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CHECKRAISE.COM
My longtime boss, Sal, wanted to go out. So at the company's expense, he flew me in and put me in a hotel. I took him to a favoriterestaurant near
HOLY, HOLY, HOLY SHIT: STUPID CHURCH SIGNS Oh, Life Savers Ministries, there's absolutely no confusion. Yes, the web site is for real. And if CSI: Miami is really a spin-off of CSI, why is there still CSI? Block this user . So the Holy Spirit too goodto friend me?
STANK: MUSINGS FROM THE ROUND MOUND OF UNPROFOUND: FRIENDS August 1, 2011 never check facebook when you're at a friend's house "If I could do today over, I wouldn't bother to get out of bed," Katrina had posted an hour earlier. SUPER BOWL XL OFFICIATING Addendum, August 7, 2010. Wow, is this long-dormant page getting some attention. Four years after my original post below, Super Bowl XL official Bill Leavy visited Seattle for the first time since Hasselbeck's phantom low block.RANTS, JAN 2000
January 31 Good news, nay, freakin' great news on the Ed front. It turns out that the little hairball isn't limping due to arthritis or dysplasia as feared. Nope. She did the same thing I did three months ago: she tore her cruciate ligament. ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED DECEMBER 11 Originally published December 11, 2003. I'd planned on turning this week's entries into a Dickenesque expose on one woman's misadventures, but I find myself losing interest in the subject and thus disinclinedto write.
HARANGUES, JUNE '03
Al Qaeda's #2 man issued an audiotape yesterday with a familiar theme: we will kill Americans in their homeland, we will not stop until American troops are forever banished from the Middle East, yadda, yadda, yadda, jerk, jerk, jerk. But I might be paraphrasing. I won't quibble with their ability to ki STANK: MUSINGS FROM THE ROUND MOUND OF UNPROFOUND: READER June 28, 2012 reader mail: college football playoff. Several folks have asked what I think about the new playoff system in college football. Thhbbppttt. STANK: MUSINGS FROM THE ROUND MOUND OF UNPROFOUND: THE « electric busses | Main | i wince more with every viewing ». May 7, 2006 the ballad of greg biekert. A note for non-sports types: this will seem like a football story, but really it's a story about smiting a celebrity. STANK: MUSINGS FROM THE ROUND MOUND OF UNPROFOUND: CHILD « i cried because an eagle crapped in my hot-tub until i met a man whowell, let's just say he dodged a different kind of eagle crap altogether | Main | i'd like to be hurt. i'd like to be offended. i just can't be anything but amused. ». January 8, 2010CHECKRAISE.COM
My longtime boss, Sal, wanted to go out. So at the company's expense, he flew me in and put me in a hotel. I took him to a favoriterestaurant near
HOLY, HOLY, HOLY SHIT: STUPID CHURCH SIGNS Oh, Life Savers Ministries, there's absolutely no confusion. Yes, the web site is for real. And if CSI: Miami is really a spin-off of CSI, why is there still CSI? Block this user . So the Holy Spirit too goodto friend me?
STANK: MUSINGS FROM THE ROUND MOUND OF UNPROFOUND: FRIENDS August 1, 2011 never check facebook when you're at a friend's house "If I could do today over, I wouldn't bother to get out of bed," Katrina had posted an hour earlier. SUPER BOWL XL OFFICIATING Addendum, August 7, 2010. Wow, is this long-dormant page getting some attention. Four years after my original post below, Super Bowl XL official Bill Leavy visited Seattle for the first time since Hasselbeck's phantom low block.RANTS, JAN 2000
January 31 Good news, nay, freakin' great news on the Ed front. It turns out that the little hairball isn't limping due to arthritis or dysplasia as feared. Nope. She did the same thing I did three months ago: she tore her cruciate ligament. ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED DECEMBER 11 Originally published December 11, 2003. I'd planned on turning this week's entries into a Dickenesque expose on one woman's misadventures, but I find myself losing interest in the subject and thus disinclinedto write.
HARANGUES, JUNE '03
Al Qaeda's #2 man issued an audiotape yesterday with a familiar theme: we will kill Americans in their homeland, we will not stop until American troops are forever banished from the Middle East, yadda, yadda, yadda, jerk, jerk, jerk. But I might be paraphrasing. I won't quibble with their ability to ki STANK: MUSINGS FROM THE ROUND MOUND OF UNPROFOUND: READER June 28, 2012 reader mail: college football playoff. Several folks have asked what I think about the new playoff system in college football. Thhbbppttt. STANK: MUSINGS FROM THE ROUND MOUND OF UNPROFOUND: THE « electric busses | Main | i wince more with every viewing ». May 7, 2006 the ballad of greg biekert. A note for non-sports types: this will seem like a football story, but really it's a story about smiting a celebrity. STANK: MUSINGS FROM THE ROUND MOUND OF UNPROFOUND: CHILD « i cried because an eagle crapped in my hot-tub until i met a man whowell, let's just say he dodged a different kind of eagle crap altogether | Main | i'd like to be hurt. i'd like to be offended. i just can't be anything but amused. ». January 8, 2010AWARDS ARCHIVES
STANK Musings from the Round Mound of Unprofound. Home; Home; awardsArchives
PARENTING ARCHIVES
STANK Musings from the Round Mound of Unprofound. Home; Home;parenting Archives
RELIGION ARCHIVES
religion Archives. February 18, 2019 oy yoy yoy; December 7, 2017 who would jesus refuse to bake a cake for?; December 8, 2015 cleaning our own homes; January 30, 2013 munchies; November 30, 2011 what does god need with a starship?; December 9, 2010 validate me; November 2, 2010 you have a friend request from self-awareness; March 31, 2010 holy holy holy shit; February 10, 2010 hi, myFAMILY ARCHIVES
STANK Musings from the Round Mound of Unprofound. Home; Home; familyArchives
JESUS CHRIST, MICROSOFT With every unwanted step Microsoft adds to my everyday life—no, for the billionth time in a row, I don't want to save this or anything else to SkyDrive, fuckers—an explosion nears. It’s one thing to ignore bugs have been around for 10 years, but to instead add steps—for the trillionth time, I do not want to use your POS templates, fuckers—makes me positively stabby. FortunatelyRANTS, JAN 2000
January 31 Good news, nay, freakin' great news on the Ed front. It turns out that the little hairball isn't limping due to arthritis or dysplasia as feared. Nope. She did the same thing I did three months ago: she tore her cruciate ligament.HARANGUES, JUNE '03
Al Qaeda's #2 man issued an audiotape yesterday with a familiar theme: we will kill Americans in their homeland, we will not stop until American troops are forever banished from the Middle East, yadda, yadda, yadda, jerk, jerk, jerk. But I might be paraphrasing. I won't quibble with their ability to ki STANK: MUSINGS FROM THE ROUND MOUND OF UNPROFOUND: READER June 28, 2012 reader mail: college football playoff. Several folks have asked what I think about the new playoff system in college football. Thhbbppttt.CHILD, PLEASE
It all started with Superman's wang. Watching 1978's Superman, I couldn't help but wonder what the emotional consequences were for the child actor who, playing a newly-arrived Kal-El, proudly bared his member for posterity. If this isn't what the Internet is for, I don't know what is. Aaron Smolinski, 3 then, is now a creaky 36. I searched for references to any trauma caused by him exposing STANK: MUSINGS FROM THE ROUND MOUND OF UNPROFOUND: MALE « best served cold | Main | clever, math-themed headline ». October 28, 2009 male bonding. Two more Pittsburgh stories. First of all, the gas pump woman never sent me a bill. Whoever she is, depending on her age, I want to marry/adopt her and/or have her readme a bedtime story.
STANK
here ya go. In a mail that until now scrolled into oblivion, longtime Stank troll John requested that I take more pictures. In the spirit of giving the masses what they want, here's a picture of Fredo after I, annoyed by his constant requests to play, threw his toy shark into thehouse. Permalink.
HOLY, HOLY, HOLY SHIT: STUPID CHURCH SIGNS Oh, Life Savers Ministries, there's absolutely no confusion. Yes, the web site is for real. And if CSI: Miami is really a spin-off of CSI, why is there still CSI? Block this user . So the Holy Spirit too goodto friend me?
SPORTS ARCHIVES
sports Archives. January 31, 2019 worth it; November 21, 2018 only in cleveland; December 7, 2017 now that's expertise; October 20, 2015 i think it's entirely possible that the steelers' fourth string quarterback didn't expect to be meeting with the media; August 26, 2015 remember when your team hired a notorious dog-murderer to back up your alleged serial rapist? remember that feeling?SENATORS BOSCOLA
Reps Allen, Bob - District 125 email Argall, David - District 124 email Baker, Matthew - District 68 email Baldwin, Roy - District 97 email Barrar, Stephen - District 160 email Bastian, Bob - District 69 email Belfanti, Robert - District 107 email Biancucci, Vincent - District 15 email Birmelin, Jerry - District 139 email Blaum, Kevin -District 121 email
APRIL 2008 ARCHIVES
April 2008 Archives. April 30, 2008 scared straight; April 30, 2008 gaytown; April 29, 2008 lameness quantified; April 28, 2008 0.002%; April 25, 2008 hard-wired; April 24, 2008 speaking of pigs; April 23, 2008 wild kingdom; April 23, 2008 last chips; April 21, 2008 bring on the next sick day; April 18, 2008 nature's perfect food; April 17, 2008 wile e. coyote; April 16, 2008 the beautiful game SUPER BOWL XL OFFICIATING Addendum, August 7, 2010. Wow, is this long-dormant page getting some attention. Four years after my original post below, Super Bowl XL official Bill Leavy visited Seattle for the first time since Hasselbeck's phantom low block.MAY 2006 ARCHIVES
May 2006 Archives. May 31, 2006 jeep wave; May 30, 2006 sans partner; May 28, 2006 and thus does Whizzing Outside Season come to an untimely and inglorious end; May 27, 2006 stank: your baby-hating headquarters?; May 25, 2006 nine percenter; May 24, 2006 hurtling at breakneck speed through my 30s; May 24, 2006 hurtling at breakneck speed through the lush forests of houston, ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED DECEMBER 11 Originally published December 11, 2003. I'd planned on turning this week's entries into a Dickenesque expose on one woman's misadventures, but I find myself losing interest in the subject and thus disinclinedto write.
STANK: MUSINGS FROM THE ROUND MOUND OF UNPROFOUND: THE « electric busses | Main | i wince more with every viewing ». May 7, 2006 the ballad of greg biekert. A note for non-sports types: this will seem like a football story, but really it's a story about smiting a celebrity. STANK: MUSINGS FROM THE ROUND MOUND OF UNPROFOUND: I used to rail against eye-candy sideline reporters, but I'm afraid I lost that battle. Thank you, Melissa Stark. So I might as well exploit 'em for WTFF awards. Local Pittsburgh sideline twinkie Trenni Kusnierek, who once said that the Steelers would go from a play-calling ratio of 65% runs to 45% passes to a more balanced 60/45% ratio, turned in another mathematical gem last night. ArguingSTANK
here ya go. In a mail that until now scrolled into oblivion, longtime Stank troll John requested that I take more pictures. In the spirit of giving the masses what they want, here's a picture of Fredo after I, annoyed by his constant requests to play, threw his toy shark into thehouse. Permalink.
HOLY, HOLY, HOLY SHIT: STUPID CHURCH SIGNS Oh, Life Savers Ministries, there's absolutely no confusion. Yes, the web site is for real. And if CSI: Miami is really a spin-off of CSI, why is there still CSI? Block this user . So the Holy Spirit too goodto friend me?
SPORTS ARCHIVES
sports Archives. January 31, 2019 worth it; November 21, 2018 only in cleveland; December 7, 2017 now that's expertise; October 20, 2015 i think it's entirely possible that the steelers' fourth string quarterback didn't expect to be meeting with the media; August 26, 2015 remember when your team hired a notorious dog-murderer to back up your alleged serial rapist? remember that feeling?SENATORS BOSCOLA
Reps Allen, Bob - District 125 email Argall, David - District 124 email Baker, Matthew - District 68 email Baldwin, Roy - District 97 email Barrar, Stephen - District 160 email Bastian, Bob - District 69 email Belfanti, Robert - District 107 email Biancucci, Vincent - District 15 email Birmelin, Jerry - District 139 email Blaum, Kevin -District 121 email
APRIL 2008 ARCHIVES
April 2008 Archives. April 30, 2008 scared straight; April 30, 2008 gaytown; April 29, 2008 lameness quantified; April 28, 2008 0.002%; April 25, 2008 hard-wired; April 24, 2008 speaking of pigs; April 23, 2008 wild kingdom; April 23, 2008 last chips; April 21, 2008 bring on the next sick day; April 18, 2008 nature's perfect food; April 17, 2008 wile e. coyote; April 16, 2008 the beautiful game SUPER BOWL XL OFFICIATING Addendum, August 7, 2010. Wow, is this long-dormant page getting some attention. Four years after my original post below, Super Bowl XL official Bill Leavy visited Seattle for the first time since Hasselbeck's phantom low block.MAY 2006 ARCHIVES
May 2006 Archives. May 31, 2006 jeep wave; May 30, 2006 sans partner; May 28, 2006 and thus does Whizzing Outside Season come to an untimely and inglorious end; May 27, 2006 stank: your baby-hating headquarters?; May 25, 2006 nine percenter; May 24, 2006 hurtling at breakneck speed through my 30s; May 24, 2006 hurtling at breakneck speed through the lush forests of houston, ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED DECEMBER 11 Originally published December 11, 2003. I'd planned on turning this week's entries into a Dickenesque expose on one woman's misadventures, but I find myself losing interest in the subject and thus disinclinedto write.
STANK: MUSINGS FROM THE ROUND MOUND OF UNPROFOUND: THE « electric busses | Main | i wince more with every viewing ». May 7, 2006 the ballad of greg biekert. A note for non-sports types: this will seem like a football story, but really it's a story about smiting a celebrity. STANK: MUSINGS FROM THE ROUND MOUND OF UNPROFOUND: I used to rail against eye-candy sideline reporters, but I'm afraid I lost that battle. Thank you, Melissa Stark. So I might as well exploit 'em for WTFF awards. Local Pittsburgh sideline twinkie Trenni Kusnierek, who once said that the Steelers would go from a play-calling ratio of 65% runs to 45% passes to a more balanced 60/45% ratio, turned in another mathematical gem last night. ArguingPARENTING ARCHIVES
STANK Musings from the Round Mound of Unprofound. Home; Home;parenting Archives
FAMILY ARCHIVES
STANK Musings from the Round Mound of Unprofound. Home; Home; familyArchives
RELIGION ARCHIVES
religion Archives. February 18, 2019 oy yoy yoy; December 7, 2017 who would jesus refuse to bake a cake for?; December 8, 2015 cleaning our own homes; January 30, 2013 munchies; November 30, 2011 what does god need with a starship?; December 9, 2010 validate me; November 2, 2010 you have a friend request from self-awareness; March 31, 2010 holy holy holy shit; February 10, 2010 hi, my JESUS CHRIST, MICROSOFT With every unwanted step Microsoft adds to my everyday life—no, for the billionth time in a row, I don't want to save this or anything else to SkyDrive, fuckers—an explosion nears. It’s one thing to ignore bugs have been around for 10 years, but to instead add steps—for the trillionth time, I do not want to use your POS templates, fuckers—makes me positively stabby. FortunatelyHARANGUES, JUNE '03
Al Qaeda's #2 man issued an audiotape yesterday with a familiar theme: we will kill Americans in their homeland, we will not stop until American troops are forever banished from the Middle East, yadda, yadda, yadda, jerk, jerk, jerk. But I might be paraphrasing. I won't quibble with their ability to kiRANTS, JAN 2000
January 31 Good news, nay, freakin' great news on the Ed front. It turns out that the little hairball isn't limping due to arthritis or dysplasia as feared. Nope. She did the same thing I did three months ago: she tore her cruciate ligament. STANK: MUSINGS FROM THE ROUND MOUND OF UNPROFOUND: FAMILY TIES « giving good gift | Main | special kind of stupid ». February 17, 2009 family ties. There comes a point in every one of my relationships where the stories about my STANK: MUSINGS FROM THE ROUND MOUND OF UNPROFOUND: CHILD « i cried because an eagle crapped in my hot-tub until i met a man whowell, let's just say he dodged a different kind of eagle crap altogether | Main | i'd like to be hurt. i'd like to be offended. i just can't be anything but amused. ». January 8, 2010JUNE 2009 ARCHIVES
STANK Musings from the Round Mound of Unprofound. Home; Home; June2009 Archives
STANK: MUSINGS FROM THE ROUND MOUND OF UNPROFOUND « no wonders | Main | king kong myths ». December 13, 2005 approval whore: the lost singles. A friend recently pointed out that three Approval Whore (AW) anecdotes have gone unpublished.STANK
Musings from the Round Mound of Unprofound* Home
MY CO-WORKERS
* Posted on May 30, 2019* by john
I can work from anywhere, so as often as not, I'm in restaurants hunting for electrical outlets. I've taken a shine to a place with good food, a decent bar, and a happy staff. If I'm absent for two days in a row, they text me to see if I'm okay. Yesterday I was on my barstool working while they were training a new waitress behind the bar. The trainer had to attend to customers, so she told the trainee what to do while she was gone. "If you have any questions, just ask John," she concluded.Permalink
I, MEANWHILE, NEED TO BE CARBON DATED * Posted on May 22, 2019* by john
The girl I figured was someone's teenage daughter was, in fact, my dental hygienist. 4'11" and with an artificially red pixie cut, she concerned me. I finally asked what year she graduated from highschool.
"2014. Why?"
Assisted living, here I come.Permalink
MONEY LAUNDERING
* Posted on May 17, 2019* by john
My longtime boss, Sal, wanted to go out. So at the company's expense, he flew me in and put me in a hotel. I took him to a favorite restaurant near the airport, and we toasted and ate through thenight.
Two days later, he said, "If anyone asks, Mark and Amy and Jason and CJ were there, too. That's on the expense report.""Sure thing. Why?"
"Otherwise we look like total alcoholics. We had 24 drinks."Wow.
"I'd dispute that, Sal, but I can't remember."Permalink
REBOOT THIS
* Posted on May 16, 2019* by john
One of the unique pains of being technically savvy is that occasion when I do, in fact, need technical help. >  "IT Helpdesk. How may I help you?">
>  "Do you guys push down a policy that disables Word macros?">
>  "Did you try rebooting?">
>  "Why would I do that?">
>  "You should always do that. Can you reboot for me?" I sigh heavily and reboot. Five minutes later... >  "Word macros are still disabled.">
>  "Did you try reinstalling Word?" And so it goes, until half a day later. >  "I've got good news. We push down a policy that disables Word> macros."
I have long thought that to save on money, time, and murder, people all need Technical Aptitude Ratings. >  "Do you guys push down a policy that disables Word macros?">
>  "Did you try rebooting?">
>  "I'm a Level 7.">
>  "Here's the registry setting.">
>Â Â "Thanks."
Permalink
YEAR ONE: A FEW THINGS THAT LIVING IN A 100 YEAR-OLD HOUSE HAS TAUGHTME
* Posted on April 23, 2019* by john
* in Cooterville
Don't put original lampshades in the dishwasher. That there is paint, not tinted glass. It's probably lead paint, too. Mmmmm, lead on mydishes.
That original ceiling light that does nothing for me and would only take 15 minutes to swap out? I will learn to love it. When jostled, century-old electrical wire looks very much like Bucky at the end of Infinity War. (In addition to the normal tools, this six-hour debacle involved superglue, velcro, spackle, a staple gun, a shop vac, and industrial strength duct tape.) The answer to the question "Christ! What is this wall _made_ of?" is four inches of plaster. As difficult to drill into as it is easy to drill hideous chunks out of. Do not make eye contact with neighbors. They will want to discuss neighborhood history back to the Roosevelt administration. _Teddy_Roosevelt.
Permalink
MISSED OPPORTUNITY
* Posted on April 23, 2019* by john
Yesterday as I was driving, I spotted my former physical therapist walking next to a tantalizingly deep, wide puddle. He was pushing ababy stroller.
These are truly the moments that test one's character. I didn't do it, and I've been crippled with regret and self-loathing ever since. What grade does my character get?Permalink
HERE YA GO
* Posted on April 18, 2019* by john
* in reader mail
In a mail that until now scrolled into oblivion, longtime _Stank_ troll John requested that I take more pictures. In the spirit of giving the masses what they want, here's a picture of Fredo after I, annoyed by his constant requests to play, threw his toy shark into the house.Permalink
HARD PASS
* Posted on April 9, 2019* by john
Today, Inger picked up her new pet pig. Her dogs chased it into the horses' pen, where one of the horses kicked the baby pig. And this is how I came to recieve a picture of a pig's anus. "Zoom in. You can see his intestine poking out," Inger texted. I'm lucky. Most people don't realize the exact moment their lifebottoms out.
Permalink
WAS I EVER THIS INNOCENT? * Posted on April 8, 2019* by john
Last night, I was showing new protege Poindexterher
next task. As I "rebrand" existing documents, she's going behind me and making sure I caught everything. I explained that Marketing came up with a new design, and that's what we're rolling out. As I walked her through her task, she interrupted. "Wait. Which one is the new design?" I pointed at the one that looks like a glaucomic secretary banged it out in five minutes on her iMac in 1999, then printed it on a dot matrix printer from 1983. "But it's worse," she said, genuinely confused. "A _lot_ worse."Â She's still in high school and of course has no real world experience, let alone corporate experience. I explained that Marketing is bush-pissing. She didn't understand. I explained the politics of how we were wildly successful without them, and that this embarrassed them, and now they're finding fault with our work and "saving" us, and how we're letting the babies have their bottle because this is not a hill worth dying on. Yeah, I used pretty much every metaphor in my arsenal. Now she's upset. "So...you're being paid to ruin your own work?""Now you get it."
Permalink
NO FURTHER WORDS WERE NEEDED * Posted on April 2, 2019* by john
* in Cooterville
To love pizza and live in the Northwest is to know true despair. It's god-awful here. And it's $25—the bitter chaser to the styrofoamtaste.
Today, as I have so many times for over two decades, I dejectedly opened the door to a restaurant serving what I was promised is "genuine New York pizza." Whatever. Let's rule it out and move on tothe next dump.
But wait. Pizza by the slice? No pineapple or arugula options? No silverware? Charred, foldable crust? Pools of orange grease atop the cheese? Canollis on the menu? I allowed myself a half-gram of hope. And it wasn't bad. Not bad at all. I praised the NYC-native owner for the lack of pineapple. He and I chatted a bit about pizza and the Northwest, and then he asked me what part of New York I was from. "I'm not," I replied. "Oh. Sorry. And here I am talkin' like I know you." "It's all right. I'm from Ohio. We talk to strangers, too." When I left, he was outside, smoking next to the dumpster. I said goodbye and thanked him for dinner. "You know," he said softly, "I do have pineapple in the kitchen. You'd go out of business in the Northwest without it. I just don't put it on the menu because I'mashamed."
Permalink
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