake. The lights are fuzzy. Thick rings. We walk, side by side, by the lamps and the townhome. We take our usual route by BOOK RATINGS 2021 (I) Ever since I stumbled upon Libby, my tiny reading planet has flipped. No longer do I have to hoard library books, nursing them page by page. No longer do I have to meticulously search up reviews and titles across 3 different websites to decide if I like the tone, and later decide that I don't. FELINE – COOLPEPPERMINT Trying not to fume too hard or too long about the meeting I just got out of. I get so irritated. When the meeting runs over, when the meeting is pointless, when the meeting is about work we spend more time talking about than actually doing. I haven't done any real workin weeks, and
LETTING THE RIGHT ONE IN We finished Let The Right One In yesterday. It was a vampire movie. Not the type you'd normally see or hear about. It was gory, violent, and beautifully made. I kept waiting for the twist, waiting for the twist, but there was no twist, not really. The twist we all assumed was pure inference. InSATURDAY WITH ALEX
Saturday with Alex. Posted on June 2, 2021 May 31, 2021 by. lu. In the morning, we took the scenic route, passing by millionaire’s row on the way to get Venezuelan. We gawked at the houses, craned our necks to better see the soccer fields, villas, six car garages. We stopped by the wine store. Before he arrived, I figured he’d express EARFQUAKE – COOLPEPPERMINT Earfquake. Posted on June 5, 2021 by. lu. Le beau was peeved that I dropped him off to go on my own adventure to the bookstore. I ended up buying a polaroid book and a film book. I paused at the store, not wanting to spend money, but then the part of me that wanted the books told the other part of me that that money is made during morningshits.
MAY 2021 – COOLPEPPERMINT 7 posts published by lu during May 2021. My heart races. I’m not sure why. I’m trying to attribute it to something, the way the bridge-crossers attributed beating chests to love and not fear.MAY 18, 2021
We’ll open with some high energy classics by Biggie. Move on to Doo Wop. A favorite – imbuing my childhood – It Was a Good Day. And singing the words to my friends Agnes, Agatha and Jack in senior year by the lake in our light blue button down shirts -Just a Friend. Mercy – that’s an a- state, that’s an a-squake. ALIEN FLY – COOLPEPPERMINT It's noon. I'm on the balcony. By the lake. My coffee is cold. I work best when I'm left alone. I think I do most things best when I'm left alone. Being left alone is the greatest form of - what's the word? - I don't know. But it's the greatest form of something for IS IT WINE DOWN WEDNESDAY YET? The wine fast making way for drunken loud 11 PM singing and dancing around to. hip hop classics –. Right now – Devil in a New Dress by Kanye West and Rick Ross –. it started with the Snap filter that plays Juicy’s Big Poppa and I’m poppin’ around in fake shadesand sending this to
ART – COOLPEPPERMINT Spent last Nov/December holed up into digital art, the one thing I derived a sense of stability from. With protests going on outside my room–constantly, it seemed–and wishy-washy people fluttering around and tests looming ahead, art was an escape. FILM – COOLPEPPERMINT Here is the church and here is the steeple–we sure are cute for two ugly people. Moldy peaches. We would sit on concrete steps at 13 andsing to the tune of
ALIEN FLY – COOLPEPPERMINT It's noon. I'm on the balcony. By the lake. My coffee is cold. I work best when I'm left alone. I think I do most things best when I'm left alone. Being left alone is the greatest form of - what's the word? - I don't know. But it's the greatest form of something for “YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE” Although “you’re beautiful” and spreading this message of “listen here, girls, we are all beautiful!”. Is uplifting in a sense, it just ends up reinforcing the importance of beauty. That, as a female, you can’t sidestep the significance of beauty. That whether it’s constructed by some amorphous blob called “society”or by your
WRITING – COOLPEPPERMINT Sometimes I don't really know what to write, and then I think oh, you shouldn't write for the sake of writing, you should write because--because you're trying to write something. Because you're trying to convey something. Because there's a story you have toREFLECTIONS
Now you can say you've had Vietnamese butter barbecue. Seafood sizzles on the family-style butter doused griddle. I turn the inions. Pockets of grease bubble onto my wrist. My best places the salmon on its side, browning slowly on the grill. I stab a squid onto the griddle. Ssssss. We sit in silence. I contemplate theNO-SCREEN SUNDAY
I opted for no-screen sunday yesterday. That meant no phone, no laptop, no television. For 24 hours. And for the first time in a long time, I noticed the world around me. I hadn’t noticed the WANDERLUST – COOLPEPPERMINT Wanderlust. It’s 1 in the morning. I feel an inexplicably wild desire to photograph the world. The closest I can get to explaining it is via a tiny purple monster inside of me that’s smashing all the imaginary cameras in my heart, bellowing on about viajar, como yo quiero tomar los fotos en un otro lugar. That sort of thing.BAD CLIFFHANGERS
bad cliffhangers. Posted on December 5, 2018 by. lu. my memories keep me warm until I remember they're just memories I wrote that in the summer first I was defiant then I was tired then I was reminiscent but mostly I was sad sometimes i wonder what the sheer durability of emotion says about humanity and whether it says anything at all and iCIGARETTE DAYDREAMS
“It turned out I had always been a smoker. I just hadn't had any cigarettes.” - Running With Scissors, Augusten BurroughsCOOLPEPPERMINT
A gaggle of ducks are all ducked into their chests, sleeping, napping, silhouettes in the night. The reflections of the townhome blur by the lake. The lights are fuzzy. Thick rings. We walk, side by side, by the lamps and the townhome. We take our usual route by BOOK RATINGS 2021 (I) Ever since I stumbled upon Libby, my tiny reading planet has flipped. No longer do I have to hoard library books, nursing them page by page. No longer do I have to meticulously search up reviews and titles across 3 different websites to decide if I like the tone, and later decide that I don't. LETTING THE RIGHT ONE IN We finished Let The Right One In yesterday. It was a vampire movie. Not the type you'd normally see or hear about. It was gory, violent, and beautifully made. I kept waiting for the twist, waiting for the twist, but there was no twist, not really. The twist we all assumed was pure inference. In EARFQUAKE – COOLPEPPERMINT Earfquake. Posted on June 5, 2021 by. lu. Le beau was peeved that I dropped him off to go on my own adventure to the bookstore. I ended up buying a polaroid book and a film book. I paused at the store, not wanting to spend money, but then the part of me that wanted the books told the other part of me that that money is made during morningshits.
SATURDAY WITH ALEX
Saturday with Alex. Posted on June 2, 2021 May 31, 2021 by. lu. In the morning, we took the scenic route, passing by millionaire’s row on the way to get Venezuelan. We gawked at the houses, craned our necks to better see the soccer fields, villas, six car garages. We stopped by the wine store. Before he arrived, I figured he’d express ART – COOLPEPPERMINT Spent last Nov/December holed up into digital art, the one thing I derived a sense of stability from. With protests going on outside my room–constantly, it seemed–and wishy-washy people fluttering around and tests looming ahead, art was an escape. FILM – COOLPEPPERMINT Here is the church and here is the steeple–we sure are cute for two ugly people. Moldy peaches. We would sit on concrete steps at 13 andsing to the tune of
MARCH 15, 2017
1 post published by lu on March 15, 2017. Sketching Bjork, Icelandic artist and singer. Recently I bought a new sketchbook that I’mplanning to fill
IF I WANTED REFERENCES, I’D HAVE LOOKED AT A CITATIONS If I wanted references, I’d have looked at a citations page. Posted on May 12, 2021 May 12, 2021 by. lu. Not watched I’m Thinking of Ending Things. Posted in. 1IMG_7268 – COOLPEPPERMINT Visit the post for more. Notify me of new comments via email. Notify me of new posts via email.COOLPEPPERMINT
A gaggle of ducks are all ducked into their chests, sleeping, napping, silhouettes in the night. The reflections of the townhome blur by the lake. The lights are fuzzy. Thick rings. We walk, side by side, by the lamps and the townhome. We take our usual route by BOOK RATINGS 2021 (I) Ever since I stumbled upon Libby, my tiny reading planet has flipped. No longer do I have to hoard library books, nursing them page by page. No longer do I have to meticulously search up reviews and titles across 3 different websites to decide if I like the tone, and later decide that I don't. LETTING THE RIGHT ONE IN We finished Let The Right One In yesterday. It was a vampire movie. Not the type you'd normally see or hear about. It was gory, violent, and beautifully made. I kept waiting for the twist, waiting for the twist, but there was no twist, not really. The twist we all assumed was pure inference. In EARFQUAKE – COOLPEPPERMINT Earfquake. Posted on June 5, 2021 by. lu. Le beau was peeved that I dropped him off to go on my own adventure to the bookstore. I ended up buying a polaroid book and a film book. I paused at the store, not wanting to spend money, but then the part of me that wanted the books told the other part of me that that money is made during morningshits.
SATURDAY WITH ALEX
Saturday with Alex. Posted on June 2, 2021 May 31, 2021 by. lu. In the morning, we took the scenic route, passing by millionaire’s row on the way to get Venezuelan. We gawked at the houses, craned our necks to better see the soccer fields, villas, six car garages. We stopped by the wine store. Before he arrived, I figured he’d express ART – COOLPEPPERMINT Spent last Nov/December holed up into digital art, the one thing I derived a sense of stability from. With protests going on outside my room–constantly, it seemed–and wishy-washy people fluttering around and tests looming ahead, art was an escape. FILM – COOLPEPPERMINT Here is the church and here is the steeple–we sure are cute for two ugly people. Moldy peaches. We would sit on concrete steps at 13 andsing to the tune of
MARCH 15, 2017
1 post published by lu on March 15, 2017. Sketching Bjork, Icelandic artist and singer. Recently I bought a new sketchbook that I’mplanning to fill
IF I WANTED REFERENCES, I’D HAVE LOOKED AT A CITATIONS If I wanted references, I’d have looked at a citations page. Posted on May 12, 2021 May 12, 2021 by. lu. Not watched I’m Thinking of Ending Things. Posted in. 1IMG_7268 – COOLPEPPERMINT Visit the post for more. Notify me of new comments via email. Notify me of new posts via email. FILM – COOLPEPPERMINT Here is the church and here is the steeple–we sure are cute for two ugly people. Moldy peaches. We would sit on concrete steps at 13 andsing to the tune of
PHOTOGRAPHY
Here is the church and here is the steeple–we sure are cute for two ugly people. Moldy peaches. We would sit on concrete steps at 13 and sing to the tune of Juno, teen pregnancy–Michael Cera and Ellen Pagestyle.
WRITING – COOLPEPPERMINT Sometimes I don't really know what to write, and then I think oh, you shouldn't write for the sake of writing, you should write because--because you're trying to write something. Because you're trying to convey something. Because there's a story you have toMAY 18, 2021
We’ll open with some high energy classics by Biggie. Move on to Doo Wop. A favorite – imbuing my childhood – It Was a Good Day. And singing the words to my friends Agnes, Agatha and Jack in senior year by the lake in our light blue button down shirts -Just a Friend. Mercy – that’s an a- state, that’s an a-squake.HAPPINESS SYRUPS
there's a sweet liminal space before spring--after winter-- where summer swells in anticipation and the air grows thick on groggy mornings i hear the heathers click-clacking down the high school halls, veronica sawyer's curling accent. corn nuts. these are lazy long summers before summers were long and lazy before nights swelledwith cicadas at the
IS IT WINE DOWN WEDNESDAY YET? Playing indie alternative songs on guitar and drinking caramel red wine, subdued more Hozier and Vampire Weekend and a capo-less me andthe irony of
PEANUTS – COOLPEPPERMINT Our souls are like peanuts, our bodies, the shells. I remember thinking this the night we came home from burning incense. We burned paper money. I think we bowed. Me, in my gangly western body, oversized and overstretched. Metal lockers. Ashes. Peanuts. Light enthusiasm for existence has been coupled with a headachey down-to-earth boredom. REALISTIC – COOLPEPPERMINT Bachelorette. November 20, 2018. November 14, 2018. lu 17 Comments. I’m a fountain of love in the shape of a girl / You’re a bird on the brim, hypnotized by the whirl. Completed graphite portrait of Bjork, first sketch in my new portraits notebook. Every time I think of Bjork, I hear her melodious tittering voice and Bachelorett e in myhead.
BEHIND THE LENS
Behind The Lens. My ears are ringing. A girl’s crying in the bathroom. A boy in my class dances fluid-languid by another boy in my class who’s across a girl in my class who is tall and wears crop tops. I scan the disco-ball lit dance floor for what’s ‘in’: short tight mini-skirts that hike up your belly paired with black x-edtops
SOME OBSCURE SORROW
True to its name, it includes obscure sorrow after obscure sorrow, from exulansis to altschmerz Note: completely on empathy-board with the second one, particularly at 3AMas I
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Sometimes I don’t really know what to write, and then I think oh, you shouldn’t write for the sake of writing, you should write because–because you’re trying to write _something_. Because you’re trying to convey _something_. Because there’s a story you have to tell, a thought to flesh out, a destination to get to. You’re driving your point home. But I don’t always have a point or a story or destination. And then I remember how I used to squirrel away hours just stabbing down words, stringing together sentences, writing whatever I wanted just because. Because it was fun and it made me happy and I didn’t really care if people read it or loved it or hated it. It was like rubbing on unscented lotion. It’s therapeutic, no one really knows you’re wearing it, and it’s something you do for yourself. You’re not trying to leave behind little scent fragments of yourself. You’rejust doin’ you.
And I like how writing’s an avenue to sort things out. It’s like talking through a problem, but writing through ideas instead. I’ll start off with a nebulous idea of what I’m going for, or something I’m trying to get out and by the end of, oh, five or ten pages, I’ll have come to some conclusion. That, or at least have reached greater clarity on something than I would’ve if I hadn’t written it at all. Thinking is thinking: chaotic and constant. Feeling is feeling: sometimes uncontrollable and inexplicable and discomforting. Writing’s sorting through that. If my head were a tree raining varied thought-leaves, then writing’s my little rake.Advertisements
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September 29, 2019
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Disenchantment came out with season two. I’ve been watching an episode a day after finishing my rewatch of all three seasons of Rick and Morty. Big Mouth comes out next Thursday, and Bojack Horseman is released on October 25th. Rick and Morty Season 4 supposed to be released some time in November. If you can’t tell, I love irreverent adult cartoon shows. This will be a fine Fall for funny cartoons. I’m tired. I don’t like this sense of floating. I feel like I’m floating from one state to another, between certainty and uncertainty, motivation and laziness, meaningfulness and meaninglessness. It’s not a marked issue–I’m not plagued with a consistent emotion, and there are no external conflicts. It’s just mild turbulence, and I wish I could shake it off. But it seems like one of those things I’ve known of since I was very little, this sense of floating. This weekend I’ll make sweaters. It’s still hot outside, which irritates me oh so gently. The Halloween decorations tickle my memories of thick jackets and heavy sweaters. I’m prepared for the cold, I think, as I think happily back to winters. I plan to design and print a sweater this weekend. Oh, I am so excited for Christmas. For lights. Black dresses. Big coats. My writing is kind of shitty, in my humble opinion, but I’m too tired to care. It was all this stuntin’ back in 2016 when I was taking dopey stupid writing classes and writing poetry. I no longer feel that anymore. Everything has carved into something much more literal lately. I yawn myself back into yesterday. I remember those days. I remember those dreams. And I’m too tired to care. This blog will morph into just my little journaling outlet, where I can publicly, semi-anonymously just write about the mundane. And I’m sick of hearing girls’ snarky judgements behind my back, echoing inmy ear.
I’ll share my film photography soon. Later. Sometime. I promise.Posted in Thoughts
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TRIP TO THE BAHAMAS
September 27, 2019May 27, 2019lu 1
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Cyan blue waters and light blue skies washed over the Bahamas. I peered out at the morning resort, saturated in the brightest blues Ican imagine.
“There are two types of travelers,” my friend once said. “People who want to do everything, and people who want to do nothing.” In most cases, I’m of the latter camp, which makes me a big fan of beaches. For several days, we rested on the beachside beds of the Bahamas, sipping limitless pina coladas. I sorely missed reading, so I devoured any magazines I could get my hands on. On the last few days, we ventured to the shops and markets, then took the ferry to another island. We passed by Paradise Island and Atlantis, and made our way to an underground aquarium-casino area. Children and families ran around, as did gamblers, vacation-goers,workers.
Back at the beach, they offered sea bikes. I hopped on one, and paddle-boated several times. For some reason, I couldn’t stand up straight on the board, so I lied flat on my back, soaking up the sun. The Bahamas—at least the tourist spaces—were beautifuland relaxing.
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UNEXPECTED GIFT
September 20, 2019September 22, 2019lu Leave
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After seeing my laborious, painstaking film scanning set up, my boyfriend surprised me with a fancy Epson film photo scanner today. I told him not to, said I was perfectly fine with my setup, bragged about it a few times to convince him (mostly me) that it wasn’t an incredibly tedious process . Then I came home to the package in my home, massive and grey and labeled Epson. Oh my god, Epson–that Epson. _The_ Epson. Epson is known for its scanners. So now I am scanning my film. I spend class time scrolling through film, contemplate film, shoot film, look up film accounts before bedtime. It’s still photography–I can’t escape my love for it–but another type, per se. It’s like an obsessive streak I run headfirst into year after year. I plan to shoot film just to document life, for the love of it, the embedded nostalgia, so this Epson will be put to good (and long, ideally) use. I already have my chemicals and camera and film. And now I have a scanner, thanks to my kind andthoughtful beau.
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R
September 19, 2019September 22, 2019lu
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The past week has been….well, it’s been. Not bad, but fast? It’s hard to describe my perception of time. I mostly spent the past week semi obsessing over R. R is a statistical programming language. I spent my night class on Monday programming in R. My brain was throbbing, but then I woke up the next day and began the next assignment. I’ve been working on it and just finished it. I felt a wave of delight as I cleanly formatted my 9 histograms using a psych library on R. It’s just _fun_. I never would have thought that I’d have found this fun. But I do. I think the weeks go by relatively quickly, but the days can sometime feel long. I’m not much of a cliquey person, but I’ve noticed how much more fun the days are when I stick to the people I’m comfortable with. Like, it’s just a lot more enjoyable to talk to a certain circle of people who I feel closer to and am more interested in talking to. I’d rather sit by them, text them, spend breaks with them, stop in the middle of breaks to talk to, etc. I am feeling a bit more introspective as I consider the types of people I’m drawn to, and the types of people I’m not drawn to. I’m sure it reflectswho I am as well.
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CRUNCHY
September 13, 2019
lu
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It feels good to have talked to my best friend I know I’m really awful at texting and calling and checking in asmuch as I should
But it’s just really good to finally make that round and circle back to the ones I care about It was nice to hear her voice (And my laughs were hearty) We spent five minutes on my description of crunchy old men “I’m just so upset right now. Crunchy old men. Like. Their bones are crunchy? Or they would be crunchy?” Some stressors were aired– And I said my part (don’t want to do something? Don’t, haha!) Just kind of ad libbing (Personally I don’t like spending my time doing things I don’t want to do or being someone I’m not) And let others reject you–don’t reject yourself first (This is a big one in life, I think. I know I’m young, and the stakes weren’t all that high, though maybe they were. That is one nugget phrase that I would emphasize: don’t reject yourself first! Let others reject you.)Anyways–
We gave an overview of the highlights, the lowlights Of moodier days, moodier weeks Of brighter people, heartwarming moments Of cloudier times, knottier moments I brought up how, right after we met each other, she left me eight missed phone calls and I avoided them all We resolved to check in more regularly–once every three weeks She joked that I would disappear and crumple under social obligation (“this isn’t supposed to be that”) And yes, I have a tendency to hide, to burrow and burrow “What’s the point of a best friend if they’re only there whenyou’re happy?”
That is true. And a recent study highlighted how we tend to go to close friends when we’re sad, and strangers when we’re happy. We have always been comfortable and crazy, and I’m glad to have that person in my life–my best friendPosted in Thoughts
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WHEEK
September 13, 2019September 22, 2019lu
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Took my first test in graduate school yesterday. I finished an hour early and felt bad turning in the test early, because I didn’t want to be _that_ person. A friend called afterwards to talk about the test. My professor graded it today. I got a 96. We all did fairlywell, I think.
I was bored of reviewing, so the day before the test, I went biking around the neighborhood with le beau and visited the pet store. We’ve been seriously contemplating the existence of guinea pigs. I desperately want one, but I’m very serious about animals, and I would want my pet to be happy and fulfilled. Guinea pigs are apparently very vocal and social creatures, and they eat constantly and wheek (literally scream WHEEEEEK) when they’re anticipatingfood.
They can be let out to walk in gardens, put on leashes, and granted a lot more freedom than hamsters. They also live significantly longer, with life spans of anywhere from 4-8 years. These tip the scale in heavy favor of guinea pigs. On top of all this, they’re nappers and not sleepers, which means they’re up throughout the day and night. Hamsters are essentially nocturnal. Guinea pigs like to be around other guinea pigs. They’re also sometimes fond of cuddling. That’s a big one in my future animal consideration. During our class meeting, I was googling how to introduce two guinea pigs. They establish a pecking order, with one more dominant than the other. It can get feisty–guinea pigs leap and bite and snarl–so choose the piggies wisely. On another note, I’m pretty happy to be in this graduate program. The people around me are a little too over-the-top motivated, though, so it was hella refreshing talking to some of the second years. They have mellowed out considerably and had many gossipy tales at hand. My other friend–are we friends yet?–left to attend a project meeting for an assignment due…in a month. I sat and chatted with them until they left. I have yet to get my office key, which my cohort members rushed out to grab weeks before. I did finally get my ID a few daysago, though.
So…ah…what else? Nothing much, really. Oh! My friend wrote me a letter and gave me a card, all for helping her out with one math question. I teared up reading the letter. An old student’s parent asked about working with me this Fall, and I got the okay from my boss, so there’s that. I’m on a relative high right now, despitesounding tired.
I want a guinea pig.Posted in Thoughts
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COGNITIVE DISSONANCE September 10, 2019September 10, 2019lu Leave
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I grew up thinking I was bad at math, and that girls were bad at math, and because I was a girl, I’d be bad at math. I was surprised to see, upon finding old SAT records, that I’d once scored a 750 on Math and 700 (?) on Writing. What? At some point, I’d done better on Math? And when I look at academic records, I’d still had A’s in Math, as well as my other classes. Yeah, I had to huff three times as much in chemistry and math than history, but I huffed, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought. When I teach or explain math, my approach is colored by those predominant experiences in math. Math was hard. Math was difficult to understand. And math wasn’t for girls, so I gave up quickly and easily. Now that I’m a bit older and understand these foundational concepts, I almost feel a bit cheated by the jargon and poorly fleshed-out textbook concepts. Why do academics make it their job to make easy things sound so hard? Even though not everything can be easily digestible, I try to condense and simplify concepts to their most basic form with analogies and metaphors. And I do that until it clicks. Sometimes students are frustrated, and I identify all too well. But we huff through it. And I huff through it remembering how frustrating it’d once been, knowing that it isn’t nearly as bad as it seems. I know that it can make sense. So I’ll make it make sense. I’m not the worst at math. I’m not the best at math. I only love it when I understand it, and I only understand it when I truly think about it, and I only truly think about it when I care about it. When data is meaningful, I care about it. And sorting through it then is just a corollary aspect of it. I do like patterns, quantitative measures, things I can touch and see and feel, things I can count and set with rules. That’s the tentative appeal of code, which sorts data, follows solid rules, and has its own logic. But I couldn’t do math just to do math, and I couldn’t learn a language just to learn it. I could write to write, read to read, but I’d need a reason to quantify other things. And the reality is that everything is relative. It depends on the size of the pond. It depends on the other fish. But it also depends on, ultimately, what I find interesting and meaningful. This past year of explaining math concepts has quickly, well, put it in a positive light. This has diverged from everything I’ve ever thought about my relationship to math. That is, math isn’t so bad after all. And I’m not as terrible as I’ve been led to believe. I’d pooh pooh all the implicit social cues I picked up in childhood that said math and science weren’t for girls. Adults and teachers don’t always realize just how impressionable children are. The things we say they’re good at matters. I’m thinking of a psychology study that highlights the higher job inequality between genders in more “equal” societies. But that’s another discussion for anotherday.
I’m just here to sort my temporary cognitive dissonance–I had hated math for so long, and ended up teaching concepts to others. I have unwittingly become the stats person in my program for answering an incredibly basic question. But I am not the stats person. Not that I really think of. But I’m likely–given the feedback–not as bad at this mathematical business as I’ve been led to believe. We’ll see. The truth is, I have slowly grown to like math and teaching math. My childhood self gasps.Posted in Thoughts
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